Howdy Folks, Booter Freak speaking! Now, for this MiSTing edition.. Find a dictionary. Look up "Mary Sue". Next to it you will see a picture of "Rei: A New Kind of Princess!" If there was ever, EVER a textbook definition of what the epiphany of a Mary Sue is, my friends, it lurks here. Read at your own peril. *** "Rei: A New Kind of Princess!" BF: More like a new kind of horror. By Osane BF: Bringer of the Sue. *** Telepathic Message-- 'Thoughts' >New Place or time BF: Telepathic messages? What’s this all about? Ax? (Aximili) NOTE: I do NOT own Avatar! BF: (Author) I just take it out for joyrides! *** Chapter 1: "Rei" "REI! REI!" BF: Rhymes with "Mei"...already I don’t like her. yelled the guard, Chu. BF: God bless you. "What is it Chu?" BF: Gesundheit. Rei asked innocently. She was brushing her elbow length black hair. BF: Wait...how long are elbows? It had red tips, BF: She dyed her hair in the blood of her enemies! for today, she was dressing as a Fire Bender. BF: Tomorrow, a clown! "Princess Rei, stop fooling around! If the king finds you, he’ll KILL you!" BF: Rei had been drinking from his whiskey stash again. "Not before the wedding at least." BF: Instead of throwing rice at the wedding, the king liked to spray bullets. She applied red eye liner, BF: Unfortunately stabbing herself in the eye with the pencil. (Rei) GODDAMMIT! it seemed a perfect match for her dark maroon eyes. BF: (not impressed) I bet they’re not as dark OR as maroon as Dilandau’s. Nor is she as fun with fire, I’ll bet. ‘I don’t want lipstick XP’ BF: "XP"? Either I’m behind on the times as far as makeup goes, or that was a typy-face! Well, I’ll show you how I feel about sprinkling emoticons in fics —> >=[ "Rei, I wish I was pretty like you." Chu said that with such self-loathing it sent a chill up Rei’s spine. BF: Rei OUGHT to be worried. Chu has a bad habit of killing people and wearing their skins... "Stop that right now! You’re beautiful and you know it!" BF: (Rei) You want me to BEAT some self confidence into you? Rei put on some earrings in the shape of crescent moons. BF: THRILL as Rei puts on earrings! BE AMAZED at their crescent shape! Chu was self-conscious about her looks. BF: Being born with *two* asses caused her to be that way. She wanted to badly to be like Rei, talented and beautiful, kind and wise... BF: And BLINDINGLY Mary-Sue. if only her fate wasn’t to die in three days, she and Rei would’ve made such great friends. BF: Um. Yeah. That kinda *would* ruin a potential friendship. Why is she dying, by the way? Cancer? AIDS? Too much Rei? Rei wasn’t at all like the other girls that Chu knew. BF: Rei was a "spunky" girl with flawless looks and supernatural abilities. She could shine *light* out her ass! Rei was kind, honest, pure, and selfless. BF: And boring. Chu was a year younger than Rei. Chu was 14, strong, pretty, but also kind of scary (the self-loathing) BF: Ritsu Sohma plays "Chu" in "Rei: A New Kind of Princess!" A new guard came up behind Chu. BF: (Chu, coyly) Is that your sword hilt, or are you just happy to see me? His name is Kai. BF: (monotone) Hiiiii, Kai. Kai loves Rei. BF: (dryly) Of course! Who doesn’t, now? Kai is 19, he didn’t seem to pay much attention to Chu BF: Only adding to her self-loathing. when she asked what was going on, "Princess Rei! Fire benders have some on to our shore! The king needs you to go greet them right away!" BF: (Kai) We’re having a beach party, and *you* are the hostess! "Yes, thank you Kai." Rei ran into the castle and dressed in a maroon dress with bright red streaks on the edges. BF: (Rei) I’ll choose *this* dress, just in case my period sneaks up on me tonight! Rei was a C34 with a small waist, she had grand curves, stunning legs, a beautiful smile, and to top it all off, a marvelous personality. BF: *blinks* Wow...most authors go into a lot of detail describing the radiance of their Mary-Sues, but THIS author has her self-insert down to a specific *bust-size*! Tell me, what size shoe does she wear? "Teleport!" As soon as she said this, she appeared at the shore where the Fire