Name: Amazoness Duo
E-mail address: amazonessduo@hotmail.com
Title: MST: Learning to Love
Rating: H-Hentai


This is a MST of the story "Learning to Love" by Adrian Tymes. The story
was written rather well, unlike a lot of stories lately. We just happened
to think that it would make a good MST. Now please sit back and relax. We
hope you enjoy our first MST. We don't own any of the characters in this
MST. The characters and plot of MST3K are owned by Bestbrains. All the 
characters from Sailormoon are owned by Naoko, DiC, and Kondansha. All
these characters are used without permission. We do not own them in
any way. Please don't sue us. We'd really love to hear what you people
think about it when your done, so please e-mail us at:
amazonessduo@hotmail.com

The Story thus far: Mike and the bots were being tormented by Pearl 
Forrester in her experiments. Finally, Mike got fed up and and decided to
do something about their predicament. When Tom mentioned that they could
build a time machine by seeing how time machines were made in Tom's comic
book collection. Mike (not entirely in the right frame of mind at the time)
thought that it was a great idea and told Tom to go get the comic books. 
Unfortunately, Tom was missing some of the Fantastic Four issues that had 
a time machine in them. So Tom and Crow stapled Fantastic Four covers on
evry comic they had that involved time travel and handed them over to Mike.
Mike proceeded to build the time machine out of pieces of the Satellite of
Love. After they had finished, they decided to put their plan into action. 
They were going to go back in time and have Mike quit while working for
Dr. Clayton Forrester as a temp. That's when things went freakishly wrong.
After starting up the time machine, they surged through time and space. 
They had arrived back on the SOL. They soon found out that rather than 
going back into the past themselves, they had pulled Joel, Dr. F. and Frank
into the future. Pearl was nowhere to be seen. Dr. F. quickly found out 
what was happening and did what he does best. Torture Joel with crappy 
multimedia. Now Joel, Mike, Tom, and Crow have to continue the experiments
with Dr. F. Dr. F. has begun using cambot to tape their exploits so he can
put them on television. People just think of them as actors, thanks to Dr.
F. and now he can merchandise off of them (Dr. F. has to have some source
of income). 

Mystery Science Theater 3000 Love Theme

Joel and Mike singing:
In the not too distant future,
Next Sunday, AD
There were two guys named Joel and Mike,
Not too different from you or me.
Wearing drab colored temp and janitor suits
They'd both worked at Gizmonic Institutes.
They were part of an experiment that was crude,
But if Tom hadn't lost that comic book,
Maybe they wouldn't be so screwed.

Dr. F. and Frank singing:
We'll send them crappy fanfics,
The worst ever made. (lalala)
Joel says when you've got lemons,
You make lemonade. (lalala)
Now keep in mind they can't control
When the movies begin or end (lalala)
Because Mike broke Joel's special repairs
When the time machine went into a freak spin.

Joel and Mike singing:
Robot Roll Call
Cambot (Don't hurt me!)
Gypsy (Hi Joel!)
Tom Servo (If only I hadn't lost that New Warriors issue!)
Crooow (Fantastic Four, moron!)

Dr. F. and Frank singing:
If you're wondering how they eat and breathe 
And "How do they work that cool device?" (lalala)
Just repeat to yourself "Gotta get my Visa card
And buy lots of MST3K merchandise
At Mystery Science Theater 3000!" 
Dr. Forrester: .com!

	"How are my little test subjects doing today?" asked Dr. Forrester
with mock politeness.
	"We're doing okay, sir. We just finished our invention for the 
invention exchange," said Joel.
	"Yippee...." Dr. F. said sarcastically.
	"You know how you always send us crappy fanfics?" asked Mike.
	"Oh, yes. I remember that quite well," replied Dr. F.
	"Well, I realized a little while ago that I'm not a 
technological genius. That's why the time machine didn't work like it was 
supposed to," said Mike.
	"That and that Tom gave him the wrong research material. And the 
fact that building a time machine from comic books is a bad idea in the
first place. And..." Joel was cut off.
	"Anyway, Joel on the other hand is a genius with inventions. So we
had him build the new time machine," said Mike. "So we'll be going back in
time before I got sent up here. Since Joel wound up escaping anyway, we'll
leave the bots with Joel's other self on earth."
	"What do you think, sirs?" asked Joel as he indicated his latest 
invention.
	"It's pretty good, Joel. If it hadn't been for my latest invention,
it would have worked perfectly." Dr. F. pulled out a remote control and 
pushed a sequence of buttons. The time machine disappeared before Mike,
Joel, Crow, or Tom could get on. "My invention's the time machine remote
control device. Now for today's experiment, I hope you enjoy it. Push the
button, Frank."
	"It was worth a shot," said Mike. Joel shrugged.
	"We've got fic sign!" yelled Joel.
	
*Joel, Tom, Crow, and Mike enter the theater. They sit down in the same
order with Joel on one end and Mike on the other to keep the bots in 
line.*

><wingcat@soca.com>

>Learning to Love

Crow: Hey! It might actually be a fic with emotions.
Mike: Dr F. sent it to us, Crow. I kinda doubt it.
Joel: Even if the fic doesn't have a soul, it could still be good.
Mike: Dr. F sent it to us, Joel. I kinda doubt it.

>Written by Adrian Tymes 

>[Legal disclaimer:

>This story is based on characters created by Naoko Takeuchi.  Permission
>is granted to freely distribute this story, so long as:

Joel: a: You vote for me for King of the world.
Tom: b: You kiss my multi-talented ass. 
Mike: And then your on your way to distributing the best story a mortal
has ever written.

>a: no recompense of financial value is received or given by the person who
>distributes the story, and

Tom: See it might be good if people are willing to pay for it. It's like 
the porno channel. People pay for stuff like that, because it's good.
Mike: And what would you know about the porn channel?
Crow: Well me and Servo here accidently stumbled upon it, completely 
against our will mind you...
Tom: While looking for something to riff....
Crow: Yeah!!!
*Flashback*
Crow: Quick, Servo! What Channel's the porn?!
Tom: *flipping through TV Guide* I'm looking...Just keep a look out for
Mike and Joel.
Crow: Yeah, but I like the porn...
*End Flashback*

>b: the distributed copy is identical to the story as originally authored.
>In other words, don't sell it, and don't alter it.

