From: John Felix Msting #9 "What the hell" by Ray Moore. MSTing by John Felix Completed 12/10/98 -- "Guys," Azure spoke up, "You know about the Holocabana thingamajig you see all the time in those popular MSTings?" Precious sat down on the couch right next to Dio "Yeah, Megane came up with it and a bunch of MSTers then mimicked the idea, right?" "Yeah, well I had a man come down and install one for us, We can get into all sorts of funny situations, boost up readership, you get the idea" Precious nudged Dio, and after a few minutes of grumbling and naughty words, the three men finally got up and left the room, making sure to be very quiet walking down the hall, as not to disturb the other bandmates sleeping. They opened the door, and stepped inside. "Computer", Azure said in a loud booming voice, "Activate program T-120VF" The room suddenly became a fantastic array of lights and sound as the computer did it's job and started the program. in about a minute, suddenly a very realistic and very nude Dark Schneider appeared. "Whoops, wrong program" Precious screamed in what seemed like bliss and jumped into Dark Schneider's arms. "Baby, I've always wanted to meet you! I've waited so long for this moment! talk to me, honey!" "Stood that I am going to the elasticity of soccer its donkey, right?" "What the hell?" "this ground of the dressing table" "Azure, what the hell is he talking about?" Azure immediately stopped the program much to Precious' protest. After a minute of silence Dio finally spoke up. "Azure... Who exactly installed this holocabana?" "I don't know... Checked the manual" Dio ran out of the room and came back with the 8 inch thick manual. he opened it up and did a spit take. "Azure, This is called a halabraca. It was designed by Dr. Thinker!! Hell, this whole manual is written by Dr. Thinker!!" "You mean no more Dark Schneider?" Precious said with a saddened look in his eyes. "Afraid not, Precious. Azure, I'm going to kill you! "You're going to have to catch me first!" "Hah, you have to sleep sometime!" "Guys?" "Yeah?" "Can we get out of Rapid conversation mode? I'm getting dizzy." "MOOO!!!" *THUMP* "You shouldn't have stolen His Lordship Chaos' joke." "MOOO!!!" *THUMP* After a much needed drink and application of various bandages, our heroes managed to get into the entertainment center room to start what they do rather well... Precious: So what is this story called? Dio: "What the hell?" Azure: That's the name of the story?! Precious: Why have we changed from prose to script? Dio: Because the author is too lazy. > Tenchi came down stairs after a long nights sleep when >he is faced with a difficult choice. How to kill and kill and kill. Dio: ...How to kill the author for making him so OOC. >You see during the night Tenchi contracted a mild case of rabies from >Ryo-oki and it has driven him insane. All he can think about is ripping >the flesh from everyones bones. As he gets his first idea a smile creeps >across his face and he starts to giggle. What fun is about to happen. Precious: He's going to ride in a one horse open sleigh! > "Kyone,when are you going to tell everyone about our love?" >"Tell people? Are you mad Washu? (Everyone does a spit take, which is interesting considering no one was drinking) Azure: THE HELL?! > If word got out that I, A police officer >were involved with the most insane scintest in the universe scandal would rock >the entire empire." Washu leaned over and placed her hand on Kyone's leg and >whispered "Honey come back to bed and i'll show you what to do with your >badge." Azure: (Washu) You can shove it up the author's ass! Dio: We have to talk to you about author riffs sometime, Azure. > >Kyone sighed and climbed under the covers and went to work. Tenchi had watched >this entire exchange from the doorway and had a flash of insight. "I knew that >those plastic exploseves I got from Minne May would come in handy." Tenchi >>giggled. Precious: The role of Tenchi will now be taken over by Beavis. >"I'll be right back," said Washu as she went into the bathroom. She looked >over >and grabbed the soap. Or so she thought. When she climbed back into bed she >said "Honey I got the soap for a even better time." Dio: She grabbed the satellite of annoying people?! > "All right co-" was all >Kyone had time to say before Tenchi pressed the button on his remote >detnotar. >Washu and Kyonewere nothing more than spots on the floor of Washu's Lab. Azure: Personally I don't get how someone can mistake soap for explosives. Dio: You too? > Tenchi giggled somemore and felt a wave of light headness come over him. >Then >he went to find thatlittle bitch Sasami who wanted to get into his pants. >"Little whore," thought Tenchi as he left. Precious: I have this feeling that the author dropped enough acid to stone Keith Richards and decided to watch about 5 seconds of a 'Tenchi Muyo!' OAV. > When he got outside Sasami's door he heard some Metallica blaring >as