From: "Ivana B. Anonymous" Subject: [SM][MST3K][Lemon] Ivana Vs. Ivana For those of you who have never visited Ivana's lair, the guided tour is on for today and today only. So please step lively and try not to feed the alligators, they're remnants from when Kodachi used to live here. But they don't take too kindly to tourists. Watch the stairs there, they're badly lit... do try to avoid the booby traps (no, not that kind of booby, get your mind out of the gutter!) And now, behind the curtain of love beads (as if they would be any other kind of beads)... may I present to you... ...hey... who are you!? **** Ivana Vs. Ivana An MST of a lemon fanfiction by Ivana B. Anonymous (ladyivana@hotmail.com) Featuring characters from Sailor Moon, Fushigi Yuugi, Escaflowne, Rurouni Kenshin, and Slayers, with guest appearances from Master of Mosquiton and You're Under Arrest, and perhaps some others... **** I. could hardly believe it. Not that there aren't a million other Ivanas in the world, but in the realm of lemon fan fiction at least, one ought to be able to keep one's reputation spotless. So imagine the surprise on the lovely face of the diva of decadence when upon checking the weekly fanfic updates, another Ivana appears! [after viewing the stories index] "I didn't know I. wrote that!" [after a few minutes of reading, a puzzled expression turns deathly pale] "Oh dear me, I know I. didn't write THAT..." [a scowl shadowing lovely features after another few seconds] "..........BOYS!!!" [The sound of a gong echoes through the lair. The couch shaped like a pair of lips shakes slightly, and yesterday's leftover martini wavers in its glass. And then, in pour the boys...] *** Cast of Characters (in order of appearance) *** First in line, as always, is MAMORU, who can barely keep his nose out of his genetics textbook as he walks. He nearly trips over poor VAN, who has a certain cat-girl permanently attached to his leg and can't seem to shake MERLE no matter what he does. DRYDEN follows, rubbing his stubble and watching amusedly. KEISUKE and TETSUYA chat amiably as they saunter into the room. That is, until Keisuke asks to borrow some money, at which point his friend puts him in a headlock and stuffs his face into the couch. A sexy woman in a purple sweater comes by, drawing Tetsuya's gaze, until she rescues Keisuke from the couch cushions and he informs Tetsuya that the sexy lady is, in fact, NURIKO. MISAO bounds into the room, dragging a bored-looking AOSHI by the wrist. He sighs, sits on the floor, and attempts to meditate. YATEN watches the turmoil and settles down on the couch. In the background, XELLOS flickers into the scene, looking vaguely amused. ** "What are we doing here today?" Yaten yawned, leaning back on the couch. "Another incredibly confusing meta-MST?" "Straight MST this time," Mamoru answered without looking up from his textbook. "No Kurama in sight?" Yaten said hopefully. "But it must be a really awful fic to warrant the Lady's summoning us all here," Dryden drawled, poking around various drawers and compartments in search of hidden treasure. "Not that I mind, of course," he added. "She really has the most interesting things." Leaning back, he examined a strange-looking contraption through his spectacles. "Um, do you want me to tell you what that is?" Keisuke volunteered uncomfortably. Dryden turned in surprise. Seeing Keisuke's expression, he examined the object further and promptly turned a deep shade of red. "Now, now," Xellos intoned from the background, "you know Lady Ivana doesn't like us to be too hard on the authors." "I never could figure that out," said Merle, licking her paw. "We can rag on the fic all we like, but outright calling it awful is against the rules?" "That's because Lady Ivana knows that authors are people too, and she wants to keep it all in fun," Xellos explained. "You're a funny one to talk about people," Merle grumbled. "At least I don't bathe