Crow: Does it count if you're altering it against your will?
Joel: That's Dr F.'s problem. We don't want to be here.
Mike: I hope it's our fault. Then we have to go to court. IE, off the SOL.
Crow: That would be a good thing, wouldn't it?

>Copyright (c) 1998, all rights reserved, et cetera.]

Tom: Hey, did anyone notice that Crow, Mike, and Joel each have 4
letters in the name?
*Everyone stares at Tom*

>******
>
>Twin melodies sung out from the music room, playfully counterpointing each
>other in perfect harmony.

Joel: See? No grammer errors. It's a well written sentence. After all of
the stuff Dr. F. sends us, that's probably the best sentence I've read
in a long time. *Joel rereads the sentence*
Mike: *ignoring Joel* So it's a Haruka and Michiru fic? Can do.

>It was difficult to tell whether the players
>were reacting to each others' leads, or just following some ancient score
>that only seemed to hint of spontaneous tease and desire.

Mike and Joel: *Singing* I've only got one burning desire, let me stand 
next to your fire.
Tom & Crow: *Stare at Mike & Joel*

>One moment, the
>violin would lay a series of notes that the pianist had no choice but to
>follow;

Mike: *Being pianist* Must follow against my will.
Joel: Kinda like the bots watching porno, eh?
Crow: Yeah, we didn't want to. But the remote wasn't working.
Joel: Then how come when Mike and I walked in, you guys were watching 
Sanford and Son?
Tom: You know I can't miss my Sanford and Son, Joel. We managed to fix the
remote just in time.
Mike: So that's what you guys were talking about when I heard Crow yelling 
'Change the channel Servo! They're coming!', to which I distincly remember
hearing Tom curse 'Holy crap!'.

> the next, the piano would offer tones that forced the violinist to
>shift octaves as fast as her fingers could move. 

Tom: And what deft fingers they were.

>Despite this give and
>take, there was not a hint of competition in the air, but rather the light
>banter of friends and lovers.

Joel: So, they were talking while they played?
Mike: I'm so confused!

>Slowly, hesitantly, a third instrument added itself.  A voice, speaking in
>no language but that of pure music, 

Tom: So they're not singing lyrics? They're just moaning and grunting to 
the music?
Crow: The moaning and grunting comes later.
Mike: I don't know..Hey, wait...
Joel: Croooow....

>trying to keep up with the piano and
>the violin but constantly falling a note or two behind.  

Joel: It's amateur night at the karaoke bar.

>The other
>melodies compensated briefly, then faded away to let the voice sing alone
>for some time before its owner realized she had been abandoned.

Tom: Left alone for dead in the forest. A comet came and killed the 
pianist and the mistro or whoever the hell the other person was got killed 
by a rampaging elephant.
Crow: ~Fin~
Joel: Feeling a little dark today, Servo?
Tom: Nothing but the darkest, Joel.

>Rei opened her eyes, and blushed crimson under Haruka's and Michiru's
>amused stared.

Crow: Oh, so it was Rei, Haruka, and Michiru. I thought it was the car 
from Knight Rider with Heimlich and Bob.

>  "Sorry.  I just...it sounded so beautiful, and I wanted to
>join in..."

>Haruka chuckled.  "What were you singing to, once we weren't playing?
>We've never played that for anyone but each other."

Crow: *As Haruka* More importantly, how the hell did you get in here?
Tom: *As Michiru* We need a better lock.
Joel: *As Rei* I kicked the door in.

>"I...well, I...are you sure you've never played it?  

Tom: *As Michiru* Let me check. *gets vacant look for a couple minutes*
Oh, sorry. We have played it before. Can you still get out of
my house though?

>Near the end, I could
>almost swear I'd heard that tune before."

Tom: It sounded so familiar....
Joel and Mike: *singing again* I wish I were an Oscarmeiyer weiner! That
is what I'd really like to be.
Crow: If they sing one more time.. I think I'll have to kill them.
Tom: I'll help bury the bodies.
Crow: Thanks, Servo.

>"Not from us.  I've only heard it in my heart, and from my heart."

Joel: Kinda like the voices in my head.
Mike: Your voices sing too? I thought that was only me.
Tom: Hey, if anyone should be hearing voices, it should be me and
Crow. We've been up here for 10 years where as you two have been
up for about 5 each.
Mike: Tell that to the voices.

>Michiru set her instrument down, and looped one arm around Haruka.  "Maybe
>your heart carries the same song?"

Crow: Isn't it more romantic if only Haruka & Michiru know the song?
Mike: Dr. F. sent it so the beginning part is probably about as romantic
as it gets.

>Rei's lips smiled, but her eyes failed to follow suit.

Tom: So Rei's eyes didn't have the smiley's in them like Ann and Ail do?
Joel: For reference check out the beginning of Sailormoon R and check
out Ann and Ail's eyes.
Crow: It sure looks like their smiling at you... It freaks me out.

>"But that is not why you are here.  Tell me, what brings you to our home
>this morning?"

>"I...err, that is..."  Rei glanced at her toes.  "Usagineedshelp."

Mike: CrowandTomwatchporno.
Joel: Forrester'sanevilSOB.
Crow: LiesNelsonLies.
Tom: WewerewatchingSanford&son.

>Michiru slid her arm off of Haruka, letting her partner stand up.  "Is
>Princess Serenity in danger?"

Tom: Wouldn't they have said "Is the princess in trouble" or "Is Usagi
in trouble"? They never call her Princess Serenity!
Joel: Calm down, Tom. 
Crow: I agree with Tom. Whoa, look at the time. I think it's break time.
Mike: Okay. Let's go. 

*They all get up and walk out of the theater* 

Joel, Tom, and Crow were debating how many Sailormoon girls the Amazoness
Duo are going to wind up making gay.<shameless plug>^^
	"I'm telling you guys. Some of them will be straight," argued 
Joel.
	"They're not gonna stop until all the girls are gay, Joel. And 
you know what? I like it," replied Crow.
	"I wholeheartedly agree with Crow on this one, Robinson," added 
Tom.
	Mike walked into the room holding a FedEx box. "Hey, guys. 
There's a box here for a certain Mr. Tom S. Crow esquire. Now who
could that be?"
	"It's ours. Give it to us, Nelson," said Crow.
	"Now what could be in it?" Mike shook the box.
	Tom lets loose an inhuman scream and jumped Mike. They both 
tumbled to the floor. Mike tossed Tom aside and opened the box despite
Crow's protest. Mike and Joel looked at the issues of Lunatic Party
that had been in the box.
	"They must have mixed our order. These aren't our Sanford and 
Son posters," said Tom. Tom and Crow quickly picked up the issues of 
Lunatic Party and started to leave, still complaing about their 
supposed mixed up order. Joel and Mike stared at each other. Mike 
shrugged and decided to let them get away with it.
	
