Mystery Self-Insertion Theater 3000 Post 102: 'Shinji Fucks His Butt Family!' Original Story by Bob Guiren MiSTed by: Alicia Ashby Jamie Jeans Tim McLees Mike Surbrook Our story begins, as few other stories do... in Hell. The Satellite, though, not the torment-filled netherworld of the afterlife. In space, there is no sunrise or sunset, so time is largely relative. But, regardless of what time it 'really' was, it was the rough equivalent of 4:00 AM on Hell. The satellite's unwilling crew were all quietly asleep in their beds, no doubt dreaming of going home... or members of the opposite sex... or whatever. That wasn't going to last long, though. The phenomenally loud klaxons and sirens that signaled an Incoming Call suddenly went off, accompanied by red lights flashing on and off in each of the authors' sleeping quarters. Needless to say, it was not a pleasant way to wake up. As such, the authors' progress to the Bridge was a bit slower than usual. Timothy staggered in first and squinted against the Bridge's lighting, which seemed far too bright at the moment. Mike soon followed, muttering a string of fascinating accusations regarding the sexual practices of whoever was responsible for waking him up. Jamie arrived next; while his goofy slippers were predictable, the fact that he was shirtless was not. This gave Michael something else to swear about and Tim another reason to wish that the lights were off. Last to arrive was Alicia, her hair and clothing a rather disheveled mess and her expression indicating that she'd do something rather unpleasant to anyone who attempted to tell her so. Once the group was assembled, the Mads light began flashing. Michael hit it, and answered with characteristic aplomb and wit. "What the *fuck* do you people want?" In Deep 13, The Observer blinked as he gazed at Michael through the Viewscreen. The Secret Society of Mads was oddly absent from the underground vault at the moment; instead it was the Second Bananas that sat about the area, themselves looking none too pleased to be up at this hour themselves. Well, except for Heidegger, who seemed to be happily blathering on to TV's Frank, Rocky Maivia, and Professor Bobo about what a wonderful morning it was. "Now really, was that sort of language necessary?" Observer asked. "No, but it's fun," Michael replied rather flatly. "Yeah!" Jamie added. "You can just take a flying leap up my..." Jamie was cut off as a bucket of ice-cold water suddenly materialized over him and dumped its contents on his head. In Deep 13, Observer smirked slightly, and then began. "Well, I'm sure you're all wondering why we called at such an unusual hour this week. Although this week's bit of persuasion *is* rather painful, it's also very short. So, it was decided by the esteemed Dr. Forrester and his associates to make you watch it at a time when you'd already be disoriented and half-conscious for maximum effect." As Observer paused, the sounds of Rocky slamming his WWF Heavyweight Championship Belt repeatedly into Heidegger's head could be heard. Frank and Bobo seemed to have started a weak 'Rock' chant to cheer him on. Observer smiled obliviously before he continued. "Since I have no body, I have no need for sleep and therefore volunteered to send it to you, with the assistance of the fine gentlemen you see in the background." When the denizens of Hell looked into the background, all they saw was Heidegger doing his patented Shinra Splash onto Rocky, sending the young Samoan crashing through the table he was lying on. This prompted Bobo to grab a steel chair to run in for the save. However, Heidegger was quicker than he looked, and managed to dodge away. Bobo's chairshot ended up hitting the recovering Rocky instead. "Anyway," Observer finished, "Your torment this week is a little anti-fic called..." Observer stared at the title of the story printed on the Ficsender, and developed a nasty eye twitch. "Well, the title of today's story isn't fit to be spoken in public, but I can tell you it