The regulars on TOC chat knew that this was in-progress. I've been inspired by the slew of independent MSTed 'fics as of late, and decided to try it. This one includes everyone's favorite euphemism, some really corny pet names, and lack of know-how in punctuation, grammar, spelling and what have you. Basically, it's gratuitous K/Z yaoi gone all wrong. Anyone who wants to play "count the number of (whatever), go right ahead ^_^; Oh yeah, for anyone who's confused, Jessie, James, Cassidy, Butch and Meowth are members of Team Rocket from Pokemon. They're not mine, I just borrowed them for a while. Zoisite84, who likes snow days, even when they don't apply to her. * * * (Cue to inside pan-over of a darkened building. We see various figures assembled on a large couch, kibitzing rather noisily. JESSIE and CASSIDY sit on opposite ends, both filing their nails. MEOWTH is perched on the arm closest to JESSIE. From the nearby kitchen area, we hear the hustle and bustle of JAMES and BUTCH, attempting to prepare munchies.) JESSIE: (trying to convince herself) I mean, it's not like I care if The Boss is slowly but surely losing the last remnants of faith in JAMES and I. I'm beautiful, poised, elegant, intelligent. . .I'll think of something to get us out of our, er, less-than-prosperous track record. CASSIDY: (slyly smirking) Of course you will. Might I remind you that The Boss has specifically ordered you to accept my gracious offering to help formulate your next plan to capture Pokemon? I mean, I'm sure my beauty, poise, elegance and intelligence are painfully short of your abilities, although, Butch and I have succeeded a great deal more in our few, flawless missions than you and your partner have managed in months. . . JESSIE: (gritting teeth) You don't have to rub it in or anything. . . CASSIDY: (faux innocence) Oh, dear me, of course not; how could I ever think that I even come close to matching your abilities, JESSIE, my dear? I'm merely pointing out vaguely related statistics. (JESSIE continues seething. CASSIDY haughtily flips one of her long, strawberry blonde pigtails over her shoulder. JAMES and BUTCH take the opportunity to hurry in, both holding large bowls of popcorn and six packs of soda.) JAMES: (giggly) Heehee! Finally, something even I can't screw up! These microwavable munchies are just what we need before we. . .er. . .(brow furrowing) um, JESSIE? JESSIE: (raises eyebrow) Yes? JAMES: (blushing slightly) Um, just what are we doing here, again? JESSIE: (straightens) We're here to formulate a strategy to capture lots of Pokemon, particularly Pikachu, get back into The Boss' good graces. . . MEOWTH: (interrupting) . . .considering you two were ever in his good graces. . . JESSIE: (glares, but continues) . . .earn The Boss' trust and praise, and create a hearty fortune for us so we'll never have to work again! (sobers) But, in the meantime, CASSIDY and BUTCH found a box of old fanfiction; we can amuse ourselves and possibly get ideas for our own prosperity in the meantime. JAMES: (giggles) Oooh, I like that plan! So efficient, so relaxing. . . MEOWTH: (once again interrupting) . . .so pass me the popcorn, and let's crack this puppy open! >>I Love It When You Call Me... Send all comments, compliments, suggestions, and flames to hentaiotaku@rocketmail.com. * * * *<< JAMES: (munching popcorn) An intriguing, yet evasive title. Interesting. . . CASSIDY: (crinkling her nose) But check out that e-mail address; no creativity, just the author's attempt to establish himself as worthy of writing such a complex genre of fanfiction such as hentai. And how dare he use Rocketmail! JESSIE: (attempted non-chalance) W-what's wrong with obvious attempts? CASSIDY: (scoffing) They're so blatant and boring! I'm happy to say that every plan BUTCH and I have concocted has been completely original. I'd be ashamed to have my name connected with such an obvious piece of - BUTCH: (intervening) Hey, c'mon you two, it's starting! >>Zoisite stood silently beside his lover and superior, Lord Kunzite as Kunzite-sama briefed and dismissed several youma agents.