	"They never suspected a thing," said Crow as they stashed the
Lunatic Party in their rooms. 
	"Well, they would have if it hadn't been for our sly
recovery," said Tom.
	"We've got Fic sign!!" they heard Joel yell.

*They all enter the theater and take their seats.*

Tom: Well, we're back on the merry train ride to hell...

>Rei snapped out of her trance.  "What?  Oh, no, nothing like that."

Crow: What was happening before we left? I'm lost.
Mike: Rei said that Usagineedshelp and then Haruka & Michiru said 
something and then Tom got pissed and then we left.
Crow: Oh yeah. Thanks, Mike.
Mike: Anytime, Crow.

>Both outer senshi relaxed.  "Then, what is the problem?"

Joel: *as Haruka* And why'd you have to kick the door in? You could
have knocked.

>"Well...she..."

Tom: *As Rei* got kicked in the head by a horse and I don't know first 
aid.
Joel: Tom....

>Rei took a deep breath and closed her eyes.  "Yesterday,
>Usagi came to me and asked me to teach her how to make love.

Joel: *As Rei* I told her it involved two cups of sugar and canola oil,
but something tells me I'm wrong....

>I told her I
>was busy, but in truth, I didn't know myself.

Mike: Well, I think we all know where the plot's going from here..
Crow: Oh boy! I hope I'm right..
Tom: Hot dog!
Joel: You little pervs... 

>I told her to come back
>tonight, and I was hoping you could teach me before then."

Crow: Yippee!!!
Tom: *as Rei* I was hoping you guys could give me a crash course for
tonight.
Joel: *as Rei* So I came here to see the two of you thinking that you 
could innocently help me. The thought hadn't crossed my mind that the
two of you, though romantically involved, will conveniently forget about 
that and show me firsthand how things work.
Crow: Yippee!!!
Tom: Hot dog!

>Michiru raised an eyebrow.  "I see.  Why us, and not any of the others?
>You know Ami, Minako, and Makoto better than you know us."

Joel: Yeah, but saying this is right after Stars, it's very unlikely that
any of them have had sex yet seeing as none of them had a steady boyfriend..
Crow: Or girlfriend. Don't forget girlfriend.
Mike: *as Rei* So I bet all my money on the two of you. Please say Michiru 
wasn't joking with all of those sexual innuendoes...

>"Yes, but Usagi thought they could only teach her how to have sex...that
>they'd miss the spiritual aspect that makes sex different than love.

Joel: She probably didn't ask them because they didn't know. On the other 
hand, Rei has lived with a lecherous old man, so she might know a little
about how things work.

>That's why she came to me...and, frankly, I agree with her.  Setsuna's
>not easy to find, and Hotaru is...well...young."

Tom: Well, Hotaru does get pretty rowdy with ChibiUsa, so she might not 
be a bad choice.

>Haruka chuckled.  "Hotaru isn't as young as you might think."

Crow: Yeah, she does have a girlfriend.
Joel: I think that's a different fic, Crow.
Tom: And the manga and some pretty convincing scenes in the anime.
Mike: *Leans over to whack Tom and Crow* Knock it off, B1 and B2.

>"Even so," Michiru continued, "we will help you."

>Rei's eyes snapped open.  "You will?"

Joel and Mike: *singing* Knock, Knock, Knocking on heaven's door...
Crow: And how does that apply?

>"Yes.  We will show you what it is like to be made love to, that you may
>pass this knowledge on to Usagi."

Joel: Can't they just draw a diagram or something? You know, tell her how
it works instead of going all the way?
Tom: That takes all the fun out of it, Joel.

>Rei's eyes opened further, but her heart caught in her throat, making
>speech impossible.

Mike: Then she died from lack of air. The end!
Tom: We want to read what happens, Nelson.
Crow: Yeah. The good stuff hasn't even started yet.
Joel: *looks over at Mike* Do you ever feel like the voice of reason in a
world gone mad?
Mike: On a day to day basis.

>She stood, like a deer caught in headlights,

*Joel and Mike make honking sounds*
*Crow makes a thumping sound*
*Tom makes a deer crushed under an 18 wheeler sound*

>while Haruka and Michiru approached.

>"Don't be afraid, dear Rei," Michiru whispered in her ear before licking
>it.  "If you fear, you will not learn."

Mike: *As Mr. Miyagi* If you fear, Daniel-san, you will not learn.
Crow: *hits Mike* That was a mental image I could have done without.
Joel: OhgodI'mnautious...
Tom: *Get's bad mental image of Daniel and the old guy from Karate Kid*
*Head explodes*

>Despite the advice, Rei's mind locked itself in a state of shock as Haruka
>slowly but surely unbuttoned Rei's blouse and eased it off of her,
>sensuously caressing Rei's arms as she guided the garment off.

Tom: *While Joel trys to screw on a new head* Tell me what's happening, my
seeing eye Crow!
Crow: *Reads the sentence for Tom*
Tom: Woohoo! Now we're getting to the good stuff!

>Michiru
>stroked Rei's hair and massaged Rei's shoulders while Haruka removed the
>rest of Rei's clothing.

Mike: Now I wonder which is the author's favorite out of Haruka & Michiru?
Crow: Probably Rei.
Joel: *screws a new head on Tom*

>She came out

Crow: And told the senshi. There was much rejoicing.
Tom, Mike, and Joel: Yay!!!! 

>of it with a gasp when Haruka nibbled her right breast.  As
>she became aware of herself again,

Joel: It was an out of body experience....
Tom: *Petty golf clap* That was a stinger, Joel.

>she felt her tension drain away into
>Michiru's persistent rubs and kisses all over her upper body.

Mike: Okay, so she came to get help for Usagi and now Haruka & Michiru
are having sex with her. She's just going to relax while they have their
way with her?
Crow: Hey! Why didn't Usagi just go to Haruka and Michiru then?
*Everyone looks at eachother*
Tom: Yeah, why not?

>She
>instinctively tried to stiffen again when Haruka's mouth descended towards
>her nether regions, but Michiru would not allow it.