was written by one Bob Guiren..." "Who?" Michael asked, clearly not impressed. However, the others suddenly looked very, very awake. "GUIREN?!" Alicia near-shrieked. "And he *wrote* a *fic* about *us*..." Tim had the sudden urge to go repeatedly slam his head into a wall. "Geez, how much free time does this guy *have*?" Jamie asked no one in particular. "Okay, I take it you know this guy..." Alicia paused for a minute, trying to come up with the appropriate words. "Well, Bob's..." She was interrupted by the even louder sirens and flashing lights that announced that the fanfic was on its way to the theater. "Never mind, you'll find out yourself... CAUSE WE'VE GOT ANTI-FIC SIIIIIGN!" [6-5-4-3-2-1] >Hi, nigger lovers!! ALICIA [brightly]: Hi! MICHAEL: Oh... this does not bode well. JAMIE: How come all the fanfics we've been sent have such nice opening lines? >Bob Guerin MICHAEL: *Who*? TIM [sighs]: Ah yes...SVAM's first official racist troll. JAMIE: Watch me as I restrain my anger at seeing his name... [Dead silence follows.] JAMIE: Okay, so there's no anger. The guy is really kind of pathetic. ALICIA: What? For devoting huge amounts of his free time to flaming a MiSTing site because it has the audacity to count minorities and Canadians among its authors? Why, Jamie, whatever could be pathetic about so noble a cause as that? >8:16 pm Sunday MICHAEL: Sunday! Sunday! Race fans! Hotrodders! Sunday! Sunday! TIM: And on the Seventh Day, yonder dickweed Bobby G made a loopy anti-fic. And these four valiant souls did smite him. Lo, it was pretty cool. OTHERS: Amen. >November 8, 1998 > >OK, you little nigger-loving panzees MICHAEL: What exactly is a 'panzee'? A flower or a tank? ALICIA : Hey, hey, we're the Panzees... >will pay for having me >removed from my ISP!!! JAMIE: Whoa! What happened? And why wasn't I invited to this event? TIM: Really? I thought you got thrown off for being a racist ass. Hmmm... ALICIA: Yeah, it's also all our fault that he got kicked off the Dibs List, too. Darn it, why won't people respect Bob's God-given right to harass those obviously inferior to him? >I'm writing a new story starring all of >you bitches. MICHAEL: I'm no bitch! I'm a witless minion! TIM: Ah. So he's venting at all of the three female SVAM MiSTers. Brilliant. ALICIA: Well, he knows that we secretly run the whole place. Of course, that 'we' will change when a certain Miss Jen White is out of the way... [ALICIA laughs darkly.] JAMIE: Alicia... did you get enough sleep? > >SHINJI FUCKS HIS BUTT FAMILY TIM [Blinks]: That pretty much says it right there, dosen't it? MICHAEL [Blink, blink]: You *have* got to be kidding me! JAMIE: I knew Shinji was lonely for female companionship, but couldn't he have nailed Rei or Misato? They're both better looking then Gendou. >One day, Shinji was walking down the street, singing. ALL : Doo-wah-diddy-diddy-dum-diddy-do! Snapping our fingers an' shuffling our feet, singing doo-wah-diddy-diddy-dum-diddy-do! >"God dammit, it's good to be ALICIA: ... the king? >white and not have to live in a ghetto >or be one of those darkies!" he said. TIM: Hmmm... Don't know the tune to that one. Could you hum the first few bars? MICHAEL: This public service announcement brought to you by David Gonterman, Jesse Helms and David Duke. ALICIA: 'Darkie'? What, so we're in an SVAM version of 'Uncle Tom's Cabin' now? >Shinji saw his head bitch MICHAEL: Marta? ALICIA: Now, Michael, you should know how these things go by now... >Lynxie Poo, MICHAEL: Oh, stupid me, this is a bust on all the authors. JAMIE: Hey Alicia, when did Lynxara join NERV? I thought you had to be around fourteen to be one of the special children to pilot EVAs. TIM [guffaws]: LYNXIE-POO!? Bwah, hah... ALICIA: Tim, I take it your life plan involved fathering children at some point in time... TIM [looks at Alicia]: Don't hit! >and grabbed her ass. ALICIA: HEY! Leave my donkey alone! JAMIE: But you have such a nice looking donkey! Can't we ride it for a bit? Please? ALICIA [flatly]: I have