loud >as the cd player would allow. Precious: Oh yeah, that's in character... I may weep openly. > That made Tenchi's headace even worse. "Damn >little bitch!!" screamed Tenchi but the music was too loud for her to >hear. He >knocked on the door. > > Nothing the music was too loud. So he went on in. The sight he saw was >shocking. Sasami was naked on her bed holding a picture between her legs and >moaning softly. Tenchi looked at the picture and saw that it was a picture of >him! "That fucking slut!" Tenchi thought. Dio: (Tenchi) She ripped off a scene from 'Needful things'! That slut! > But now he knew just how to kill the little bitch. He left without her >even knowing he was there and went down stairs. He went to the new grand >piano >that they had gotten for Ayeka and looked inside. Precious: It has a creamy nougat filling! Azure: Little did Tenchi know... The filling is hot and alive! > He found a loose wire and >ripped it free. Now all he had to do was lure the little corner-walker >into his >trap. Sasami had turned of her music and was just laying there on the bed >thinking about Tenchi trying to find a way to get into his pants. Azure: How old is Sasami by the way? Precious: Around 7. Dio: The girl ain't right. Precious: Even IC she ain't quite right. > Then she heard a knock on her door and threw on her robe then >opened the >door. There was no one there. She was about to close the door when she saw a >note laying on the floor. It said, " Sasami I have decided that you are >the one >I want. All: (Singing) She's just the girl, she's just the girl, the girl u want! > Meet me in Washu's Lab in 15 min. Dont worry about Washu I have taken >care of her." Sasami's heart fluttered and she ran down to Washu's Lab and >went >inside. "Tenchi," she called in that oh so sexy voice and walked toward a >table >in the middle of the room. Dio: ...As sexy as a 7 year old voice can get. Azure: I feel a bit woozy. > "This should serve my purpose with that sexy man," she said. But she >looked down and saw that she was standing in the puddle of goo that Washu and >Kyone had turned into. Precious: (Sasami) Oh, I just *KNEW* we shouldn't have invited Eve for dinner! > At first she thought it was just some cabbit shit but >then she saw the red and black hairs and it dawned on her what had happened. Dio: So right at that moment she knew that Tenchi had taken the plastic explosives, replaced the soap with it, then while Kiyone and Wahsu were about to get it on, he detonated it? > > Just then she heard a portal open and felt something tighten around >her >throat. Tenchi was strangling her with some type of wire!!! Azure: Bird on a wire... Starring Mel Gibson and Goldie Hawn. > She fought to get >free but he was stronger then her(rabies it'll do that to you) so it was >to no >avall. > > The last thing she rembered was Tenchi's constant giggling and then >she >died. Precious: Please tell me she didn't hear a fly when she died... Dio: This is extremely icky, can we pass this scene? (Azure picks up the remote and fast forwards.) > Yosho was metidating on some wise sayings but he was running out of >ideas. "Don't shit where you eat," Azure: McDonalds should have taken that advice. >came to mind but he quickly rejected it. >Heard a thump behind him and it was Sasami's severed head staring at him. Dio: Heads up, Yosho! > He >jumped up wooden sword in hand. It was Tenchi with his hands behind his back. >"Tenchi what have you done," he screamed at him. Precious: (Tenchi) Got written OOC by some asshole author, what else? > Tenchi didn't say a thing but just giggled and blood started to run >out >of his nose. Yosho reconized it as rabies. Dio: ...Or just your classic case of naughty thoughts > Yosho knew what he had to do. He >rushed Tenchi with a speed that was blinding. Tenchi did nothing but pull >what >he had behind his back out into view. It was a Colt 45 with a seclincer on >it!! Azure: and if it was a silencer, it would matter! >Tenchi pulled the trigger 8 times. Yosho's body was thrown back into the >wall >and he bled to death. When he died Tenchi spit in his face. Precious: it doesn't matter because he's dead, Tenchi. > Tenchi took the body and threw it into the lake giggling the whole >time. >It was time to take care of Ryoko that fucking whore. Tenchi giggled and his >headache got worse. Dio: I suggest the use of heavy narcotics, Tenchi. > Ryoko was watching her favroite soap opera when Tenchi found her. >He was >careful not to let her see him sneaking into the kitchen to get his "toy". He >reached into the drawer and grabbed Azure: ...A frozen cucumber!! >an ivory handle butcher knife. Dio: I don't know if that's better, or worse. > It could cut >through bone with one full swing and not have any trouble. He climbed >inside a >cabnet and called Ryoko's name. Ryoko heard him and said "Coming my cuddle >muffin." She came into the kitchen and was puzzled. Precious: She just couldn't get