Joel: There is no way Michiru is going to let Rei stiffen when her lover
is about to bang Rei.

> Haruka paused at her
>belly button, then slid down until Haruka's jaw brushed her clitoris.
>After kissing just above that spot as if afraid to go lower without
>tactile proof of the feature's existence,

Tom: *as Picard* Is it there, or is it not, Commander Worf?
Crow: *as Worf* I'm just not sure, Captain. We're getting odd
readings.
Joel: *as Data* We're beginning a class one scan now. 

>Haruka licked, then nibbled,
>then sucked on the protrusion before sliding down even further.

>And then she was in.

Joel: In where?
Crow: Jurrasic Park?
Tom: Oklahoma?
Mike and Joel: *singing* In the land down under...

>Rei had never had anything, even her own fingers, inside her vagina
>before.  Haruka's rough tongue sent jolts of pleasure wherever it wagged,

Tom: Why does a dog wag it's tail?
Mike: Because a dog is smarter than it's tail. If the tail was smarter,
it would wag the dog.

>finally overcoming her reluctance-

>"Papa?  Mama?  What are you doing to Rei?"

Crow: *as Haruka* Giving Rei mindblowing se.. mmphh
Joel: *covering Crow's mouth* Crooow....

>Three pairs of eyes turned towards Hotaru, who returned their surprise
>with neutral curiosity.

>Rei spoke first.  "It's not what it looks like..."

Mike: *as Rei* I'm not even really here.

>"Actually, it is."  Michiru smiled.  "We were meaning to tell you about
>this soon, and now is a perfect opportunity."

Joel: What a great way to teach the girl you raised about sex. While you 
and your girlfriend are doing another girl. 
Mike: Obviously this author is high on moral values.
Joel: He's high on something.

>"You mean, Rei's going to be my mama too?"

Tom: Uh Oh. If she's young enough to think like that she shouldn't be 
seeing this.
Crow: If she's that young, I shouldn't be seeing this. No kiddie porn,
Joel! Let's go back, please?
Joel: If it were my choice, we wouldn't be here.
Mike: Ha! I told you guys that if Dr. F. sent it it couldn't be
good.

>Michiru blinked.  "No...why do you say that?"

>"I've only seen papa do that to you, mama.  I thought papa was trying to
>make Rei another mama.  Didn't papa do that to Setsuna to make her a
>mama?"

Tom: *as Haruka* You weren't supposed to see that.

>Haruka flushed. 

Joel: So Haruka is embaressed about Hotaru thinking she had sex with 
Setsuna even though Hotaru is seeing her have sex with Rei?
Mike: That about sums it up.

> "No, no.  What we were doing was showing Rei what two
>adults do when they want to please each other."

Mike: Look what morals they're teaching Hotaru. Shouldn't it be 'What
two adults do when they love each other'?
Joel: There is no love in this fic, Mike.
Crow: I can deal with that. Hell, I can even sit back and enjoy that, 
but kiddie porn is where I draw the line.
Tom: Yeah, but what are you going to do about it?
Crow: *Grumbles* Sit back and read the damn fic......

>Rei was stiff again.  "You've...seen them?"

>"Oh, yeah.  Mama and papa do that every-"

>"That's enough, Hotaru."  Michiru, while not showing as many symptoms as
>Rei, was just as surprised.  

Joel: I'd be a bit more embaressed about Hotaru seeing me have sex with 
Rei than with the girl I'm supposed to be in love with.
Tom: Wait...So she's used to this girl-girl stuff, right? She'll get
with ChibiUsa soon enough.
Mike: Yay!

>"Listen, we've been trying to teach Rei, so
>she can pass on the knowledge.  Would you like to help Rei practice?"

Crow: *as Michiru* Would you like a piece of Rei's ass? Her bootie's got 
it going on..

>"Sure."  Hotaru advanced on Rei, taking her hand and guiding her to the
>floor.  After turning Rei face up and climbing on top of the still-stunned
>senshi,

Joel: Rei stunned is like any normal person in a coma.

> Hotaru plunged face first into the same crevice Haruka had
>explored only minutes earlier.

Tom: She learned mountain climbing from Haruka. Hopefully she won't hit
the bottom face first.
Mike: And then she snapped her...
Crow: Don't finish that, Nelson.
Joel: Aren't Mike and I the ones who are supposed to say that?

>The new attack felt identical to Haruka's, although more exaggerated and
>enthusiastic.  Rei quickly regained her mind under Hotaru's ministrations,

Crow: That's new. I thought Rei was just going to sit there in a drunken 
stupor.
Tom: The plot's taking twists and turns I never thought possible. It's 
like a speeding car with a body in the trunk on a mountain road late at 
night that doesn't see the danger signs and goes off the edge.
Crow: Please say that's the author in the trunk.

>and saw her new partner's rear end wiggling over her breasts as Hotaru put
>her entire body into her labors.

Mike: Tell me this isn't happening....
Crow: I don't like this...
Tom: The way Hotaru's been acting, she's probably anywhere between 6-9 at 
the oldest.
Joel: Break time! 
Mike: And the people rejoiced.
All: Yay!!!!

*They get up and leave the theater*


In the main room aboard the SOL, Tom and Crow are preparing a 
demonstration.
	"We're here to show that Hotaru can't be old enough to be in this
hentai fic," said Crow.
	"Or in other words, that Dr. F. should just let us stop reading 
here and now and we'll riff something later," said Tom.
	"To start off, we have my life size cardboard cutout of Sailor 
Mars. Throughout the series of Sailormoon, Rei is supposed to be about
5'3" in height," Crow began.
	Tom pulled out a magic marker and drew a line at Rei's breast 
level. Tom continued, "Now we don't know how tall Hotaru is supposed to 
be but the smallest teenager we see around Rei is Usagi and she's about
4'9". That is still well above the height that Hotaru is in the fic."
	"Now Hotaru may grow up to be a bit smaller than Usagi, but still,
she should be somewhere near that height if she is at least 13. From my
research with Dr. Servo here, we have determined that ChibiUsa will grow
up to be very slightly smaller than Usagi, if ChibiUsa grows up to be
as tall as Black Lady. Now from pics of Hotaru from Stars with ChibiUsa,
Hotaru is about the same size if not a little taller than her," explained
Crow.
	"Wait, you're confusing me," said Mike.
	"Good," said Tom. "So, in conclusion, Hotaru is probably 8-11 in 
this story. Older than we originally thought, but still...kiddie porn."
	"So, will you let us stop with the story Dr. F.?" Crow asked. 
They all looked at the monitor.
	"Hmmm.... No, I don't think I will," Dr. Forrester replied.
	"Why not?" asked Crow.
	"Because I think it might drive you insane," Dr. F. said with a 
manic gleam in his eyes. "Have fun Lucy and Ethel."
	"Who's Lucy and Ethel? Mike and I or Tom and Crow?" asked Joel.
	"We'll find out later. We have fic sign!" yelled Mike.
*They all walked back into the theater. Tom and Crow switched seats. Mike 
and Joel switched seats after them.*

>*Practice?  Ok...*

Crow: Where..Nevermind.
Mike: Kiddie porno...
Crow: I said nevermind...