Benders had arrived. BF: Beam me up, Scotty! (Laughs) Ahh, just when I thought this Mary Sue couldn’t get any more unrealistic. Prince Zuko got off first with General Iroh, the his men. BF: Did *they* use teleportation? Rei had never seen such a small crew of Fire benders, BF: Ahh, but we know from Iroh in "Winter Solstice, Part I" that you should never judge by numbers... but either way, she had to greet them, or another beating tonight. BF: Beating? Who? *Rei*? Can’t she just *teleport* away? "You must be the Fire Benders. Prince Zuko and General Iroh, very nice to meet you all." BF: Huh. Instantaneous knowledge must be another one of her gifts. After Rei said this Prince Zuko blushed BF: (Zuko, thinking) I hope nobody smells that...the cabbage I had last night is doing a number on me! (didn’t seem like it from the way he put his face in) BF: Put his face in what? A cream pie? Rei’s C34 bosom? and General Iroh got an idea about how to get Rei to join them. BF: Just slip a twenty into her hand, and she’s good to go! "Hold on to my hand Prince Zuko, General Iroh, and the rest of you, join hands with them." Everyone did as they were told, BF: (Rei) Now, let’s sing ‘Koombaya’! "Teleport!" And they were at the castle. "Welcome to King Bui’s castle. Make yourselves at home." BF: (Rei, grumbling) I hate being a goddamn chauffeur all the time...taking me for granted, they are! "Ah, excuse me young lady, what’s your name?" BF: (Iroh, singing) What’s yo’ name, little girl, what’s yo’ name? "Oh, my apologies! I completely forgot to introduce myself. BF: (Rei) And list my endless shining qualities! I’m Princess Rei, King Bui’s fiancee." BF: I feel a strange pang of pity for King Bui, and I haven’t even met the guy. "Fiancee, huh? Zuko! Come here a second!" Prince Zuko walked towards his uncle. "Prince Zuko, this is Princess Rei, King Bu’s fiancee." BF: Hm. Guess Prince’s Zuko’s hearing aid is on the fritz. "Pardon me for not introducing myself earlier, Prince Zuko." Rei bowed respectfully at the prince, BF: Zuko eyed her cleavage as she bent over. (Zuko, thinking) Damn, when she’s like that, you can see all the way down to Florida! just then, she heard the voice that gave her the creeps just by hearing even the slightest tone of it. BF: (in horror) Richard Simmons! "Rei! Honey! Come here and give me a kiss my sweet little, princess, you beautiful little-" BF: Oh...so many awful ways I could end that sentence...urgh...can’t choose.... "Uh! Bui! Honey bun! BF:(Rei) Sugar Lump! Darling! Baby cakes! Asshole–er, I mean...! Meet our guests!"(Rei’s faking.) BF: For those of us too stupid to see past Rei’s lamentable acting skills. "Ah, the banished prince, Zuko, how very nice to meet you." BF: (snicker) Yeah. Bring up Zuko’s painful banishment. I’m sure that’ll put him in a good mood. "Likewise. --" BF: (Zuko, thinking) How soon can I kill this man? "Rei, have you introduced yourself yet?" "Yea.." BF: Although, she forgot to at first. (cattily) Not as perfect as she likes to make herself out to be, is she? "Very well then, Let the feast begin! General Iroh! Come sit next to me! Prince Zuko, sit next to Rei." BF: Yeah, that’s a smart idea, Bui. Put the hawt Fire Prince next to your fiancé, while *you* sit next to an elderly fat man. Unless...that was his *plan*... (Bui, dreamily) You must be quite the worldly man...I’ve bet you’ve seen many, *many* things... (Iroh, uncomfortably) I...suppose... King Bui sat in the biggest chair BF: It was a bean-bag chair the size of a komodo-rhino! at the longest table any of the Fire Benders have ever seen. BF: (Iroh) My, what long tables they have. (Zuko) Uncle, I am ashamed of my nation because *we* do not have tables this long! To his left was General Iroh, the his right, Rei with Zuko right BF: on her lap. next to her. The others were sitting in any other place. BF: Who are these "others"? Where is this "any other place"? (Author) Zip it, will you? Who cares about petty details? (BF) This coming from the author who described the shape of Rei’s earings, the style of Rei’s dress, and the size of