myself in public," Xellos answered, smiling. The cat-girl bristled. Next to the couch, Misao pulled anxiously on an oblivious Aoshi's shoulder. "Ne, ne, ne, ne," she called. "Isn't this going to be fun, Aoshi-sama? Isn't it? Isn't it?" "Ommmmmmm," said Aoshi, trying desperately to block out the whole universe. "Mou!!" whined Nuriko, leaning against a considerably uncomfortable-looking Tetsuya. "I can't believe you didn't recognize me!" "Sorry!" he said, trying in vain to adjust his horribly crooked shades. "It's hard to see with these shades on!" "And who do you think you are, Sagami Rei?" Keisuke muttered under his breath. "But I thought you quit cross-dressing!" Tetsuya continued to make excuses for himself. "Honey," said Nuriko, tossing her hair and getting up, "after fifteen years of living as a woman, you don't just let it all go. Hmm, who's that cute little boy over there? Such a serious face..." Across the room, Van suddenly sneezed. The lights began to dim as a screen unfurled from the ceiling, and Xellos materialized at the front of the room. "Gentlemen and ladies," he announced with the flair of an emcee, "the main show is about to begin. Please keep your hands and arms inside the vehicle, unless, of course, Lady Ivana instructs you to put them elsewhere. And now, a fic by Ivana... another Ivana! Roll 'em!" ** > Serena and Darien Married MAMORU: ...and lived happily ever after. The end. Can we go home now? > * This is a Lemon * NURIKO: (concerned) Your lemon looks a little fuzzy. Are you sure it's not moldy? >By: Ivana TETSUYA & KEISUKE: MERLE: Copycat! >Don't read if you're under age! XELLOS: Under age what? YATEN: I'm under the age of someone older than me. Does that mean I don't have to read it? DRYDEN: Van, you two aren't old enough to be here. VAN: Look, normally I'd take any excuse to leave. But do you have any idea how exhausted I am after dragging her all the way in here? MERLE: (hissing) That's an awful thing to say. >Oh Darien. I'm so happy! We're finally married! KEISUKE: (nudging a dozing Tetsuya) Hey, I think the fic started. TETSUYA: (rubbing his eyes) Eh? That was quick. KEISUKE: If we're lucky, it'll end that quickly. VAN: Do you suppose that's Serena talking? MERLE: Who else would be marrying Darien? DRYDEN: Well, it could be a Daviesfic... >I am too Usagi! how about we celebrate. NURIKO: How about you decide which set of names you want to use? DRYDEN: Darien and Usagi, eh? Scary combination... KEISUKE: You are not Usagi! TETSUYA: I am too Usagi! KEISUKE: You are NOT! NURIKO: Darien is too Usagi for my tastes... now Mamoru, on the other hand... MAMORU: (inching away from her) I'm having awful flashbacks to Neherenia... >Darien grabbed Serena MISAO: But Usagi's right there in the room with you!! Jerk... XELLOS: I don't know, a dub/sub threesome is an interesting twist. MISAO: (whirling to scowl at him) You would be the kind of person to think of that. >and took her to the kitchen to get some honey, DRYDEN: Or maybe he took his honey to the kitchen to get some. NURIKO: (laughing) That too. >and some ice cubes. NURIKO: (catlike) I like my honey colllld... MAMORU: (shuddering) Definitely Neherenia flashbacks... >He quickly took her to the bedroom where he started un buttoning her >shirt and threw her pants somewhere in the room. NURIKO: (as Luna) ::muffled mewing:: MISAO: Wait a minute, if this is their wedding night why is she wearing PANTS? >He quickly unsnapped her bra and there they were. KEISUKE: Fred and Wilma! TETSUYA: Bill and Monica! KEISUKE: Abbott and Costello! TETSUYA: Dilandau and Serena! VAN: TETSUYA: Sorry, sorry... > The breasts that he had been >waiting for all his life, MERLE: Darien wanted breasts? Is this one of those sick transvestite fantasies? NURIKO: Excuse me?? YATEN: If anyone makes any Starlight jokes they're going to get a kick in the tail. [Nuriko turns around and looks at Yaten admiringly.] NURIKO: (to Yaten) You