>Suddenly, Rei grabbed Hotaru and pulled the smaller one up her body.
>Before Hotaru could protest, Rei flipped up Hotaru's skirt, pushed aside
>Hotaru's panties with her fingers, and started her own assault on Hotaru's
>crotch.

Tom: Since they were anime characters, the lack of pubic hair didn't make
Rei realize she was having sex with a kid. The size difference should have
been a big hint, but Rei was high on the same thing as the author.

>Hotaru gasped in pleasure, and squeezed her legs around Rei's neck. 

Mike: Choking her to death in the...Hey, aren't you guys gonna stop me?
Tom: Last time it was about Hotaru.
Crow: And this time it would end the kiddie porn.
Joel: Be as dark as you like.

>Again
>putting her entire body into the act, she tried to pump Rei's tongue, as
>if it were the sex organ of the opposite gender.

Joel: This fic is full of musical instruments.
Crow: What are you talking about?
Joel: The organ. It's kind of like a piano.
Crow: Ohhhh....

>Rei lost track of time, only noticing when Hotaru finally reached up with
>her hands and started using her fingers to pleasure Rei where her mouth
>could no longer reach.

Tom: Another sign that she was too young to be doing this.

>All too soon, though, Haruka and Michiru pulled
>Hotaru off.

Joel: I didn't know Hotaru would "get off" so easily.
Mike: Joooel.

>"Hotaru, just how long have you been watching us?

Crow: Shouldn't they have asked her that _before_ they let her have her
way with Rei?

>You've done everything we did a year ago."

Tom: So they know exactly what they did 1 year ago?
Joel: They must try new things a lot if that sticks out.

>"Well...you never said I couldn't watch..."

Mike: That's just one of those things, though. 'Uh Oh, Haruka & 
Michiru are acting like crazy nymphos. I should be going, now.'
Joel: I know. I wouldn't want the bots watching me if I ever got
off this god-forsaken Satellite.
Crow: Wishful thinking. I wouldn't want to watch, Robinson.
Tom: Bad mental image of Joel... *Head explodes*


>"The door was closed."

Mike: *as Hotaru thinking quickly* Ummm...You never said I couldn't 
open the door.
Joel: *screwing another new head onto Tom*
Tom: Don't worry about it, Joel. Somehow, I don't think I want to see
the rest of the fic.

>"The keyhole wasn't.  And the door was not always closed."

Mike: *as Hotaru* It wasn't always closed when I opened it.
Joel: Hotaru goes to great lengths to see the two of them at it.

>Rei lay perfectly still, aware of her own body like she had never been
>before, as the family's discussion faded into the distance as they walked
>away.

Mike and Joel: *singing* My daddy gave me a name, then he walked away!
Crow: *Looking for a shovel* 
Tom: Good idea. We can kill and then bury them with it. A multi-purpose 
tool.
Joel: Did you guys say something?
Crow: Not a thing, Joel.

>"Rei?"

Mike: Here we go again.
Joel: Hopefully this one won't be a kid.
Crow: Yippee!!!
Tom: Hot dog!

>She gulped.  Her senses had been too self-oriented just then; she had not
>even heard the newcomer approach.

Joel and Mike: *singing* Do you hear me? Do you care?
Crow: Shut up!! Just shut up!!!!
Mike: Geez, we didn't know you hated our singing so much.
Joel: You could have just told us.
Tom: Okay. I hate your singing and I will kill you if I have to hear it 
again.
Joel: I was thinking something more along the lines of 'could you please
lessen your singing so as Crow and I have some more bits of riffing', but 
I guess that works, Servo.

>  "Ami?"

Joel: *As Rei* Do you have any Grey Poupon?

>"What do you mean, I don't know the difference between sex and love?  Of
>course I know the difference."

Tom: *as Ami* Sex is when two people do the wild trollip. Love is where 
two people connect at a geopollythic level that trancends boundaries 
placed both upon themselves and by themselves.
Mike: Do you have any idea what you're talking about?
Tom: Not really. It just sounded good.
Crow: No. No it didn't.

>"What are you doing here?"

Joel: *As Ami* I was seeing if Haruka & Michiru have any Grey Poupon.

>"I was tutoring Hotaru when you walked in.  We could not help but hear
>your discussion.

Tom: Meaning: I was eavesdropping around the corner and it pisses me off 
that you don't think I know what love is. I'll show you. I'm going to
love you, dammit.

>When we saw what was happening, I stayed out of sight."

Joel: *as Trumpy* Mmmmm, potatos...
Mike, Tom, and Crow: *stare at Joel oddly*
Joel: Sorry, guys. Bad flashback from an old movie we riffed. I didn't
know where I was for a couple seconds.

>"You watched us?"
>"I was curious.  You've never had sex, have you?"
>Rei blinked.  "Why do you ask?"

Crow: She's lying there naked after Ami saw her having sex and she
just goes on like they're having a normal conversation.
Mike: That is weird, isn't it. But then again she did go to Haruka & 
Michiru's place just to get screwed to learn love.

>"It didn't look like it.  Look, I don't know what you meant by my not
knowing how to make love, but I do know that sex is part of it.  If you
want to teach Usagi, you'll have to know some techniques."

Joel: And why would Ami know any techniques?
Crow: Because of her girlfriend, Makoto.
Mike: Makoto's not her girlfriend.
Crow: She should be.

>"Look, Ami, I-YI!"

Tom: Ami bit Rei? Why, Joel, why? It's just senseless...
Joel: Maybe she didn't bite Rei.
Tom: Yeah, right. Then what did she do?