no doubt we'll be seeing plenty of that in the story itself, Jamie. >Hey, Honey!" he said MICHAEL: Cutey Honey? JAMIE: No no... honey is what you eat, her ass is what you're grabbing. MICHAEL [laughing]: Jamie... do... you realize what you... just said? JAMIE: Yes, I did... but I'm too damn tired to care. >as he grabbed her as. MICHAEL: As what? JAMIE: Repeat! Shinji has grabbed her ass! TIM :This is not a drill! >"What are you doing, Shinh?" TIM: I'd venture a guess and say grabbing her butt. Duh. JAMIE: No, Lynxara, that's Shinji. Shinh is over in the corner drinking a beer. >She Asked, as he ripped off her dress ALICIA: I was wearing a *dress*? That's it, this story just became implausible. JAMIE: What? No plug suit? Boo! I got ripped off! I want my money back! MICHAEL: I see... this must be a new lemon law, all women are as dumb as a box of rocks. ALICIA [smirks]: 'New'? MICHAEL: Yeah, the old lemon law was that all women were closet lesbians. >and fucked her hard up the ass. ALICIA [sighs]: Why is it that all these fanfics center on things going into or out of my ass? MICHAEL: Ladies and Gentlemen, Cartman! Let's give her a big hand!!! TIM [snorts]: Just like that, huh? No dinner, movie or anything. Damn. ALICIA: Yeah, and I used to wonder why you didn't have a girlfriend. TIM: But *I'm* not the one doing that, I am! No, wait... these anti-fics are starting to hurt my brain. MICHAEL: Ssssssh! They might hear you! > >He filled her ass with cum JAMIE: As opposed to straw and sawdust. ALICIA: I'd rather be stuffed with nice fluffy cotton, like the Velveteen Rabbit. >and madew her explode all over the place. MICHAEL [Yuri voice]: Ewww... her brains went down my top! JAMIE: Eww! Shinji *is* the Overfiend! [JAMIE looks closer at the screen] JAMIE: Hang on... he's only got one tentacle though. I thought the Overfiend had about a thousand. MICHAEL: Budget cuts. This is Overfiend lite. >Suddenly, rthe rest of zShinji;s butt-broithers MICHAEL: I see that the severe emotional content of that last scene just shot Bobby boy's ability to type all to hell. TIM: Nah, he's busy trying to type this with one hand. JAMIE: That would explain why some of the keys are sticking... >came up to them. JAMIE: From that far away? There must be an award for that *some*where. ALICIA: Ask John Felix, I'm sure he'd know. >"Hey we wanted to fuck her, but you got to her first!" CGold said. JAMIE: Shinji paid more. ALICIA: Alicia Ashby: Official ho of SVAM since 1998. Ask for her by name. [MICHAEL opens his mouth to say something, and then wisely closes it again.] >He then bitch-slapped Shinji. ALL: WA-TAK! TIM : OOoo! I'll harm you! MICHAEL : I'll give you such a pinch! JAMIE : Bitch better have my money, ho... ALICIA: Chris Golden *is* Kama Mustafa in 'The Pimpmaster Shango Story.' >"Oh yeah?"Shinji said., he said. JAMIE : Shinji said he said... Shinji said he said... Shinji said he said... MICHAEL: Redundancy, your name is bad fanfiction. >Why don't you, Susano, what's his face and that other guy ALICIA: And now, Guiren makes use of his extensive knowledge of SVAM, clearly gathered through meticulous and thorough research. TIM: Ya know, Bobby, the fact that you don't even *know* the names of the people you're insulting strongly undermines your flame. MICHAEL [laughing]: Man, doesn't that make you want to send in a MST and sign it "What's his face"? >(the beverage kid that masturbates all the time to his fantasies >of Samantha "HoBaby" Jones) [TIM backs *far* away from JAMIE...] JAMIE: Hey hey hey!!! I'm insulted! I'm enraged! Serg-D may like Samantha, but he does not fantasize over her! TIM [facefaults, then climbs back up into his seat]: Ummm... of course, Jamie. >go over to those two nigger monkeys J-Booger >and Lefty JAMIE: So that's the hand Bob uses. >and fuck them up the ass?" ALICIA: Hmmm... I'm sensing a pattern here... >So the pussy boys JAMIE: Got together with the *Hardy* boys... MICHAEL: And had a bearded clam feast. ALICIA: Are they at all like the 69 Boys? >went