Rei’s bust? (Author) Those details are *important*! They draw *attention* to Rei, not *away* from her! "Rei!" King Bui said, "Entertain us with your songs." Rei pouted, and the asked her self how he knew that she could sing. BF: He watched her while she was in the shower singing away. "Fine." Rei stepped up to the stage where all the instrument and their players were. Rei sat at the piano and played a song called For You (does not exist), BF: For which we thank the stars. "My happiness was overwhelmed when you smiled, your smile makes the day brighten, far from the sun filled days that lie in sleep. Waiting with glee for the spring, when the blossoms will bloom, reborn again, knowing there’s more beyond the suffering of today...And although the scars of yesterday remain, you can live as long as your heart believes...You can’t be reborn again, although you can change...Let’s try our best, always...As though waiting for a sign, I wait peacefully for you...only you...This barrier that keeps us apart will not exist for long...for you...I will wait forever...I watched the flowers that we planted together grow and grow, like the love that I have for you...amazing that it will never fade...For you...let’s stay together forever..." BF: Oh my god, it’s like every bad anime song I’ve ever heard mashed into one. It’s even worse than Pokemon sing-alongs! The crowd cheered and Rei stood up and took a bow. BF: Followed by another round of cheering from the men. "Rei that was marvelous!" King Bui said. "Thanks, my brother told me to sing it when–" BF: (Rei) I wanted to make people bleed through their ears... "One more princess!" yelled Bui. BF: No. One princess is enough, thank you. (I took this from Rumiko Takahashi, ish not mine ; ) BF: (alarmed) W...what?! ...She *wouldn’t*! "YAPPAPPA- YAPPAPPA- BF: She WOULD. Frolicking love is a carp in a pond. YAPPAPPA- YAPPAPPA- The sea bream of my heart wants to be embraced! Without understanding even the reason, Ranma, Ranma, it's getting dark. Ever since I met you, Ranma, Ranma, fighting about one thing or other, it's the fin de sicle! Why don't you say "I love you" more quietly? Whenever we compete, I become a shrew too! Without even ringing the bell, like a gentle breeze, you just settled into the one-room apartment of my heart. It's annoying, but ...just for tonight, it's okay (...until tomorrow, it's okay). YAPPAPPA- YAPPAPPA- A dancing kiss is a garfish in the sea. YAPPAPPA- YAPPAPPA-The horse mackerel of love is the secret ingredient! Every time you stare at me, Ranma, Ranma, I get dizzy Looks like it's becoming love. Ranma, Ranma, time out, time out, let's be friends! Wooed with such force, I fled the city of stars. The date I've dreamt of is turning out to be a marathon! Even an itchy maerchen is an aphrodisiac to a maiden.I want to be wrapped up in your gentleness I'm joking, but ...my heart's becoming transparent(...someday it'll be transparent). Every time you stare at me, Ranma, Ranma, I get dizzy. Looks like it's becoming love, Ranma, Ranma, my friend.Without understanding even the reason, Ranma, Ranma, it's getting dark. Ever since I met you, Ranma, Ranma, fighting about one thing or other, it's the fin de sicle!" BF: Wow. This is a real certified anime song, and it’s lyrics are even MORE crappy than the song before it! Now, I HAVE this song, and while it’s sorta cute, it is NOT appropriate for a) Dinner parties, and b) Fanfics in general. God, reading that was like nails on a chalkboard...people, when you plug songs into fics (and I always recommend you avoid that like the PLAGUE), try to pick something at least somewhat tasteful, yes? After this she went and played Solo Violin, the piano, and the flute. BF: She also played the kazoo. The flute was in honor of her home, her REAL home, the Land Of The Impure. BF: Oh, she’s from Las Vegas, huh? The Violin was in honor of her sisters who were killed by King Bui. BF: He sat on them. And finally the Piano was in honor of her brother. Her long lost brother. BF: Who was still waiting for them at the Lost and Found of the grocery