>Fireworks of pleasure went off in response to Ami's quick movements.  The
>senshi of ice touched many specific points in rapid succession, leaving
>Rei with no choice but to let it happen.

Tom: Okay, she didn't bite Rei. She's raping Rei.
Mike: This fic instills high moral values in today's youths.
Crow: Sure thing, Mike. The story's getting better, though.

>"And don't forget here, and here, and...you really are a virgin.  I'll
>have to get rid of your hymen, hold on..."

Joel: I think we've all learned a valuable lessen today.
Mike, Crow, and Tom: Stay away from Ami.
Crow: She's dangerous.

>"What do you AYP!"  Pain abruptly mixed with her other sensations.  Part
>of Rei's mind tried to track Ami's gestures, recording every single nerve
>she touched, but it was too much, too fast.

Mike: It's all going too fast!
Tom: Just enjoy the ride.
Joel: That's all too appropriate, Tom.

>"...and there, and there.  Now, that's just for starters, but it will do
>for now.  Remember them for Usagi, ok?  

Crow: And where did Ami learn all this? "Pressure points for dummies"?
Joel: No. Probably the one for advanced learners.

>I'd better rescue Hotaru from the
>inquisition now."  Although her eyes never looked in Ami's direction, Rei
>did hear her leave.

Tom: That's Rei and her superkeen senses for you.

>Minutes later, Rei caught her breath enough to sit up.  Still in a mental
>fog and halfway to orgasm,

Crow: Rei's gone through three girls and she's only halfway there?
Joel: Whoever she get's with is gonna have to have a very high endurance 
level.
Tom: You mean her girlfriend will need a very high endurance level, don't
you, Joel.
Joel: Sure, Servo.

>she absently noted a small puddle of her own
>juices and blood that had collected on the floor near her vagina.  She
>only stood up when a hand came out of nowhere to help her up.

>"Hello, Rei."

Tom: It's Death!! He's come to rescue us by ending Rei!
Joel: No. Even in the case that it is Death, we'd still have to read 
everyone Rei has sex with in the afterlife.

>"Setsuna?  I know you're not supposed to abuse your powers over time, but
>I think these two questions are very important to the time stream.  One:
>is anybody else watching that I don't know about?"

Mike: *As Setsuna* Yes. All of the T*A schoolgirls are watching and 
Makoto's video taping you for her porn collection.
Tom: Out of curiosity, do you or Joel happen to have any hentai videos you
may have stashed away somewhere?
Mike: Why do you ask?
Tom: No good reason.

>"No.  We are alone, for the moment."

Tom: Yeah. You still have...*thinks for a moment* Makoto and Minako before
you're done. That's not counting if she throws ChibiUsa in.
Crow: No! She's even younger than Hotaru. No more kiddie porn!

>"Two: What happened to the shy and reserved Ami I knew?"

Joel: What the hell does that have to do with the time stream?
Mike: Just in case Ami got kidnapped and replaced by evil alternate Ami.

>"She is reserved about expressing her emotions.  Mechanical help is
>different in her mind. 

Mike: Just smile and nod, everybody.
All: *Smiles and nods*

> Has she ever been shy in helping you with math homework?"
>"Making love is not math."
>"Would you honestly call what she just did 'making love'?"

Tom: She's got you there, Rei.

>"Point taken."
>"One day, under your guidance,

Crow: Wow. I didn't know Rei had to help everybody with their sex lives.
Thinking about it, that wouldn't be a bad job to have....

>Ami will discover the true power of love,
>instead of constantly hiding from it.

Joel: Since when did she hide from it? She's incredibly shy, but she's not 
always hiding from love. She and Uwara went out once and she wrote the 
lyrics to that one guy's computer song in SuperS.
Tom: Maybe the author's been passing around whatever he's high on and 
Setsuna got ahold of it.
Mike: That's about as good an explanation as we're gonna get.

>When that happens, she will become
>a warrior without equal...for a while.  But that is a story for another
>time.  Tonight will be a very important night for Usagi, and despite what
>you think, Minako and Makoto can help you prepare for it."

Tom: Wasn't I right? I told you guys she had to go through Makoto and 
Minako before we're released.
Mike: *petty golf clap* I'm so glad you were right..
Tom: Well, Joel's impressed.
Joel: Uhh, sure....

>Rei thought she asked "How?", but never heard her own voice as she was
>sucked through Pluto's time gate.

******

>She instantly recognized Makoto's apartment on landing, and from the clock
>on the wall, realized that Pluto had sent her forward six hours.

Crow: Rei's having quite a busy day.

>She also
>noticed that Pluto had forgotten to send Rei's clothes with her.

Mike: She also noticed that she had a light coat of whip cream and that
there was a bottle of chocolate sauce by her.
Joel: Miiike....
Mike: Sorry, I've been up here around Tom and Crow too long.
Crow: Yeah. Servo's a bad influence.

>Rei thought she heard a dog lapping up water in the apartment.  Distinctly
>aware that Makoto kept no pets, she tiptoed towards the source, wondering
>if it was Luna or Artemis.

Tom: I wonder what it could be?
Crow: Makoto lapping up...
Joel: *Stares at Crow*
Crow: the last of the soup. Honestly, that's what I was gonna say. You
have a dirty mind, Joel. 

>Makoto lay spaced out and half undressed on her bed, while Minako ground a
>dildo into her vagina with exaggerated caution, licking the device and
>her flesh every so often, while tracing an intricate pattern on her upper
>torso with one hand.

Crow: Yippee!!!
Tom: Hot dog!
Joel: I just want to know what brought Minako & Makoto to that point.
Mike: Seeing as how this story works, they probably just wanted to 
explore anatomy.

>Neither one seemed aware of Rei's presence, even
>though she was in both of their fields of view.

Joel: Much like Ebenezer Scrooge had to face his past, present, and future
by viewing it, Rei had to face the horrors of sex without being seen.

>As Rei entered the room, she heard occasional whimpers and soft moans from
>Makoto's throat.  This, above all, went against what little she had
>gleaned about sex from accidentally seeing pieces of her grandfather's
>videos:

Crow: Since all of the videos she'd seen were cheap 70's porn, everyone 
had an afro in them. For some reason, neither Minako or Makoto had an
afro. This confused Rei.
Tom: Isn't that a coincidence? Rei accidently saw that just like Crow
and I did.
Mike and Joel: *Stare at Tom unconvinced*

>although Makoto seemed to be intensely enjoying Minako's
>attentions, Makoto seemed to feel no need to let Minako know.