<< JESSIE: Dark Kingdom, eh? This won't be quite so bad, then. . .those boys are cute! CASSIDY: Briefing, hmm? And Zoisite's standing there letting him? BUTCH: Er, I think that's de-briefing, CASSIDY. . . >>Lord Kunzite ordered, "You have your orders. Now, carry them out."<< JAMES: Can I have my underwear back first, milord? >>As soon as the last youma had departed, both generals teleported back to their room and got down to business quickly.<< BUTCH: I'll get the Monopoly board; you go change into that hot little nightie I like so much. >>Limbs and tongues intertwined as hands slid under regulation Dark Kingdom jackets.<< JESSIE: (raises an eyebrow) That really was quick. CASSIDY: Get your official, one-of-a-kind Regulation Dark Kingdom Jacket, in your choice of red, yellow, green, or blue piping! Order now, and get Queen Beryl's funny purple headband-thingie thrown in for only $2.95! >>Kunizte and Zoisite fell back onto the pale-haired general's bed. Zoisite's uniform dissolved away in a swirling cloud of cherry blossoms. In a flash of pink Kunzite's clothes flew off his body JESSIE: . . .and spontaneously combusted, leaving the amorous couple unscathed, but doing some damage to one of the walls, and Kunzite's favorite KiSS poster. . . and quieted floated to the ground.<< JAMES AND BUTCH: (crowing loudly) Grammatical error! >>"Oh, Zoisite you are so beautiful..."<< JESSIE: Oh, Kunzaito-sama, is that the best compliment you can come up with? How romantic. . . >>Zoisite's only response was to lay back, legs spread wide-open as his lover dived right into his arms<< CASSIDY: TOUCHDOWN! JAMES AND BUTCH: -_-; >>and his lover's member smacked against his own, sending shivers of delight through both men. Kunzite quickly spread a little lube on his member<< JESSIE: When the going gets tough, lubricate with WD-40! Now available in extra strength tubes, for those difficult to reach spots! >>and then wasted no time pressing the tip of his penis against Zoisite's opening. Zoey leaned back and mentally, overrode his sphincter's natural command to clench giving his lover unrestricted access to his anus.<< CASSIDY: (idly chewing popcorn kernels) `Sphincter. . .' now there's a synonym I haven't heard in a while. Of course, Zoey's got some willpower, being able to control such an animalistic tendency as anus- clenching. . . JAMES: I think the author needs a lesson or two in punctuation and grammar, though. . .commas aren't that hard to stick in the right spot. (Everyone turns and stares at JAMES for his choice of words, who bites his lip, blushes, and sinks down in his seat.) >>Kunzite gasped, "Damn, Zoey you're so fucking tight. I'll go slow."<< BUTCH: Don't talk, Kunzaito-sama; just act cute and brooding like you do so well. >>"You can take me as fast as you want. I'm no wimp. I don't mind the pain."<< CASSIDY: And I know how much you love to think you're in control. >>Kunzite grinned and for a moment Zoisite saw a feral pale furred beast rising up above him.<< JESSIE/CASSIDY/BUTCH: o_o; JAMES: I am. . .The Wolfman! Bwa ha ha ha! >>Slowly, Kunzite impaled his wriggling lover who gasped, "Come on.... more. Hurry up and give me more."<< JESSIE: Yesss, Kunzaito-sama, I love being run-through with sharp objects! C'mon, I can take it! >>"In a hurry tonight, Baby."<< BUTCH: I thought he just said he was going to go slow. . . CASSIDY: I think it's another brilliant misdemeanor by the author; there's supposed to be a question mark at the end of that sentence. >>"Hell yeah! We haven't done it in four whole days." (Author's note: Oh, Zoisite, you poor thing. Am I the only one hating this bitch?)<< JESSIE: I pity him, really. Both of them, for being used for such a disgustingly out-of-character, poorly-written smut fest. CASSIDY: (smirks) The author sounds rather bitter, eh, JESSIE? I guess he hasn't gotten any lovin' in a while. . . MEOWTH: (snnrks) Hey, you think that may be what's causing JESSIE to be so. . . JESSIE: (growls) Don't you dare say it! >>"Just shut up and fuck me...hard.", Zoisite begged.