store they lost track of him in... Rei never knew her parents. BF: They ditched that little abomination just as soon as they could. The wolf, Haru, who took her in BF: Haru? *Haru*? (turns) *You’re* in this? Since when were you a wolf? (Haru) Sadly, I am in this fic. And I was never a wolf. It’s all in her warped little mind... (BF) Must have been hard... (Haru, grimly) You should have seen her when she insisted on living off my "she-wolf’s milk". told Rei that they just threw her at at her feet and ran off. But they weren’t her real parents either. BF: What? So where ARE her real parents? And how does any of this make her a princess? (Haru) I told you, it’s all in her head. Prince Zuko was captivated by her eyes. BF: (Zuko) Hey–they’re the same color as my favorite shirt! They were so unique, none like he’d ever seen. BF: (Zuko, grossed out) Man, those are some red eyes! What, did she pop a blood vessel or something? Then Zuko oeverheard his uncle ask King Bui, "What kind of bender is she?" "She’s a sort of Avatar. BF: Sort of? You either ARE or you AREN’T. Right, Aang? (Aang) Yup. Tell it, sister! She bends Water, Earth, Fire, AND Air. Rei also has telekinesis, ESP, and the power of telepathy. She can control you without her even moving a muscle." BF: She also shoots arrows out her ears! "So, how much for her?" BF: (Bui) Depends. Is it a quickie or an all-nighter? "Well, I’m gonna kill her anyways, BF: (Bui) She always teleports to me when I’m on the pot! I’m sick of it! if Rei falls for your nephew then OK! She’s yours." BF: Quick, Zuko, flee! Run into the forest! Prince Zuko was shocked (though he as always, didn’t show it.) BF: (Zuko, thinking) Keep a calm face...don’t show them your fear... -Nice huh?--What? Who is this?--Oh, I’m sorry Prince Zuko, this is Rei. Meet me outside in five minutes.-- BF: (Zuko) GAH! THE VOICES WON’T LEAVE ME ALONE! In the Garden BF: Of Eden. "Hello Prince Zuko...I’m glad you came..." "Why did you call me out here?" BF: (Goldfinger) I have a little job for you...KILL Bond! "Prince Zuko, I want you to take me with you. King Bui is going to kill me, please Prince Zuko!" Rei clung to his arm, in tears. BF: Psst! Zuko! This is your cue to run like hell! Prince Zuko pulled away and said, "Fine! But you have to follow everything I say!" BF: What?! Zuko! (Zuko) I can’t help it...she’s *made* me say that...didn’t you hear the part about "She can control you without her even moving a muscle"? (BF) Oh god! Rei hugged Prince Zuko, "Thank you! Thank You! THANK YOU!" Then She gave him a quick kiss his cheek, Prince Zuko blushed. Hehe! Rei was 5 inches shorter than this guy! BF: (Zuko) I’m embarrassed by short people. King Bui watched this and saw the kiss. "She’s your General Iroh!" BF: (Iroh, hurt) But...that’s MY role! "Hurray!" BF: (deadpan) Boo. *** Chapter 2: "Learning" Rei went back in the castle after the party. She seemed a bit off as she stared at the moon. BF: She was drunk off her ass. "What are you thinking, Rei?" asked Prince Zuko, startling Rei. BF: (Zuko) Whoops! I meant, "ARE you thinking, Rei?" "Oh, you followed me after all?" Rei smirked. BF: (Toucan Sam) Follow your nose...wherever it goes! "Yeah, what are your thoughts?" BF: (Rei) Here, I’ll show you with a telepathic mind link. (links to Zuko) (Zuko) Wait...all I’m hearing is a flatline.... "I’m recalling a moment in my past, something strange..." BF: (Rei, thinking) Did I have Cheerios or Frosted Mini Wheats for breakfast this morning? I can’t...remember. she stayed silent for about 5 minutes. BF: During which Zuko went to the bathroom, took a leak, and came back. "Rei?" BF: Sailor Mars? "The moon shines as do your eyes. BF: The moon has craters as does your face... Your eyes, brighter than it’s radiance. BF: (oncoming driver) Geez! Switch to low-beam, will ya? Radiant movements that make even the stars curl up in envy. BF: (Star 1) I’m so envious, I’m gonna shoot down on her and take her out in a fury of flames! (Star 2) Hey, how about we just curl up instead? (Star 1) Ooh, even better! Dear sister, never change... BF: Instead, immortalize your current self through death! although you may grow into the young woman I hope you to become, BF: (Brother) With C34 size breasts...mmmm... never change. Wise beyond explanation, mature, sweet, and caring... BF: (Galadriel, miffed) These are words that should only be used to describe *me*, not some two-bit self-insertation HARLOT! To escape this dark time...never change...Rei always remember the song...Sing it only when–" BF: ...you need to defeat the Goblin Prince! Goblins HATE singing... "REI!" King Bui yelled at the top of his lungs. BF: (Bui) I swear, I have to scream to get her attention once she slips into one of her "tragic past" angst sessions. She sighed, "Be right back Prince Zuko, the king wishes to see me." Rei gracefully walked away." BF: Truly, is there any *other* way she can walk? Yes, King Bui?" "Rei! I have some tragic news." BF: (Bui) We’re all stuck in a terrible fic! "Oh?" "You’re going to travel with General Iroh and his nephew from now on." BF: (Bui) You’ll be used as the ship’s anchor! "That’s bad new–Uh! I mean, oh how tragic." BF: Wow. I haven’t seen acting *this* bad since Gwyneth Paltro and Jude Law in "Skycaptain and the World of Tomorrow"! Rei gave away one of those fake smiles. BF: And a check for a million dollars to go with it! "Yes, I know, you’re leaving tomorrow." "YES," She cheered, "–I mean, ok. I’ll go pack my bags." BF: More of that classic acting. Who did she take lessons from? J-Lo? Rei raced up to her room and glomped Zuko. BF: Heh, I would no sooner glomp Zuko than I would a cactus. "Prince Zuko! Get to travel with you!" "Uh, that’s great! Now can you get off of me?" Zuko is obviously not used to girls on top of him. BF: (grinning) Normally, they were on the bottom. "Oh! My apologies, Prince Zuko!"Rei blushed as she got off of him. The very thought of not staying with King Bui for the rest of her life made her happy. BF: I think the feeling is mutual. "Start packing then, bring everything from your clothes to your bed." BF: What? WHY does Zuko want her bringing all that crap? If this was the REAL Zuko, she would be lucky to leave with anything more than a toothbrush! Oooh, maybe he’s planning to pawn off all her stuff to make an extra buck! "Right away, Prince Zuko!" Rei got out a beige, small bag, She put in all her clothes, weapons, trinkets, and her entire bed. BF: Okay, Rei, step AWAY from the Mary Poppins. "How can ALL THAT fill in that tiny bag?" Zuko listened to himself and told himself not to do that again. BF: (Zuko, thinking) Voice, if you lisp again, there is gonna be *hell* to pay! "Ah! I guess I should explain. It’s an enchanted bag, not matter what you put in it, it won’t get bigger or heavier. BF: Sort of like those high-metabolism people that you just *hate*. Everything is in a personal space in some far away dimension. BF: The U-Haul storage facility. You only have to put something in it once and it will stay there for all eternity. Um, sort of cloned for whenever you need it. So if I want food, I just have to put my hand in this bag and take it out, even if I didn’t recently put some in. BF: (Rei) Saves me a bundle on my shopping bill! But see, if you look in it, there’s nothing there at all." BF: What’s a matter Rei, you don’t have enough god-like powers so you have to rely on a BAG to hold stuff for you? Laaame. "That’s handy." BF: Oh, wow, it’s like Zuko’s channeling Bumi and his love for corny jokes! The next day "Goodbye my love!" yelled King Bui. BF: (Bui) And good riddance! "Yeah whatever!" Rei rolled her eyes, BF: Guess Rei couldn’t keep up the exhaustive task of acting anymore. "Goodbye, Chu, BF: Here’s a kleenex. I’ll miss you. You too, Kai." Chu waved sadly, "We aren’t meant to see each other again. Goodbye , Rei." Chu’s brown hair seemed to reflect her hazel eyes, she looked so depressed that it made Rei try to reassure her that she wasn’t gone for good. BF: Although Chu was about to be... "I’ll write to you and Kai whenever I can!" BF: (Chu) No, no, I’m not sad over your departure...it’s my impending death that has me