Mike: Rei's mind was boggled by this.

>Before long, Makoto stiffened, jerked a few times, groaned loudly once,
>then went limp.  Her eyes closed during the process, then slowly opened -
>then snapped wide open.  "REI?!?  Wh...How did you get in?"

Joel: *as Rei* I kicked the door in. I'm getting really good at that. It's
a good way to vent your frustrations.
Tom: *as Minako* It's not what you think.
Mike: Denial is policy.

>Rei abruptly became aware of her own presence. 

Crow: Another one of those out of body experiences.

> "Pluto let me in, and she didn't use the door."

Joel: *as Rei stoned* I think we walked through the wall...I'm not sure...

>"I...that is..."
>"Don't worry, I won't tell anyone."

>Makoto let out a breath.  "Thank you."

Mike: Even though the rest of the senshi seem to be gay, anyway.
Tom: For some reason, I don't think she has to worry about it.

>"But I don't think you have to worry about it. 

Tom: I'm psychic! Next an edsel's going to pull up in front of Makoto's 
apartment and out step Makoto's parent's.
Joel: Tom, are you sure you think that's going to happen.
Tom: Yep. I'm on a roll.

> The others would never hold it against you. 

Tom: No!!!
Joel: It's okay, Servo. You got one out of two. That's pretty good.

>Anyway, Pluto said you could help me GYA!"

Mike: What's she saying?
Crow: I think she was saying "Anyway, Pluto said you could help me 
gay." They just pressed caps lock, misspelld it, and put an
exclamation mark.
Mike: But, that still doesn't make sense.
Crow: It would if you were as smart as Dr. Servo and I.
Mike: What do you two have your phd's in anyway? Pornology?
Tom: You wouldn't understand, you simple-minded buffoon.

>She
>stumbled and fell forward, landing torso first next to Makoto, when Minako
>inserted the dildo into her.

Crow: Minako's at the ready with that thing, ready to put it any and 
everywhere.
Tom: That's frightening.
Joel and Mike: *Cross their legs*
Crow: What's wrong, Mike?
Mike: If you were human, you'd know.

>"Minako!"

Mike: Where's the love?
Joel: This is more like 'Can't we all just get along?'
Crow: I don't know Joel. I think it's more like 'Can't we all just
screw Rei?'

>"No, that's okay.  This UNH is what I needed..."
>Makoto cocked her head and looked at Rei.
>"Long story.  Tell you more later.  Just...don't...stop..."

Tom: *as Rei* Just...do...it..."
Mike: I didn't know Rei's a spokesperson for Nike.
Tom: No, but that would make an interesting commercial.
Crow: I know I'd watch it.

>Shrugging at the promise of an explanation, Makoto began tracing the
>curves of Rei's body, feeling Rei's goose bumps every time Minako's toy
>pushed especially deep into Rei.

>Once again, Rei lost track of time,

Joel: Somebody needs to buy her a watch. She's probably worse with time 
than Usagi.

>losing herself instead to pleasure.
>She responded unconditionally

Mike: Though she should have had at least a verbal agreement on what they 
could and couldn't do.
Tom: Then if she got hurt during this, she could hire the law offices of
T. Servo and Crow to help her in court for emotional and physical damage.

>to her friends, latching on to whatever part
>of Minako's body presented itself after Minako and Makoto traded
>positions.

>However, no matter how much the others responded to her, something within
>Rei snagged, sticking her joy to a certain plateau. 

Tom: They all jumped off the plateau towards their gruesome deaths. Little
did they know that Mamoru was sightseeing that day, so he was crushed under 
their falling bodys. 
Mike: Okay... *whispering to Joel* You think maybe we should take him
apart after this and see what's wrong wiht him?
Joel: He's not like this everyday.

>Every time she tried
>to will herself to greater heights, a reservation near the heart of her
>inner fire kept her from ascending. 

Joel: I was wrong. Whoever gets with Rei has to have android-like stamina.
Tom: Like me, Joel?
Mike and Joel: *Stare at Tom a moment before they burst out laughing*
Crow: Stupid. They were talking about me.

>Her heart pleaded to be with...who?

Mike: Unazuki?
Tom: Kotono?
Crow: Usagi?
Joel: Setsuna?
Mike, Tom, and Crow: What?!
Joel: *sheepishly* Nevermind.

>What little concentration Rei had, went in circles trying to answer that
>question.  It was driving her crazy, even more so than her friends'
>attentions.

>"Ahem."  All three looked up when Setsuna interrupted their proceedings.
>"Much as I hate to interrupt, Rei, you were sent here to learn.  Look at
>the clock."

Crow: Everyone in this story is into voyeurism.
Tom: Yeah... *absentmindedly* porno channel...
Joel: What, Tom?
Tom: I said ... Sonny Bono..used to wear flannel... *nervous laugh*
Joel: Oh, okay. 

>Rei did as requested, and gasped.  "It's eleven o' clock!  Usagi's been
>waiting for me for hours!"

>"Do not worry.  Remember, time is my servant.

Tom: *as Wadsworth* Yes, well Fritz is my servant. Isn't that right, Fritz?
Crow: *as Fritz* Yesh, Wadshworfh....
Joel: Don't ask...

>But, what you needed here
>was an object lesson.  How many times have you come?"

Mike: to my house.
Joel: to the store.
Crow: to Area 51.
Tom: *With a thick Irish accent* to the land of the wee folk.

>"Huh?"
>Makoto blinked.  "I was wondering about that.  I thought I would have felt
>it if you had, but I haven't felt anything."
>"What's...'come'?"

Joel: Anybody here besides me think that Rei was definitely the wrong one 
for Usagi to have gone to?
Mike: Definitely.
Tom: Well it was Usagi, so you can't expect the best decision making.
Crow: Yeah, but Hotaru's a kid in this and she know's more about sex than
Rei does. Usagi could have blindly picked one and done better than Rei.

>Setsuna smiled.  "Stand up and come here.  Now, close your eyes, and
>imagine I am Usagi."

>"Pardon?"

Joel: But do you have any Grey Pou...
Crow: *covers Joel's mouth* Joooel.

>Setsuna pulled Rei off the bed, into a standing position.  "Close your
>eyes, and think of me as Usagi."

>Rei lowered her eyelids, switching her vision to her mind's eye.