<< JAMES: See, Kunzaito-sama? I can be just as animalistic, brutal, and uncultured as you in bed! JESSIE: (boredly) Periods and commas should be used sparingly. . . >>"OK, here it comes Baby."<< CASSIDY: What's with the cheesy pet names? JESSIE: It's better than creative euphemisms. Of course, anything is better than "love pole." >>"I'm ready, Daddy."<< CASSIDY/BUTCH/JAMES: -_-; JESSIE: (sweatdropping) Perhaps I spoke too soon. . . >>"Here it comes, boy."<< JESSIE: (covering face in hands) I take it back. . .really! >>"Right, here lover. I'm right here."<< BUTCH: I don't want you to accidently stick that in the wrong place again. You know the neighbors got kind of perturbed when they had to come help you remove yourself. >>"I'm bringing it on hard, strong, and long..."<< JAMES: (begins humming "The Thong Song," to which the other three characters glare at.) Heh heh. . . >>"I ain't going anywhere, come on now, Big Papa."<< JESSIE: (groaning) For the love of Pokemon. . . MEOWTH: . . .not the cheesy, out-of-character pet names! BUTCH AND JAMES: (hugging) Mommy, make it stop! >>"Here comes the real thing and it ain't a coke, but it will leave you with a smile."<< (The cast collaboratively sweatdrops.) CASSIDY: Um, what the hell? >>"Would you just fuck me already? Damn. Or do I need to go get that piston thing I plug into the wall."<< JAMES: (whimpers) BUTCH: Shouldn't there be a question mark at the end of the last sentence? >>"Alright, Zoisite, you impatient little, witch. Let's do this like THIS."<< JESSIE: What is wrong with this author? Can't he figure out when to punctuate!? CASSIDY: (raising an eyebrow) Now, now, Jessie, not everyone is a perfect, nearly god-like being. (sweetly) I'm sure you can relate. MEOWTH/BUTCH/JAMES: (snickering) JESSIE: (curtly) Let's get back to the story! >>"OHHHH!", Zoisite's head snapped back as his ass thrust itself forward of it's own doing. Kunzite had just slammed several inches of hard, veined man-meat into him and every nerve ending in his ass screamed, "Thank You, Metallica, for sex this good."<< CASSIDY: (skeptically) His ass thrusting makes his head snap back? That boy has got some problems. JAMES: (innocently) Not to mention that his ass can form nearly coherent sentences, something the author hasn't yet figured out how to do. BUTCH: I wouldn't have pictured Zoi-boy as a Metallica fan, though. . . JESSIE: Yeah; everyone knows the majority of his CD collection is copied off of Napster. >>"OHHH GAWD!....that I like....OHH shit...yeah right....like....OHHH damn your a hell of a lover... come on...YESSS...please don't even think* about stopping...OHH GAWD, oh gawd, oh gawd...fill me up with your lovepole Big Daddy...SHIT, shit, shit, SHIT!...Come on, Big Daddy, come on, Big Papa..."<< PRETTY MUCH EVERYONE: (screams in terror) LOVE POLE!? JESSIE: I don't think even I'm that loud in bed. . . MEOWTH: Yeah; even when you're snoring! (CASSIDY, BUTCH, and JAMES begin snickering loudly. JESSIE picks up MEOWTH and chucks him into a vacant room. Loud cat screeching is heard.) >>"What did you call me?", asked Kunzite.<< CASSIDY: You mean you didn't hear it after all that ruckus? >>"Big Daddy?"<< BUTCH: Adam Sandler would be ashamed. >>"No, Baby after that."<< JESSIE: Am I the only one seeing slight resemblances between Kunzite and Austin Powers? CASSIDY: (cringing) As long as we get through this without Kunzite saying `groovy' I'll be fine. >>"Big Papa?!...SHIT!", screamed the dark blonde-haired general as his head lolled to one side. All he'd been doing for the last several thrusts was hanging onto Kunzite like his lover was the only thing between him and drowning in an icy sea. His hips thrust up to meet his lover, all on their own, it was as if Zoey's own body had become a separate thing, except that he could feel everything as it happened.<< JAMES: (scratches his head confusedly) Um. . .does that make any sense to you guys? BUTCH: How does he hold onto Kunzite so tightly when he's, er, buggering him from behind? Unless Zoi-boy's an exorcist or something, it'd be kind of tiring to have his arms clasping his dumb-as-a-Buick boyfriend. . . (MEOWTH's muffled snickers can be heard.) >>"Yeah, my lover", Kunzite delivered another thrust and slowly withdrew, "...my baby I love it when you call me that".