know, you're kind of cute too. YATEN: (uncomfortably) I'm spoken for. >but he pressed on to her mound. TETSUYA: Because the starting pitcher needed some relief.... OW!! MISAO: (with silver darts in hand) You deserved it. That was nasty! TETSUYA: (rubbing his sore shoulder) It was a baseball joke! BASEBALL!! >He pulled off the wet undies and there it was. KEISUKE: The Holy Grail! TETSUYA: The Hope Diamond! KEISUKE: Milk Pocky! INAHO: (suddenly running through like a madwoman) O-parts!! O-parts!! >The 2nd best thing in the world besides her breasts. MAMORU: AOSHI: Wouldn't that make it the third best thing? [Everyone turns to look at Aoshi.] AOSHI: It wasn't me. I'm meditating. Ommmmm.... >He grabbed the ice cubes and pushed her back on the bed lightly. KEISUKE: Here honey, I'll just give you a light shove... TETSUYA: OOF... KEISUKE: Sorry, I've never been one for subtlety. YATEN: Neither has the author, I think... TETSUYA: Remind me to get you for that one. >He lifted away her folds and stuck the ice cubes in. TETSUYA: Darien! Why are you putting ice cubes on my pleated skirt? KEISUKE: If he lifted them away, does that mean they're not coming back? DRYDEN: (chuckling) It's labial theft! MERLE: That's disgusting. XELLOS: (winking) But anatomically correct... >Ohh...... Serena moaned KEISUKE & TETSUYA: (singing to the tune of American Pie) Ohh, ohh, Sere-e-na moaaaned... YATEN: It really gets this author off when she moans, I guess. MAMORU: Quote marks. Quote marks are good things. >Darien pushed it in and out and in and out. MISAO: As opposed to just in and out. NURIKO: Or in and out and in and out and in and out. MERLE: Or out and in and out and in. DRYDEN: And then Serena got frostbite. > Serena kept moaning and groaning because the cube clashed > with her heat. NURIKO: That doesn't sound too comfortable. KEISUKE: Makes me think of a space heater in a cubicle office. TETSUYA: Sounds like a Dilbert cartoon to me. >Darien felt his dick becoming hardened. YATEN: By Usagi, who was still in the room. DRYDEN: Popsicles Darien style. Mix honey and ice cubes, cool until hardened... NURIKO: (lecherously) That doesn't sound half bad. VAN: Doesn't sound half good, either. > He took out the ice cube and stuck it in her mouth to taste her self. VAN: How can ::he:: taste ::her::self? YATEN: (adman) Self. The new fragrance from Serena Enterprises. NURIKO: ::singing:: When I think about you, I touch my Self... KEISUKE & TETSUYA: We DON'T want to know! >He left the cube to melt and started to stick his hand in her pussy. MISAO: MEOWWWRRR! AOSHI: (deadpan) That's a really old joke. MERLE: For me, it's PERSONAL! Yowch!! >Slowly , MAMORU: The author got to the comma. YATEN: Given the pace of this fic, "slowly" is about 55 mph... MIYUKI & NATSUMI: (suddenly speeding through in their Mini) Hey! You're Under Arrest! >one by one, he stuck his finger in . DRYDEN: And that little dot is the place he poked her. MERLE: If he's only sticking one finger in, how can he do it one by one? YATEN: Maybe he's alternating between Serena and Usagi again... MAMORU: [brusquely] Please leave my girlfriend out of this. Thank you. > He finally fit his whole hand in ALL THE WOMEN: Yeeoowwwch! > and he felt her walls YATEN: ...were padded. MAMORU: (unable to help himself) No, Minako's are padded. YATEN: I'll thank you to leave MY girlfriend out of this, sir. > and moved his hand around while she came. KEISUKE: ...out of her shell. TETSUYA: ...to my window. NURIKO: ...to realize that he was playing cat's cradle with her private area. >He then took his hand out and she sat up. DRYDEN: That was fun, but next time don't use me as a glove. > He pushed her back down lovingly KEISUKE: You know I'm only doing this because I love you. (He shoves Tetsuya off the couch. Tetsuya sits a moment on the floor, gives Keisuke a sickeningly sweet smile, and gets back up before doing his own riff.) TETSUYA: This is what I think of you sitting