over to J-Booby JAMIE: Gainax bounce! >and Lefgty TIM : Hey Chris, Mike, how's everything--OH MY GAWD!!! ALICIA: Pick a spelling for J-Boogie & Lefty and *stay* with it. We'd be a lot more impressed. >and fucked them good up the ass, MICHAEL : You look jes' like a hog. TIM :Make 'em squeal like Ned Beatty! ALICIA: So what would fucking them *bad* up the ass be? Missing the hole completely, or forgetting what to do once you got there, or what? MICHAEL: If you find out, don't tell me. >they filled their mouths with cum ALICIA: Where are the guys in this fic getting all of this stuff, anyway? Have they started bottling it and selling it at Walgreen's and other fine stores? JAMIE: "Sparkling Mountain Sperm... made from the finest of sex organs." >and choked the little bastarrds. JAMIE: Like Dark Schneider would ever go out *that* easily! TIM: For the special effects of Bobby G's anti-fic, the author of 'Robin+Impulse' is brought in... >"Ah, that felt good! JAMIE: No, a cold bottle of Jolt right about now would feel good. This fanfic just feels pathetic. ALICIA: You know, I never would've guessed that Bob was the type to be into yaoi, but I guess I was wrong. >Now they won't be able to steal >things anymore JAMIE: How were Lefty and J-Boogie able to steal things off SVAM anyhow? ALICIA: They kept running off with all the silverware when we weren't looking. 'Cause, ya see, all black people are thieves and stuff... MICHAEL: And all Mexicans are illegal immigrants who make good gardeners. And all Canadians are hosers, eh? JAMIE: Ahhh... I see. >and take the spaces of our White Children in >schools." Susano said JAMIE: Susano: Apple computer operator, programmer, great MSTier, and Nazi spokesman! >as he kicked the shit out of the >cum-filled Lefty. ALICIA: Ick, talk about your cream-filled centers... MICHAEL: Shouldn't that be... no... that's too disgusting to say. JAMIE: Then shouldn't it be white instead of brown? ALICIA: JAMIE!! >"Hey wait we were supposed to fuck Shinji up >for raping LynxaRA first!" TIM : Crap! I forgot to run! >So they went over to Shinji JAMIE: And kicked his ass? ALICIA: No, no, that's 'fucked up the ass'. It's Bobby's equivalent to Oracle's mighty 'kick in the nads'. JAMIE: Wow... Oracle and Bobby... separated at birth? ALICIA: WHITEY RULSZ!!! >and shot him in the face, TIM : Ow! My nose! MICHAEL: No, no, that's "Shot him into space"! ALICIA: With a gun, I hope. I've seen plenty of the Bob Guiren Supreme Attack already. >and then fucked Lynxara's dead body. JAMIE: Hey Alicia, doesn't this bring back memories? ALICIA: Yeah, I'm the human equivalent of ASADAE's Floating Island. > >I hope you little pussies delete this, JAMIE: Sorry, but we got some bigger pussies sending it up to us. ALICIA [philosophically]: It's not the size of the ocean, it's how one sails in it. >so I can show what weak >dickfaces you really are. TIM: So deleting your repulsive and vulgar flame makes *me* look bad. Right. >You nigger-loving jackoffs. TIM: And on that brilliant note, let's get the hell out of here. JAMIE: Yeah... I never got my usual pot of coffee and when I don't, I get very cranky. MICHAEL: Y'know, I'd love to sic Kitten on this guy... ALICIA: Or a lustful Marc Henry! [1-2-3-4-5-6] Observer was doing his name proud as he watched the four authors exit the theater and stagger once again into the brightly lit Bridge. "So, Dead Poets' Society, what did you think of your latest torture?" The others tried to ignore the fact that, in the background, TV's Frank had Heidegger in an ankle-lock submission hold and Bobo was bodyslamming Rocky. "Pathetic," Jamie summarily dismissed the fic as he began hooking up a mysteriously convenient coffee maker. "I still want to know exactly who the hell this guy is, and who pissed in his Wheaties," Michael grumbled. "I want to know what the hell it is about my site that attracts these people," Tim added flatly. "Maybe you need new wallpaper," Alicia added with a shrug. Observer looked rather disappointed. "So