No one else on TOC chat was willing to MST this particular 'fic. It doesn't have the honor of being visited countless times by the Proper Usage Nazi, although the Omnipotent Bag of Treats and Goodies does make an appearance. Travellyr-san, if you're interested in playing the Word Counting game, I've got the Counting Song from "Curse of the Undead: Yoma" available - feel free. This certainly isn't going to be considered the grossest 'fic ever MSTed, but I daresay it was begging to have this done. As always, comments, criticism, and Pina Coladas are welcome ^_- Zoisite84, who will probably never shatter the Chicken Barrier. Oh, well. * * * (A girl lugging a light-blue Jansport is zeroed in on. Her short, Cardcaptor Sakura-styled hair bounces as she hurriedly crosses a wet, paved road and runs up the stairs to her house. It is night, early- morning probably, and she grabs her key, praying to a God of any denomination that the weiner dogs are asleep. Once inside, she wastes no time heading for her bedroom, where she shrugs off the backpack and her jacket. The room is illuminated by three purple, blue and green light bulbs, as well as the purple swirling lava lamp. Two figures are propped upon the full-sized bed, scarfing extra-buttered popcorn. JESSICA joins them and quickly pulls out a sheaf of papers, as well as a collection of miscellaneous items. STEPHANIE grins and eyes the papers with glee; JAMES takes notice of a pair of handcuffs included in the pile, and raises an eyebrow.) JAMES: Are these for me? (STEPHANIE rolls up the papers and swats JAMES over the head. JESSICA grabs them and smoothes them out again.) JESSICA: You'll see. This `fic is of a rather graphic nature, and I didn't want to be unprepared in case JAMES, here, decides to be a hornball. You understand. JAMES: [Laughs] Cool; I don't mind bondage. I am the Bondage King, baby! (STEPHANIE and JESSICA shake their heads. JESSICA grabs a soda and stuffs and handful of popcorn into her mouth. STEPHANIE grabs the papers and reads the title, her eyes going wide.) STEPHANIE: "Nephy-KUM?!" What in the smegging HELL is this about?! JESSICA: (calmly) I told you it was rather graphic. The author thought it'd be fun to include bodily fluids in his description of just how sad Nephrite's life is, and this is the result. STEPHANIE: The author is a _guy_? JESSICA: He or she calls him/herself King Zoe, so that's what my guess is. JAMES: Anyways, let's get onto the hentai! (JESSICA and STEPHANIE look at each other and nod. JESSICA grabs the papers, rolls them up, bonks JAMES over the head a couple of times, unrolls them, and hands them back to STEPHANIE in one fluid movement.) STEPHANIE: We _should_ start, anyways. >> Disclaimer: Sailor Moon is not mine. The bad guys of Sailor Moon are not mine. I will take no credit for their creation. I merely take credit for their follies while they are in my care.<< JESSICA: Care? Remind me not to have _him_ babysit for _me_ in the distant future. >> Author's Note: I am sorry. I am so sorry. This peice of filth springs directly from a conversation I had with my sister concerning Christmas presents from Nephrite, and the dubious virtues of Pina Coladas. I know that none of you will ever recover, and any guests who are easily offended, please exit stage left. Thank you for your time. << STEPHANIE: [Crows] Pieces of Eight! Pieces of Eight! JESSICA: Don't lemon authors realize that the standard "don't read if you are offended" disclaimers do nothing but insure that easily offended visitors will read whatever they have to offer? It's reverse psychology at its most basic form. >> Nephy-kum<< STEPHANIE: [Shudders] I _still_ can't get over that. JAMES: Alright! Writing a story about MY bodily fluids! At least _someone_ has good - ouch! Hey, Jessi-chan, THAT wasn't a love slap! (JESSICA withdraws her hand and raises an eyebrow.) JESSICA: You're right, it wasn't. It was for you being a horny baka. Now, shaddup and let's read this thing! JAMES: [Licks lips] Ooooh, feisty! STEPHANIE: (grimly) Anyways. . . >>"Almost.... Ahh.... Done...." Nephrite groaned and stretched, putting a cork on the wine bottle he held in his right hand. "That'll teach the little fairy." He smirked. Now to deliver the "present."