up before I tell you to! (He promptly shoves Keisuke halfway across the room.) KEISUKE: (after taking a forced nosedive onto the floor) Ehehe, nice callback there, buddy. Now help me get the hell up. NURIKO: Boys, could you settle down? We're trying to read a fanfic here. MERLE: Don't mind them, that's the way guys are. (A beat. Merle stares at Nuriko.) MERLE: Erm, I didn't mean...! > and laid down on the bed next to her. He grabbed one of her nipples DRYDEN: ...and ran away with it. ALL THE WOMEN: (again) YEOWWCH! > and began the task of sucking on it and then pinching the other > breast. VAN: If it's such a task, he shouldn't be doing it... DRYDEN: (shrugging) Serena is a harsh taskmaster, I guess. YATEN: Does anyone else think that pinching a breast would hurt an awful lot? The nipple is one thing, but... MAMORU: (under his breath) You'd know, I guess. YATEN: What was that? MAMORU: Oh, just agreeing... MISAO: Eeek! I'm awake already! >While he was sucking >and pinching she grabbed his shirt and ripped it off. MISAO: With surprising maneuverability and power. KEISUKE: Yes, you too can rip off Darien's clothes! MAMORU: [incredulous] What was that!? KEISUKE: Well, if you wear a green jacket and black turtleneck, you'll be a ripoff too! > She ripped the remainder TETSUYA: of her mp3s onto CD. KEISUKE: off the division problem. >of his clothing and threw it away somewhere in the room. NURIKO: ::muffled:: That's enOUGHGMPHTHMPTH! > She looked down and saw his dick. ALL: Hi, Dick! MISAO: See Dick run! NURIKO: See Dick play! DRYDEN: See Dick be confused for a sexual organ! MERLE: (meowing briefly) Nothing embarrasses you, does it!? DRYDEN: No, not really. But why Dick, I wonder? Why not "Bob," or "Gus," or "Misao"... MISAO: WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?? > All majorly there for her , ALL: TETSUYA: Like, majorly there for her, dude. YATEN: When did Chad get into the room! DRYDEN: Better than minorly there for her. That'd cause some problems. AOSHI: I guess Serena really is a California girl... (All turn to Aoshi again in shock.) AOSHI: Well, where do you think I learned my meditation techniques? > but she resisted because Darien was pleasuring her so. MAMORU: So what? XELLOS: So... VAN: So...? XELLOS: So... ALL: So..? XELLOS: Sore wa himitsu desu. [another version, for the English-speaking crowd: MAMORU: So what? XELLOS: So that... VAN: That? XELLOS: That is... ALL: That is? XELLOS: That is a secret.] >He switched positions MISAO: Shortstop! Play Shortstop! YATEN: No, a short stop is BAD in this situation. NURIKO: Not as bad as a tight end. VAN: (coughing) Do you mind? NURIKO: No, not at all, why? Would you like me to? >and then sucked the other one and pinched the sucked one. KEISUKE: That one sucked! NURIKO: Be glad it didn't bite. >When he stopped he got the honey out of the jar NURIKO: And she was very relieved to have air to breathe again. >and rubbed it on her body. YATEN: Oh man... I don't even want to think about the pain that's gonna be to clean up... > By then Serena had cum already and was waiting for the moment > that 2 would become one. DRYDEN: So does she want to come twice or once? i can't figure this girl out. MERLE: 2 of what, anyway? VAN: (pondering) Maybe it's her breasts again... YATEN: (deadpan) Serena the Unibreast. > He started sucking and licking all of the honey off YATEN: ...and was promptly ill. Yick! VAN: ...and had a bad case of sticky tongue for the next six weeks. MISAO: ...and went into sugar shock. > and when he was done he massaged her breasts and lapped at her jewl TETSUYA: What's Jewel doing in here? KEISUKE: Nice singer, but she can't write poetry for her life... YATEN: No, not Jewel, jewl. MAMORU: I thought Queen Beryl was the Jewish one. [cf. manga vol. 3] MISAO: I thought jewls were old men's double chins. > until she was sucked dry. YATEN: (with Southern accent) Like an oil rig in Te-xas. NURIKO: I don't think