so down. Kai stood there and said, "Goodbye.."Rei waved and turned toward the Fire Nation ship,"My love.." BF: (Kai, sadly) Guess it’s back to idolizing Beyonce for me! "Prince Zuko! How are you this morning?" "As good as I’ll ever be. BF: That’s not a very good outlook. Come on, I’ll show you to your room." Zuko showed her through halls and halls, though Rei was getting dizzy, she memorized every path. BF: Those halls WERE pretty overwhelming! "Here we are." Zuko took her into a blank room. BF: "Blank room"? (Author) I meant to put parenthesis around "blank", so the readers could fill it in to their tastes, since I was too busy describing Rei’s radiance to bother with such inane details. The walls were a dull maroon color, BF: Maroon is quickly becoming a running theme here. the only thing in this room was some dust. BF: Nothing an Ionic Air Purifier won’t fix! "Thank you Prince Zuko! It was very kind of you to give me my own room!" Rei smiled and Prince Zuko immediately turned around and walked away. BF: (Zuko) Geh...got to get away. "Now to start in this room. PAINT FIRST!" BF: (Rei) This "dull maroon" SOOO isn’t working for me! It must be "bright maroon"–like my eyes! Oh! But not TOO bright, or the walls will compete with my stunning eyes for attention. Meanwhile, Prince Zuko was walking back and forth in his room, ‘Why can’t I get her out of my mind? BF: She’s like those annoying commercial jingles that stick in your head for *weeks*! She smiles and it makes me want to BF: Throw her ass overboard! make her even happier...I can’t fall in love with her either, the only reason I let her come here was so that she could help me capture the Avatar... BF: Yeah, that makes sense, since she’s practically Jesus with boobs. (pause) C34 boobs, to be precise. But.. Then what were those thoughts of MARRYING her? BF: (Zuko) I am surely going MAD! Wait...have I been bitten by anything in the past week? Well, no matter how I truly feel...I have to forget these feelings...’ BF: (Exorcist) Come out, evil luuurve demon! The power of Christ *compels* you! Prince Zuko began to meditate but then thoughts of Rei came to him, "Thank you Prince Zuko! It was very kind of you to give me my own room!" ‘Rei...’ BF: (Zuko, chuckling to himself) Heh, wait’ll she finds out I’ve locked her in and poison gas is slowly filling the room through the vents! "Whew! I finished with setting the paint! BF: At first, I sorta wondered how the hell she did that. Then I realized I didn’t care. Now to dry it..." Just then Prince Zuko came in, "Air!" Just as Rei said these words, she Air Bended and the walls were dry. Rei smiled. BF: Wow. Reading this fic is like watching paint dry. Literally. "You’re an AIR BENDER?" Zuko asked, surprised to learn of this. BF: I’m sorry, but were you at ALL paying attention last chapter? (Zuko) Che. Like I WOULD. (BF) Good point. "Uh–Yeah!" Rei replied, trying to hide the other things she can bend. BF: *How* do you hide bending abilities as through they were physical objects? Tuck them behind your back? Sweep them under the rug? (Zuko) Heeey, is this a *waterbending ability* I see in the wastebasket? (Rei) I don’t know...what you’re talking about.... "No, you’re not just an Air Bender, you’re a Water, Fire, AND Earth Bender. I heard King Bui speak of this. What’s more, you look more like a Fire bender than anything else." BF: What, is she wearing yellow contacts? How can you tell? Rei frowned. She wanted to have at least one person think that she can only bender one thing. Apparently Prince Zuko not only knew she was an Avatar-like girl, but that she was a MASTER at bending. BF: No training required, huh? Well, her instantaneous mastery of firebending is gonna put a real big stick up Zuko’s ass, that’s for sure... "Prince Zuko, I need to finish my room, can we speak about this some other time?" Zuko nodded. BF: Because interior design is SO much more important than discovering how she can use her bending powers to aid Zuko in his capture of the Avatar. "Thank you." 3 hours later... BF: (laughs) WTF... "FINISHED!" Rei