<< JESSICA: Y'know, I'm so incredibly sick of people referring to Zoisite as a fairy or some other genderless creature. It's almost as bad as seeing him with wings. STEPHANIE: What _am_ I, the Tooth Fairy?! JAMES: And why is Nephrite bottling his natural juices? I mean, I've always _wondered_ how they achieved that unique flavor in Snapple, but geez. . . (JESSICA and STEPHANIE look ready to throw-up.) JESSICA: I may never drink colored/flavored water again. >>"~*~ A soft knock sounded at Zoisite's door. The copper haired general moaned and stood up, grabbing for the handle to his door. "Who-" He scowled. "What are you doing here?" he asked his nemesis, eyes narrowed.<< JESSICA: I am. . .the Tooth Fairy! STEPHANIE: And what would YOU have been doing had I not come to the door? >> Nephrite smiled congenially.<< STEPHANIE/JESSICA: Miss Congeniality! JAMES: I want to see that. You know, `cause there are, like, hot chicks in a hot chick pageant doing hot chick-type things. . . (STEPHANIE and JESSICA nod at one another, then seize JAMES and cuff his wrists behind him. JESSICA produces a piece of cloth that serves as a gag and giggles as JAMES unsuccessfully tries to spit it out. STEPHANIE reaches into the Omnipotent Bag of Treats and Goodies and pulls out a [miraculously unscathed!] plate of nachos. JAMES begins to drool.) JAMES: (muffled) Mmmmachoss! JESSICA: [Grins and gnaws on a cheesy tortilla chip] Be a good hornball, and you can have some nachos. STEPHANIE: Now, onward! >>"Actually, Zoisite, I came to make amends. We can't go on as enemies forever, and I wanted to offer a gift of truce." He held out a wine bottle filled with an opaque white liquid.<< JESSICA: If I were Zoisite, the warning bells would be going off as soon as "amends" and "truce" came out of Nephrite's mouth. STEPHANIE: Not to mention, one just shouldn't trust any sort of bottle not containing a full list of ingredients and nutritional facts. Particularly NOT in the Dark Kingdom, and certainly not when Nephrite's involved. JAMES: [Muffled giggles] >>"I heard somewhere that you and Kunzite enjoyed Pina Coladas, so I brought a pre-mixed bottle."<< STEPHANIE: I also heard about all those strange noises you make in the shower, but since we're making amends and all. . . JESSICA: And the magic word today, kids, is "Pre-mixed." JAMES: [Straining] Mmmachos! (JESSICA undoes the makeshift gag and sets it on the counter, then uncuffs only one hand, giving JAMES access to the nachos.) JESSICA: Be good. JAMES: [Unable to resist] Nephy-kum: there's a little bit of _me_ in every bottle! (STEPHANIE raises an eyebrow; JAMES squeaks and grabs the nachos, pleading for redemption. JESSICA swats him and the `fic continues.) >>"Uh... Thanks, Nephrite," Zoisite said uncertainly. "Uh... See ya..."<< JESSICA: The first thing I'm doing after he leaves is dumping this down the drain. . .on second thought, I wonder how it'd do as plant fertilizer. . . >>"You're welcome, Zoisite. Enjoy."<< STEPHANIE: Heh heh. . .sucker! >>~*~ Zoisite stared at the bottle, wondering at what change of heart had caused Nephrite to be so... Carebear.<< JESSICA: The mere mention of Carebears in a Dark Kingdom lemon frightens me. I _do_ hope this isn't going to be one of those bestiality `fics. . . STEPHANIE: [Giggling] Can anyone else picture the Shitennou in giant Carebear suits going door-to-door on Halloween? >> Did he trust this sudden desire to "be friends?"<< JESSICA: In a word, NO. >> He shook his head. Yeah, right, he thought. If Nephrite wants to 'kiss and make up,' I'm queen Beryl's personal concubine, Kunzite has always been straight, Jadeite doesn't have a harem, and Nephrite's never had a drop in his life. Still...<< STEPHANIE: Proper Usage Nazi! "Queen" needs to be capitalized! JESSICA: Y'know, there's a joke that should be said here, but it eludes me at the moment. . . JAMES: [Crunching nachos] Maybe `cause it's painfully accurate, Jessi- chan? >>"Hey, what's that?" Kunzite entered, interrupting Zoisite's reverie. "Didn't think you drank."<< JESSICA: There's a lot of things you don't know about me, Kunzaito-sama. >>"I don't." Zoisite grinned, maliciously. "Nephrite dropped this off for you. He said he doesn't drink Pina Coladas and heard that you did."