she'd be dry at this point... MERLE: Whatever you're thinking, don't think it. NURIKO: (offended) You wound me! I just mean he was slobbering all over her... MAMORU: (looking rather ill) That's quite enough. >She started to rub the honey all over him and when she got to his >tiny little chest MAMORU: NURIKO: Haven't you ever SEEN this guy? Broad shoulders, wide chest. (She grabs Mamoru by the shoulders and pushes him forward to "show" the author.) NURIKO: Take a look! MAMORU: Do you MIND!? AOSHI: (seriously) Considering the characterization (or lack thereof), ...I can very much believe that the author hasn't seen the characters. (He looks around nervously and is very glad that people don't stare at him this time. He relaxes a little.) MISAO: Well, with someone calling his chest tiny, no wonder he has such a breast fetish! DRYDEN: (analytically) Has anyone noticed that these two haven't been talking the whole time? It's all moans and choreography. One would think there would be a little communication between a married couple. YATEN: Yeah, like there was "communication" earlier when the author messed up the dub names and the original on the SECOND line of the fic. God, that took talent... MAKOTO: (breezing through) No, I have the most talent!! YATEN: And THAT was predictable. >she began pinching the nipples and kept on going while massaging his >chest. She got to the hot dog in no time MISAO: There was a hot dog on his chest? NURIKO: Man, it really must be tiny if she can bump into THAT while playing with THOSE. MISAO: (glancing around at Mamoru) Aw, don't pout, Mamoru-san...!! We don't mean you! > and instead of going in VAN: (extremely disturbed) Stop it, stop it, stop it. SHE can't go in. HE can, but SHE can't. MERLE: (rallying to his side.) Anatomy, people. Anatomy! > she licked off the pre-cum and stuck her finger up his shaft. ALL WOMEN: WHAT!?!?!? ALL MEN: (clutching themselves and groaning) XELLOS: I don't know, it's possible on me... YATEN: Yes, but you're a) gender-confused and b) not human. Your point? XELLOS: (smiling) What of it, Mr. or Ms. Healer? YATEN: (flustered) ... >Ohh. Darien moaned.... MERLE: The author's getting off on the characters' moans again. MISAO: ::throwing four silver darts at the screen:: Here, have some quote marks. >She stuck the huge thing into her mouth as Darien came. NURIKO: What huge thing? It's not the tiny chest... KEISUKE: Must be a foot-long hot dog. MAMORU: (completely red) Unnecessary details... VAN: This is an unnecessary fic. Just live with it. > She sucked the hot dog dry of any moisture. VAN: (under his breath) Uhm, ouch... MERLE: Waiter!! More ketchup!! > Darien kept coming and finally he forced her to stop > because their moment was coming! NURIKO: (singsong) First she comes, then he comes, then their moment comes... what else could come around here, the mail? KEISUKE & TETSUYA: We're gonna come, come, come, till Daddy takes the T-bird away... NURIKO: Unfortunately, that's a little too realistic there, boys. >Darien got a long ribbon out , MISAO: That's not a very long ribbon. DRYDEN: What, you mean that thing at the end of the phrase? I think it's a comma. MISAO: (truly surprised) Really? I thought he was showing us the ribbon. MERLE: Where is he gonna get a long ribbon from anyway? XELLOS: The wedding dress she forgot to put on. He snipped it to shreds as revenge when she showed up in pants to the ceremony. DRYDEN: Maybe Darien was wearing the wedding dress... MERLE: Back to that Darien Wanting Breasts thing again, eh? > sissors. TETSUYA: Who are you calling a sissor, you sissy? YATEN: Sissor Mary Agnes explains it all for us... TETSUYA: Wasn't that Clarissa? YATEN: (fed up) Oh, turn your TV off and go to a show one of these days! It's a play, dumbass! No culture in this room. Honestly... > He tied up serena's hands with the ribbon and shoved her on the bed. DRYDEN: This loving relationship is really touching. VAN: Yeah, and