past level 50 of Tetris Attack. > She could of swore that Tenchi had called her name from in here. She >turned to leave when a can of carrots fell in front of her. She looked >up...... >The last thing she saw was the light glinting off the blade of the knife. The >knife went into the top of her skull and cleaved it in two. Azure: oh yes, with one knife you can slice Ryoko's skull in half, I think the author watched "Evil Dead" one too many times. > Leaving the blade >buried in her neck Tenchi dragged her into Washu's Lab. > > He left her in a very naughty poisiton on top of Sasami. Dio: Oh Ick! Precious: Hey... That's 'Kama Sutra' position #176! (Dio backhands Precious) > Tenchi was now coughing up blood as he came up with his plan to kill >that air headed slut Mishoshi. He giggled and left. > > Mishosi was watching tv in her room when she felt the cloth being >pressed >against her mouth. Breathing in the colorform she passed out. Azure: ...And if it was Chloroform, it would matter! > She woke up tied >spread eagled on her bed with the corpses of Sasami and Ryoko on top of her. >She tried to scream but her mouth was duct taped shut with some sort of >hose in >there. Dio: Did Lord Havoc tie her up or what? > Tenchi was standing there and said " Now we are going to see if you >are >really an airhead." Precious: At least he's not trying to see if she's a natural blonde. > He reached over and turned on the air compresser and air started to fill >up >her mouth. She started to cry and her eyes started to buldge out from >the air >pressure. Finally her head couldn't take any more and it exploded. Azure: Why am I suddenly having flashbacks of "Big Trouble in Little China"? >Tenchi was >covered in brains which he ate because they were tastey. Precious: (Lucy) ...Just like candy! No, Really! > Now to get that ass hole Ryo-Oki. Tenchi giggled and went back to >>Sasami's room. Dio: Tenchi... It's just a *FRICKIN* *CABBIT!* > Ryo-Oki was asleep when Tenchi found her. He picked her up and slammed >her up against the dart board. He took a couple of darts that were lying >on the >table and jammed them into her ears pinning her to the board. Azure: Body piercing taken to a whole new level. > Ryo-Oki was now >crying like only she can and Tenchi ripped out het vocial cords. He then got >the rest of the darts and played a little game. Precious: It's called "Pin the tail on the cabbit". > He hit her three times in the >heart and thankfully she died. Tenchi's dark mission was almost done all >he had >to do is kill Ayeka and he would have his revenge. Dio: If it's the dub Ayeka, I say go for it, man! > He giggled of course and threw up. Then he left. > > Ayeka was in the hot springs when he found her. She was thinking of >a way >to(you guessed it) to get into Tenchi's pants. Azure: (Deadpan) No, you totally shock me there. > All Tenchi had to do was replace the saki she was drinking with sfurlic acid Precious: At least Tenchi didn't replace Ayeka's sake with sulfuric acid! Dio: That would have been horrible! >and the job was done. When she took a drink her throat was eaten out and she >bled to death. Tenchi giggled and dragged her body to the others and set >them >on fire. > > Tenchi was having fun until his heart exploded because of the >rabies. He >died with a smile on his face and someones arm in his hand. Azure: Harrison Ford was looking for that guy. > The Moral? The Moral is ....I can't think of one so leave me alone! > The End Precious: The moral of this story is... All: Friends don't let friends write drunk. >Story by: Ray Moore Dio: are you going to tell me Rudy Ray Moore wrote this?! Azure: Disco Godfather, baby! >Tenchi and others are copyrighted by Pioneer all rights reserved. >Tell me what you think at Goku89@juno.com. Precious: Dear Ray... I hope you are sodomized by the tusk of an elephant. Dio: Dear Ray... Please check into your local mental health ward. Azure: Dear Ray... Toss my salad you no-talent dickweed. Dio: Now stop that! Precious stopped the VCR. "Guys, I'm going to try out the halabraca again, I don't care if Dark Schneider speaks in thinkerese, He doesn't need to speak!" "Remind me to kill the author", Dio muttered. "changing from prose to script and back to prose gives me one hell of a headache." With that, Dio stormed off to get more sleep. "I'll never accept anything from a man in a yellow coat ever again..." Azure muttered to himself, gave off a loud yawn and promptly fell asleep on the couch. -- MSTing notes: There's another one! and this time in prose for the host segments! Thanks goes out to all the #C-Ko'sChatHall attendants, even the zoomers. No Offense to Ray Moore, the author of this story. Mystery Science Theater 3000 is copyright Best Brains Inc. and "Tenchi Muyo!" is copyright pioneer. > The Moral? The Moral is ....I can't think of one so leave me alone! ------- watashi no shitagi no dezain wa shimetsuke, mochiage, soshite wakerutame ni aru ------- \