<< JESSICA: (suspiciously) Does anyone get the feeling that Zoisite _knows_ what's in the bottle? STEPHANIE: In a word, YES. JAMES: [Munching nachos happily] >>"Kunzite shrugged. "I'm pretty partial to them." He picked up the bottle and uncorked it. Zoisite smirked as the silver haired man paused about to take a swig. "What?" Kunzite asked, annoyed.<< JESSICA: Oh, _nothing_, Kunzaito-sama. Absolutely, positively nothing. JAMES: [Snickering] Nephy-kum: Where's YOUR mustache? STEPHANIE: [Swats JAMES once again] Watch it, horny toad. >> Zoisite's smirk turned into an innocent smile. "Nothing. I've just never seen you drink straight from the bottle before."<< STEPHANIE: It just heightens your appeal, you big hunk of man-meat. >>"Oh." Kunzite took a large swallow of the liquid, and had filled his mouth again before he tasted it. He sprayed the mouthful, covering Zoisite with the offending liquid. "Did you say Nephrite gave this to you!?"<< JESSICA: Um, ew? STEPHANIE: And you didn't catch on the first time. Serves you right. JAMES: [Reciting] Spit, swallow, gargle. . . >> Zoisite nodded slowly, uncomprehending.<< JESSICA/STEPHANIE: Bullshit. >> Kunzite dashed to the bathroom and knelt before the toilet, trying violently to vomit. Zoisite followed him curiously. "What's wrong?"<< JESSICA: As if you didn't know. >> The first King of the Dark Kingdom took his fingers from his throat long enough to reply.<< STEPHANIE: Awkwardly worded sentence! Plus, I wasn't aware that Kunzite was bulimic. JESSICA: Stephi-chan, ew. Just. . .ew. >>"Nephrite jacked off into the bottle and disguised it!" He stood up and grabbed his toothbrush, covered it in toothpaste, and furiously scrubbed at his mouth.<< JESSICA: What a perfectly good waste of toothpaste. STEPHANIE: No kidding. He _should_ be using Drain-o. >> Zoisite looked down at his front. He was covered in a fine film of the stuff from his hair to his boots. Turning a distinct shade of green, he tore at his clothing, fighting to remove it. When he had finally stripped down to nothing, he dashed into the tub, turned the hot water to full blast, and started scrubbing violently at his skin.<< STEPHANIE: (skeptically) Yeah. Kunzite was able to practically cover a 5'7" man in spew from a single mouthful? Right-o. JESSICA: The Anime Laws of Physics manage to intervene yet again. >> Kunzite watched his lover's antics for a moment, then decided to follow him. "Zoisite," he called. "Mind if I join you?"<< STEPHANIE: (disbelievingly) They can think about sex _now_? JAMES: [Cackles] Apparently, they're even more perverted than I, the Hentai God! JESSICA: Nerfball, get _over_ yourself and pass the nachos. >> Zoisite's head appeared from the immense cloud of steam. He smiled. "Maybe we can rid ourselves of Nephy's contamination together."<< JESSICA: Well, at least a Gratuitous Yaoi Scene will come of this. . . >> Kunzite hastened to join the smaller man in the shower. ~*~<< JESSICA: Nani-yo!? A SCENE CHANGE?! No steamy-but-slightly-disgusting shower scene, no kissy Kunzy and Zoi-kun, just a scene change!? STEPHANIE: [Comforts JESSICA] There, there. There will be other yaoi `fics, Jessi-chan. >> Kunzite and Zoisite lay in bed, the larger man's chest providing a pillow for his smaller lover.<< JESSICA/STEPHANIE: *_______* >>"We have to pay him back, you know," Zoisite twisted to look at Kunzite's face. "I know."<< JESSICA: You just come up with the idea, honey, and I'll pretend I thought of it. STEPHANIE: [Snickering] Right on, Jessi-chan. >>"It has to be something atrocious." "I know."<< STEPHANIE: It has to be something vile and atrocious. JESSICA: I know. STEPHANIE: So, you wanna get takeout? JESSICA: I know. >>"I think I know what we can do." Kunzite gazed placidly at the face of the small copper haired man. "Oh?" ~*~<< STEPHANIE: He didn't say `I know!' >>"Almost... There... Ahh..." The two kings smiled at each other. "That'll teach him."<< JESSICA: Ick. . . I sense a BAD feeling of Déjà vu on the horizon. >>Nephrite sighed, entering his quarters in the Dark Kingdom. "How much longer can this go on?" he asked himself rehtorically. He knew he could only survive so long in this world, and that time was growing ever shorter with each of the Queen's disciplinary sessions.