not much of anything else. > Her ass was sticking out and was willing to take him in. TETSUYA: Don't believe her, Darien, she's talking out of her ass! NURIKO: If anyone here does an impression of Serena's ass talking, I may have to hit you hard. You don't want me to hit you HARD. You don't even want me to hit you lightly. > He positioned himself behind her butt and rammed his dick inside > of her. ALL WOMEN: OUCH... DRYDEN: This guy really knows how to be gentle, doesn't he? > Her muscles gripped him and he felt himself coming in side of her. TETSUYA: No, actually, that's just her needing to use that port for a departure... KEISUKE: (whapping Tetsuya light) That's disgusting. TETSUYA: No, seriously! Imagine getting di... (WHAP) TETSUYA: ..erm... ill at a time like this. VAN: (looking queasy) I think I AM ill at this point. > He pulled in and out and she was pushed foward and backward. DRYDEN: Oh, so they're playing on the swingsets now, are they? NURIKO: No, honey. She's on a swingset. He's on a Nautilus machine. DRYDEN: Ooh, kinky. NURIKO: (inching closer to him) Dontcha think? KEISUKE: (to Tetsuya, watching the pair talk) Think we should tell him? TETSUYA: Nah, not yet, let's wait 'til he finds out. > The were AOSHI: (deadpan) ...wolves howled at the moon. > both enjoying themselves until Darien untied her. KEISUKE: Goddamnit, Darien, tie me back up! I want more bondage and humiliation, dammit. What kind of a husband ARE you, anyway? >He tied her to the posts of his bed . MERLE: (pointing at the period) Like the one he's showing us right there. MISAO: All four? How big a bed is this, anyway? DRYDEN: (with his arm around Nuriko by now, glancing sideways at the screen) I guess he wants her to stretch out and enjoy herself... NURIKO: (seductively) Mmmm, hmm... KEISUKE: (to Tetsuya) Should we tell 'im now? TETSUYA: Nah, nah, wait a few more minutes. > Pulled on the condom and got ready. KEISUKE: Film at eleven. TETSUYA: Gentlemen, start your condoms! KEISUKE: He's already given her anal sex and he didn't bother with the condom then? The man worries me... MERLE: I think "given her" isn't the right way to say it. > He forced himself into her pussy , tight, and breaking her virginity. MAMORU: (sighing) That sentence is wrong in so many ways. YATEN: Even discounting the content. > He put his hands on her breasts massaging them and she put her > hands on his chest. MISAO: And pushed him away. > Darien started at a slow rhythm KEISUKE: A waltz? TETSUYA: A minuet? KEISUKE: A tango? TETSUYA: A samba? KEISUKE: A bossa nova? TETSUYA: Nah, definitely a lambada. > and Serena bucked her hips to match him. TETSUYA: (with a mildly obscene gesture) The buck stops HERE, baby! KEISUKE: Hey Serena, can I borrow a few bucks? YATEN: That sounds like something Seiya would say. > Faster and faster and sweaty-er and sweatier. VAN: (standing up) Okay. Okay. Just wait a minute. I understand the name confusion, kind of. But this author had to spell "sweatier" two different ways in the same sentence? DRYDEN: (leaning into Nuriko's neck, drawling absently) Two spellings in three words is not a good thing... (Keisuke and Tetsuya stare at each other, then at the couple, disconcertedly.) KEISUKE: Maybe we really shou... TETSUYA: (cutting him off) Why mess with a good thing? YATEN: Maybe the first time was more sweaty, but the second time was more like a sweater. MERLE: That joke is threadbare... YATEN: Ouch. > They slowed the pace down and Serena fliped > over so she was on top. KEISUKE & TETSUYA: ::humming the theme to Flipper:: VAN: Darien, over easy. NURIKO: (without breaking eye contact with Dryden) Emphasis on the easy. MISAO: (disturbed) What about what he's done so far is so easy? VAN: Well, it's sure as hell not over... > Serena started MERLE: To cry. > as she slided up and down Darien's erect dick. She felt Darien > burst and he screamed her name. TETSUYA: Oh, man, that's gonna be hell to clean