yelled. Everything was perfect in her eyes. BF: In her *perfect* eyes. In the center was her bed.. It was a lilac color with her name written in blue(for water) and then maroon petals(for fire) and white(for air). On her pillows were pink petals with a leaf (for earth). BF: OMG...it’s like that awful bedspread in the back of Bed Bath & Beyond that never sells and just sits there... To the left of her bed was a chest where she kept all of her BF: Extra crap. treasures BF: Yeah...exactly what I said earlier. (shells, pictures, BF: For "viewing" pleasure, *coughcough*. Chu’s letters, BF: (Rei, reading letters) "Please help me, I’m so depressed, I think of killing myself all the time. I’m all alone and scared and I don’t know what to do." Huh. Well, she’s not praising me...what IS she talking about, then? Kai’s gifts, BF: Perfume, lacy underwear, "love gel"... poems.) BF: As long as we don’t have to hear them, I’m fine with it. Zuko came in, "Rei! I need your help!" He held Rei’s hand in his, "I need you to BF: (Zuko) Squish this icky bug! capture the Avatar." "WHAT! The Avatar? BF: (Rei, annoyed) What do we need the Avatar for? I’m MUCH cooler! Are you nuts?" BF: (Mr. Peanut) Hey! I resemble that remark! "Listen Rei," Zuko held her by the waist, BF: *GAG*! "He’s only a little boy, I think you can catch him." Rei pushed him away, she looked a bit angry, "Prince Zuko, if he’s only a little boy, I think that the prince of the Fire Nation can get him." BF: Yeah, Zuko, what’s up? (Zuko, bitterly) Acme products keep backfiring on me... "Hm, yes, but I need you. Put this on,"Zuko handed her a Fire Nation suit, BF: (rolls eyes) A *swim*suit, I bet. "It was my mother’s. Please, do this for me..." Zuko left. BF: *snort* Yeah, like Zuko’s going to hand over one of the few treasured keepsakes of his mother to some Mary Sue. Rei was unsure, but put on the suit. She frowned at the fact that the waist part was a hem bigger than her waist. ‘The belt should fix that...’ BF: (Rei) Geez, Zuko, you’re mom is a fat cow! (Gets burned alive by Zuko) Rei walked out to where Zuko was, she couldn’t help but notice that all eyes were on her. BF: Little did she know she was on "America’s Most Wanted" last night. "Rei, can you get up to that Flying Bison over there?" Zuko pointed to the big fluff ball up in the sky. BF: Stupid...that’s a cloud! Get some glasses, Zuko! "Yes...FLY!" Rei lifted off the ground, she was levitating over the ground and took off toward the bison. BF: And was sucked into the jet engine of a passing plane. THE END. Hey, I can dream, can’t I? Nothings happening so far, so you’ll have to wait for the next chapter. You’ve learned something about Rei today, BF: Yeah, she’s...how you say... "challenged". she’s SO much better than the Avatar XD BF: HELL NO. Mary-Sue powers or no, Aang could STILL kick her ass! *** Chapter 3: "A Quarrel" Rei flew up toward the figure BF: Up, up, and awaaaaay. Far, *far* away, hopefully. to find that it was empty. BF: She checked Appa’s trunk and roomy interior, but there was no one to be found! Rei looked confused, BF: *I’m* confused how Appa could be ‘empty’...unless he just had a bout of the runs... wasn’t that Avatar boy supposed to be on it? BF: He WAS scheduled for this flight, right? "Excuse me, bison, what’s your name?" BF: (Rei) Dasher? Dancer? Prancer? Cupid? Blitzen, maybe? The strange bison yawned. BF:I hear ya, big guy. "Ah, I see. BF: (Rei) You find this fic boring also! Are you going to get your owner?" BF: Actually, he was going to the car wash first. THEN he was going to pick up the kids from soccer practice. He yawned again. BF: (Rei) At least PRETEND to be interested! "Really? Tell me all you know about them." BF: (Appa, "yawning") Screw you, lady. Rei positioned herself on the saddle, BF: She was gonna ride Appa like a cheap bitch! Prince Zuko was close by on the ship. BF: (Appa, "yawning again") I hate tailgaters. She hoped she was doing the right thing, but how could she know? BF: What, omnipotence doesn’t come with this Mary-Sue model? She could read his mind and see what he’s