<< JESSIE: (sweatdropping) At least he didn't find any sentiment in the `love pole' comment. . . >>"Then Kunzite-sama, I'll call you that all night. Big Papa fix it where I can't walk straight tomorrow. Bring it on, Big Papa."<< CASSIDY: For some reason, "Ice, Ice, Baby," comes to mind. . .and. . .Kunzite in baggy pants and chains. . . JAMES/BUTCH/JESSIE: (groaning) >>"Big Papa?", smiled Kunzite "Yeah, Big Papa."<< JESSIE: The Punctuation Master strikes again. . . >>Loud lewd laughter burst from the pale-haired generals' mouth as he continued thrusting and bringing himself and his lover, closer and closer to climax.<< JESSIE: . . .and again. CASSIDY: I thought he'd withdrawn; and how can they speak that coherently? If they were really still caught up in the heat of the moment, the most we'd be hearing is various grunts and groans. >>"You know... I love it when you call me, Big Papa."<< JAMES: I know, you dolt, you just got done saying that! >>"No, I didn't know, but now that I do as far as I'm concerned the second our clothes come off that's your given name."<< (Collaborative sweatdropping once again takes place. MEOWTH stumbles back in the room and meekly sits next to CASSIDY, as far away from JESSIE as possible.) >>"So...", whispered Kunzite as he laid a row of butterfly kisses down Zoisite's chest, "...you'll call me that from now on."<< JESSIE: `Laid' doesn't sound right in that context. . . of course, this entire story doesn't sound right. >>Zoisite half-set up as he cried out, "General Kunzite, as long as you make me feel like tihs I'll call you whatever you like. I''ll call you, King. I'll call you, Emperor. Hell, I'll call you Master of the Fucking Universe. Just heat my asshole up and watch the compliments fly."<< BUTCH: Ladies and gentlemen, have we got a treat for you: it's the Heat My Asshole Zoisite Action Figure! Just stick the piece of - JAMES/CASSIDY/JESSIE/MEOWTH: ENOUGH, ALREADY! BUTCH: (meekly) Kay. >>"Oh, now Zoisite, you know I couldn't do it without you no other man gets me as arroused as you. Damn, your beautiful."<< JESSIE: (boredly) And we're back to lousy punctuation, spelling, grammar, and cheap compliments. CASSIDY: Er, I'm assuming they both orgasmed already. . ? >>Zoisite flopped back and let his lower continue to kiss his way down his chest.<< JAMES: Um, what part of him "flopped back" ? (Everyone looks ready to beat JAMES over the head; the blue-haired bishounen looks around, pales, and looks down at the ground.) >>"This is what life's about.", thought Zoey, "This and that stuff, humans call chocolate."<< JESSIE: Oh, don't even get me started on sex and chocolate comparisons. >>* * * * Send all comments, compliments, suggestions, and flames to hentaiotaku@rocketmail.com.<< JAMES: (looks up) I-is it over? CASSIDY: (cautiously) I think so. Well, we made it. On the off chance that the author is reading this, it'd behoove you to locate a spelling/grammar check and learn how to punctuate. JESSIE: Also, lose the cheesy pet names. Admittedly, it's not as bad as a slew of creative euphemisms, but your inclusion of "love pole" made you liable to be charged with lemon slander. BUTCH: And study your characters a bit more before attempting to write about them in bed together! MEOWTH: Yeah, no kidding; I'm going to have nightmares for weeks about Kunzite, baggy pants, and rap music. CASSIDY: (snidely) Well, JESSIE, I should commend you a bit. JESSIE: (raising an eyebrow) Why? CASSIDY: For once, we've found something that's even worse than one of your plans. (JESSIE growls and moves to tackle CASSIDY. BUTCH and JAMES make half- hearted attempts to restrain her, but give up as soon as the claws come out, and begin cleaning up the slight mess from their munchies. MEOWTH just snickers and watches the fur fly, so to speak.) MEOWTH: (grinning) This sure ain't "When All Else Fails," but sometimes, a good cat fight makes up for the lack of absurdity in bad lemons. (The sounds of chaos continue well into the afternoon.) Back to the Index