up... YATEN: It was good for me, hon, but please don't spontaneously combust next time... AOSHI: (starting nervously) WHAT did you just say about spontaneous combustion? [*cf. a critical moment of the Kyoto arc of RK -I.] > She felt a surge of cum come into her KEISUKE & TETSUYA: (singsong) Come, cum, come! >and she too fell into organism. YATEN: Wow, I didn't know Serena's biology had improved that much. MAMORU: (studiously) What kind of an organism? KEISUKE: All I know, Scotty, is there's no intelligent life around here. > She slowly came to a stop and fell ontop of Darien. VAN: Darien, the living stop line. MERLE: (as close to being a stewardess as she possibly can) Please keep your hands and arms inside the car until the Serena has come to a complete stop. NURIKO: I always knew that man could stop traffic... DRYDEN: (mock hurt) Heyyy. Who are you looking at? NURIKO: (leaning forward) I could show you if you like... KEISUKE: (panicking) We've GOTTA stop them!! TETSUYA: (groaning) Okay, okay. Hey! Fanelia! (Van looks around.) TETSUYA: You know him, right? Say something! VAN: Uh, oh, um, Dryden... what about Millerna? DRYDEN: ??.... Oh, come on. This lady's more woman than she'll ever be. (Keisuke can't help it. This drives him into a fit of giggles.) XELLOS: 'Scuse me... but, can we finish the fic? It's almost done... > Still together as one . YATEN: That's the one. See? (pointing to the dot) >Darien bucked and Serena slided. TETSUYA: Uh, wha? KEISUKE: (intellectually) Well, quite obviously, he paid for her to go to a water park. TETSUYA: (blinking behind his shades) HUH? KEISUKE: (smirking) He gave the bucks and she went down the slide. TETSUYA: (groaning) MAMORU: No, but seriously, in this situation how or where or what do you "slide?" YATEN: (leaning back and yawning) Well, this fic has been on a slippery slope since it started... >Good night Serena. YATEN: Good night, Gracie. TETSUYA: Good night, Seiya... erm, I mean Haruka... erm,... umm... MERLE: Good night Moon, good night room... >Good Night Darien... MISAO: (nudging Mamoru in the side) And Darien is good at night, isn't he? AOSHI: (choking back his gulp of surprise and pretending not to notice) MISAO: (chuckling) Aha! You ARE jealous, aren't you, Aoshi-sama? Ha ha ha ha ha... AOSHI: (deliberately) OMMMMMM. >* To be continued * KEISUKE & TETSUYA: NOOOO! > ------------------------------------------------------ > -------------------------------------------- MERLE: Tell me that was the continuation!! Please? Please? Please? MISAO: (sighing) No, that was the CENSORS. MERLE: We should BE so lucky. >So what did you guys think of my first lemon? YATEN: Um, it su... (Yaten is promptly bashed in the head by Ivana, who does not trash authors THAT severely as a rule) YATEN: ...um, needed work? ** (The lights go up and the screen rolls away. An interesting scene unfolds: Keisuke and Tetsuya are arm-wrestling and growling at each other in true frat boy fashion. Merle and Misao are trading personal grooming and stealth tips, while Van and Aoshi grumble to each other in low voices. And, naturally, Nuriko and Dryden are looking mighty cozy in one corner of the couch. Xellos takes a sip of tea from his perch atop the bookshelf, and Mamoru and Yaten both look absolutely exhausted, Mamoru slumped over in his chair and Yaten leaning back on the couch trying to avoid the hanky-panky going on at the other end.) "Well, you can say at least one thing for this faux Ivana," Xellos observed between sips. "She didn't do anything as tasteless as matching them up with other characters, or doing something involving non-consensual sex or children." "I guess," conceded Yaten. "But in the future, it might help to put sexual situations in the context of, uh, I don't know, a story..." "Or remember who the characters are you're dealing with," Mamoru volunteered weakly. Nuriko leaned back into Dryden's arms. "And for goodness' sake, avoid the cliched