Tom: Rei's a Vulcan?
Mike: That explains how she's not emotionally troubled about everything
that's been happening.
Joel: I thought she was just still in shock.
Crow: She's been in shock the whole fic?
Mike: Nope. She was stoned the first half of the fic. Then when she
understood what was going on, she went into shock for the second half.
Tom: No, you got that wrong. The whole fic's been in shock. Rei's just 
along for the ride.
Crow: Kind of like us.

>"Rei."

All: Yes?

>Rei intellectually knew it was Setsuna's voice copying Usagi's, 

Mike: But since she was still in shock, she thought it was Usagi for
a minute.

>and doing a good job. 

Joel: Actually, doing a good job isn't all it's cracked up to be. Remember
the early lyrics? "He did a good job cleaning up the place, but his 
bosses didn't like him, so they shot him into space." 
Mike: What about me? "They hired a temp by the name of Mike, just a 
regular joe they didn't like." Then they conked me on the head and shot
me up here.
Crow: Yeah, but you were just the replacement Joel, Mike.
Tom: The only reason Foresster sent you up here was because Gypsy sent
Joel away.
Joel: What's that all about?
Mike: For the first couple of days I was up here, the bots kept calling 
me replacement Joel since that's what they said I was supposed to be. 
They said my job was to keep an eye on them and to not be as funny as 
they are.
Joel: *Looking at the bots* And what's that supposed to mean?
Crow: Well, that's your job, isn't it?

>But her heart desired more.
>Open lips brushed hers...and Rei found herself kissing back with all the
>passion she could muster.  Hidden desire welled to the surface, locking
>Rei's mind in her own brain, only feeling, hearing, and tasting as her
>body responded.  A finger brushed across her juice-slick vagina, and Rei's
>reservation melted into sheer, obedient, orgasmic bliss.

Mike: Let's see how many women Rei had to go through. Haruka and Michiru.
Joel: Hotaru and then Ami.
Tom: Trigger happy Minako and Makoto.
Crow: And finally Setsuna. Seven girls.
All: Whoa....
Crow: Took her long enough.
Mike: So, whoever Rei gets with will have to have the stamina of seven
women?

>When it was over, Rei sagged in Setsuna's grip.  "What...was...that?" she
>panted.

>"All you needed to know.  Get dressed,

Crow: Wait just a minute. The author said that Setsuna sent Rei there 
without her clothes. So what's she going to do? Wear One of Makoto's
outfits?
Joel: Time is Setsuna's servant remember? She went back in time and 
changed it so that Rei had her clothes with her.
Crow: Ohhh...Thanks, Joel.
Joel: Don't mention it.
Tom: In that case, can Setsuna go back before Rei got into pedephilia 
with Hotaru?

>then I shall send you back to your
>temple, early enough that you can think of your answer before Usagi
>arrives."

******

>Rei concentrated on the sacred fire, desperately seeking enlightenment.
>Usagi was due any second, and still her answer had not come.

Mike: *as Rei* *giggles* I never knew what that word meant...

>Once again, she pondered Setsuna's "lesson"

Tom: That sounds like a hentai fic title. "Setsuna's Lesson".

>The only one she had ever
>loved that way was Mamoru, but he was Usagi's now, not hers.  It shamed
>her to even think that she might still love him in the same way.  Her mind
>knew it would be wrong to ask Usagi to share him...so why did her heart
>disagree?

Joel: Because this fic acts like the 70's never ended and free love still
reigns.

>If nothing else, Usagi would be jealous, to the point that it
>might ruin their friendship.

Crow: Yep. Bad idea to ask Usagi. She get's jealous of old ladies Mamoru helps.

>On time for once, Usagi quietly 

Tom: Kicked open the door, much as Rei has during the rest of the fic.
Joel: No, that was us.
Tom: We were kicking the doors open?

Joel: *sweatdrops*


>slid open the wood and paper door, slipped
>inside, and shut the door.  Out of the corner of her eye, Rei saw that
>Usagi was wearing a kimono and socks, and, as revealed when Usagi began to
>untie the kimono, nothing underneath.

Mike: Usagi's a pretty eager student.
Crow: Like I said earlier, shouldn't Usagi have gone to Haruka and Michiru
in the first place other than have Rei be in the middle of it all?

>"Usagi."
>"I'm ready, Rei."
>"Don't.  PLEASE."
>Usagi blinked.  "Rei?"

>"I...this isn't something you should do with just anyone.  Not even just
your friends.  Please, Usagi, don't spoil your first time."

Joel: Now they try to have a moral lesson. After everybody else had sex with
Rei, she comes to the conclusion that your first time should be with the
one you love.
Mike: I guess the fic does have some redeeming values, afterall.
Crow: Speak for yourself. After the kiddie porn this thing can't get any 
better.

>"But, Rei..."

>"You wanted me to let you know how to make love?  You're right, any of
>the others can tell you how to have sex.  To make love, do it with one you
>love.  And...just be yourself."

Tom: So all the rest of the senshi are messed up and don't understand how
to make love?
Mike: You'd think Haruka & Michiru would have known.
Crow: Nope. Then the rest of the fic wouldn't have taken place, pedephilia 
and all.
Joel: You can always pretend, Crow.

>"I will, Rei."

Joel: See. Rei's pretending it didn't happen.

>"Good.  Now, go on.  Go to the one you love."
>Usagi's kimono dropped to the floor.

Crow: Yes! I was right! Rei did want to be with Usagi!
Joel: So the rest of us were wrong.
Mike: *Stares at Joel* Setsuna?

>And Rei knew, for the first time, just how wrong was her assumption that
>Usagi would be jealous of her love for Mamoru.  And for Usagi.

Joel: It's over!
All: Yay!!!!

*They all leave the theater*


	"So how was the fic?" asked Dr. F. as they walked to the monitor.
	"Actually, we learned a lesson from it," replied Mike.
	"Yeah? What's that?" asked Frank.
	"That the 70's never ended and that free love still reigns," said
Joel.
	"Peace," said Mike giving the peace sign.
	"Groovey," said Tom.
	"Make love, not war," said Crow.
	"You'd all be rather sad on earth, then," said Dr. F.
	Mike, Joel, and the bot's breath sighs of relief.
	"Thank god," said Joel. 
	"I was worried there for a moment," Mike said relieved.
	"Until next time, my lab rats." Dr. F. turned to Frank. "Push the
button, Frank."