<< STEPHANIE: Proper Usage Nazi spots a SPELLING ERROR! It's s'posed to be "rhetorically." JESSICA: Anyone want to take a guess what sort of "disciplinary actions" the Queen elicits? JAMES: I dunno, but I'll bet it's really hentai-ish! JESSICA: Y'know, I can completely see Beryl as a kindergarten teacher: `Just GLUE the damned macaroni to the paper, you snot-nosed little brats!' JAMES: Uh, Jessi-chan, where did THAT come from? JESSICA: (mischievously) Sore wa himetsu desu. >> He sighed again and stretched. Be that as it may, the only thing he wanted at the moment was to crawl into bed. He stripped to his boxers, a comfortable undergarment he'd discovered on Earth, and pulled back his blankets. Praying to whatever deity might have been listening that he might survive the Dark Kingdom longer than his nemesis, he climbed into bed and pulled the covers up to his chin.<< STEPHANIE: Awww, Neffy cuddles! JESSICA: And look, Shitennou undies! >> In an instant, he jumped up and threw back all his blankets. Why is my mattress wet? he thought suspiciously, revolting at the clamminess covering his skin and shorts. Bending over, he sniffed at the mattress. Smells very like...<< STEPHANIE: Uh oh. . .I smell trouble. . . JESSICA: [Grimacing] Apparently, so does Nephrite. JAMES: "Very like?" What's up with _that_? STEPHANIE: Sounds like a job for the Proper Usage Nazi! >> Nephrite dashed to his bathroom, stripping along the way.<< JESSICA: I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt, too sexy, yeah. . . STEPHANIE: I smell sex and CANDY, yeah, oooh. . . >> He flipped the faucet to the hottest water it would emit, and jumped into the shower. He scrubbed furiously at his body trying to remove all of the skin affected by his moist bedding. On imagining all of the activities that would have occurred on the offending mattress to make it so wet, he redoubled his vicious bathing, until his skin was bright red, and he was sure he was disinfected.<< JESSICA: It just occurred to me just how many ejaculations Kunzite and Zoisite would have had to have in order to achieve an entire bottle of, er, fluid. . . STEPHANIE: Jessi-CHAN. >> I don't believe they..." Nephrite shuddered. He knew Zoisite was depraved, but to do that on his bed, just defied the precepts of demon logic.<< JESSICA: `Scuse me? _Zoisite_ is the depraved one? YOU were the one who came in a wine bottle a zillion times, deceived Zoisite, who has a steady BOYFRIEND, into thinking it was your sad attempt to make amends, and now you're mad because he retaliated with the Trojan Horse attack, easily one of the oldest in the book. YOU, my dear Neffy-BAKA, are the depraved one! STEPHANIE/JAMES: [Cheering] Alright, Jessi-chan! JESSICA: [Takes a bow] Thank you, thank you! >> Unbidden, a thought crossed Nephrite's mind. He tried to banish it, but it persisted, almost as though it were being directed to him telepathically. Payback's a bitch, ain't it?<< STEPHANIE: Gotta give King Zoe credit: it's a nice ending. JESSICA: Yeah, although I _still_ say Akio and the Chastity Belt are a better retaliation than white stuff in a bottle will ever hope to be. STEPHANIE: Agreed. Whoa, here come the author's notes. . . >>"~*~ What'd ye think? Pretty narsty, wasn't it?<< JAMES: Uh, yeah, I would say so. Even by my standards, that was just a scene to be prudently avoided in fanfiction. >>"Unanswered questions are far less dangerous than unquestioned answers." -Unknown<< STEPHANIE: True. More to the point though, one should never touch an unlabeled bottle without knowing what's inside. Especially if it's a white substance. JESSICA: Comments, suggestions, criticisms for the author? JAMES: More sex! JESSICA: Besides that, you horny baka! STEPHANIE: Well, you write well, King Zoe; there were only a couple of scarce appearances by the Proper Usage Nazi, and the less, the better. How about utilizing your talents for something more. . . JESSICA: Carebear? STEPHANIE: Exactly. Now, Jessi-chan, may I suggest we find out what _else_ is in your bag? Ten bucks says we have a date with a crapload of subtitled Sailormoon episodes. . . JESSICA/JAMES: Right on! (The three otaku - rather, two mature, gorgeous bishoujo and one horny toad - had a merry ol' time. The moral of the story: if someone offers you a Pina Colada, run. Fast.) * * * The Clincher: "I heard somewhere that you and Kunzite enjoyed Pina Coladas, so I brought a pre-mixed bottle." Back to the Index