I don't suppose your wills have been broken yet?" "Nope," Alicia replied. "Bobby's pretty lame as flamers go. Go to any wrestling message board and you'll read a lot worse." "Damn," Observer cursed darkly. "And we had such hopes for him... well, you're dismissed for now, small-minded mortals. But make no mistake, there will be more suffering where that came from!" Observer looked up, hoping to see that he was striking fear into the recalcitrant author's hearts. Unfortunately, most of them had already gone back to bed, and Jamie seemed to be entering some caffeine induced altered state of mind. Observer sighed; pearls before swine, he consoled himself. Observer was about to ask one of his assistants to hit the button, when he looked back and saw Rocky Maivia performing the Corporate Elbow upon Bobo while Heidegger tapped out furiously. Observer decided that since he *was* omnipotent and all, it might just be better to do it himself this time. PWOOSH! FRANK: Look, it's the best damn elbow in the business today! _______________________________________________________________________ LEGAL STUFF: Professor Bobo, TV's Frank, the Observer, and the MST3K concept are the property of Best Brains, Inc. Heidegger is the property of SquareSoft. Rocky Maivia is the property of Titan Sports and himself. No licenses were given or implied in the making of this MiSTing, so please don't sue us. Alicia Ashby, Timothy McLees, Jamie Jeans, and Michael Surbrook are all TM & C their respective parents. :) The story riffed in this fanfic could be very loosely construed to be the property of Bob Guiren, in which case he's welcome to it. No copyright infringement is intended or should be construed by this MiSTing... especially since Guiren didn't seem to be too worried about that when he wrote the fic. This is usually the part of the fanfic where I say that absolutely no insult was intended towards Bob Guiren, but that wouldn't be entirely true in this particular case. Suffice it to say that we meant no more insult towards Guiren in the making of this MiSTing than he meant towards us in the making of his fanfic. ^_^ Alicia's Notes: Well, that was short! Here it is, the MiSTing of the first legit SVAM anti-fic, clearly indicative that certain portions of the Internet community have way too much time on their hands. Oh, and what do I mean by 'first legit SVAM anti-fic'? What about Exdeath and Dark SVAM, you say? Well, if you don't already know, be sure to tune in next episode, when we riff Chapter Two of Dark SVAM (yes, there's another one), and the secret of Exdeath is revealed! Till then, enjoy all the usual stuff at the Vault! Ja ne! Jamie's Notes: This was really pathetic... I went through it the first time in a half hour with no feelings of anger at all. I've felt worse writing my Math exam than riffing this thing. Cripes... Bob G is pathetic and I'm glad we won't be hearing back from him anymore. Well... I just love this MSTing series and I am honored that Alicia included me in this. Now, on to DSVAM Part 2... hmmm... Tim's Notes: Well, that was repulsive, but at least it was short. Like Alicia said, we'll learn the secret of Exdeath in the new installment of Mystery Self-Insertion Theater! Later everyone! Michael's Notes: A line from "Faulty Towers" comes to mind... "Bob Guiren, you are a waste of space." Well, it was short, and pointless and foolish. I can't say too much, as I do believe in the adage of free speech, even speech as disgusting as this. It's Bob's opinion and he's welcome to it. Now, just as long as he doesn't try to stop me from expressing mine, we'll be okay. As Voltaire once said: "I may not agree with what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it." Unfortunately, this attitude is sadly lacking in may people today. Contact the Authors! Alicia: lynxara@hotmail.com Jamie: xwing@uniserve.com Tim: shinji_70@hotmail.com Michael: susano@otd.com __________________________________________________________________________ >Hi, nigger lovers!!