smut words. There are prettier and sexier ways to say these things," she said. "Um, speaking of sex," Keisuke ventured, and promptly had his elbow turned inside out. Tetsuya cheered. "Ha! Gotcha!" Ever the concerned brother, Keisuke got up, heedless of his friend's victory. "Look, Mister Dryden, there's something you ought to know about Nuriko." "Ruining my fun..." Nuriko grumbled, bracing for impact. "Oh? What about him?" Dryden looked up. Keisuke fell flat on his face. Dryden laughed a low, deep laugh. "I've been many places and seen many things," he said, gazing through his spectacles. "A little cross-dressing isn't going to faze me, especially when it's this lovely. Besides, the lady has already made it quite clear she'd like to be seen as a woman. So that's who she is." Nuriko squealed in delight. "Tell me you're for real!" she begged. But just as Dryden leaned in to SHOW her, a black cloak obscured the pair, and Xellos materialized between them and a dumbfounded Keisuke. "Shall we get to the mailbag?" he said. "After all, this being Ivana's second MST, there's some feedback from the first." * (As the crew files out the door, Xellos leans in and speaks directly to the readers.) XELLOS: Thanks for having us! And now, here's Lady Ivana herself...! (He disappears in a puff of smoke, leaving the lair empty again.) ** And now, Ivana's MALE-BAG... er, hrm, MAILBAG! ** Now, to be fair, the first mail I. got from my first MST (It's Two, Two, TWO MSTs in One!) was negative. I. was upset. And thus, I. deleted it. But the writer told me, in effect, that I. was being too harsh on the author simply because of her choice of partners for Yaten, and that it was all one big attack. After deleting the mail, I. reconsidered and decided that while the writer (a fellow lemon author) was entitled to his/her opinion, I. cannot possibly say how much I disagree. Besides, his/her lemons are about as hot as week-old tea, and I do not intend to take writing advice from that. Think you know who it is? Think again. That person may deep down want to B. Anonymous too. On to another letter... > Oh my gosh, that was SOO funny!!! I don't remembered when I > laughed that hard!!!!! I nearly died at all the jokes to Kurama > and Yaten, then Ami and Taiki, heck, even Taiki getting drugged!! > That was sooooo funny!!!! I read it a few times, and it's still > funny each time!! You are such a great writer!!! > Laughingly yours, > Sailor Slapstick Sailor Slapstick. Now there's a scary thought. Does she trip and fall even more than Sailor Moon does? In any case, I. had to drug Taiki to make him interesting... Try not to break your neck reading MSTs, dear. Thanks for the feedback and take care. >*LOL* Your fic's pretty funny. > >- - h i k a r u - - > And your writing's pretty concise. Thanks. >Dear Ivana... > >Your MST of an MST of a lemon was HILARIOUS!! I just wanted to drop >you a line to let you know that I think you did a *great* job! > Sora And these were my lucky letters three. However, I found someone who tried to MST my MST of the MST of that lemon... naturally, I wrote the MST of their MST of... well, you get the picture... but since it was never posted on A Sailor Moon Romance, I figured I'd keep it to myself. Besides, it was such a dreadful MST that you couldn't tell WHO was talking, and it was full of random Transformers in-jokes. Oh dear. Well, I'd better get these boys back to their bunks for the night. That is, except perhaps for Yaten or Xellos, whom I particularly feel like playing with this fine evening. Well, it's MY den of decadence. What did you expect? Parlor games? Much love, Ivana B. Anonymous *** THE END (for now...) *** "She started to rub the honey all over him and when she got to his tiny little chest she began pinching the nipples and kept on going while massaging his chest. She got to the hot dog in no time..." Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/ Before you buy.