thinking, BF: (Zuko, thinking) Sing a happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy song! Sing a happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy soooong! but that would make her meddlesome. BF: That sentence contains more cruel irony than a whole collection of Greek tragedies. The bison landed on an island where a strange little boy with an arrow on his head BF: William Tell! came running up to it, as well as a boy with a boomerang, and a girl. BF: Just some...generic girl. We don’t care about her because Rei is SO much cooler! "Hey Sokka!" yelled the boy, "There’s a cute girl here!" BF: Aang’s crush on Katara is pretty obvious, but really, this is pushing it! The one called Sokka stared at Rei, "Aang, right?" BF: (Aang, thinking) How does she know my name? Did Appa get drunk and start blabbing my secrets again? Rei asked the boy with the arrow on his head, "You’re Appa’s owner right?" BF: (Rei, frowning) You had him parked in a "red zone"...I should give you a ticket for that! Aang nodded, "Yeah–Hey! How’d you know mine and Appa’s name?" BF: (Rei) Uh, you’re wearing nametags? (Aang, looking down) Oh, right! Rei smiled and petted Appa, "He told me." BF: So she speaks bison. I guess there are weirder talents... (Bubbles) I speak Spanish AND Squirrel! "HEY!" yelled Sokka, "You’re a Fire Nation spy!" BF: (Rei) Damn! He saw through my Nose-and-Moustache gag glasses! "Sokka! I thought you knew that I would never go so low as to work for someone else! I told you so at the village." Rei smirked. BF: Huh? Sokka knows her? What village? "...Rei!" Sokka remembered her, the girl he fell in love with before Suki, "It’s been so long!" Sokka hugged her. BF: HUH? He once crushed on her? ...Well, I’m glad he got better taste. "HEY! HANDS OFF!" yelled Zuko, BF: Where did HE come from? (Zuko) I entered through the stage trapdoor, with lots of dry ice to announce my ominous presence! while pushing Sokka away from BF: himself. (Zuko) Don’t get fresh with me! Now the SoZu fans will *never* shut up! her. "Prince Zuko!" Rei glared at him, "He’s my friend! Don’t push him around like that!" BF: (Rei) That’s *my* privilege! "What do you mean don’t push him around like that? BF: (Zuko) Can I at least poke him? Pinch him? He shouldn’t be touching you!" BF: (Zuko, concerned) He might pick up some unspeakable disease! "Now, Prince Zuko," said Iroh, BF: WHERE DID IROH COME FROM!? (Iroh, cheerily) I sailed in on a weather balloon! "Don’t provoke anger." BF: Or badgers. "WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE SHOULDN’T BE TOUCHING ME?" Rei continued. BF: (Rei) That’s the way, uh-huh, uh-huh, I *like* it, I *like* it! "EXACTLY WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE!" Zuko yelled. BF: Sounds like a lisp to me, Zuko... "Oh! Yeah! Like you’re one to talk, holding my hand and waist! BF: Uh, what? Nevermind the OOC, when did that happen? Osane keeps pulling fast ones on us! Honestly Prince Zuko, with all do respect, you aren’t one to talk in this situation!" BF: (Rei) Speak when spoken to, ho! "Uh, Rei," started Katara, BF: OMG, Katara speaks! "why are you with him?" BF: Yeah, what did Zuko ever do to deserve this sort of punishment? "Katara..."Rei began, "he saved me from death." BF: That, somehow, her god-like powers could not. "Well why are you two fighting like you’re a couple BF: of morons? ?" asked Aang. "WE’RE NOT A COUPLE BF: OF MORONS! ONLY *HER*! !" yelled Zuko. "Excuse me, I think Aang here knows that!" Rei protested. BF: Soooo...I guess the previous question was just a rhetorical one? "Oh, I see. One guy isn’t enough for you?" Zuko accused BF: Miaka. (Miaka) Well, they were all so dreamy, I couldn’t *help* myself! Rei. "Huh? What do you mean One Guy?" BF: Boy, Rei doesn’t do so good with questions... (Guard) You there! What is your name? (Rei) Huh? (Guard) Your name! What is it? (Rei) ...What? (Guard) What. Is. Your. Name? (Rei) Uhhhhh...what do you mean by that? (Guard) *slaps face* "You know quite well what I mean! Let me guess, they take turns at you?" BF: She’s the village pony–everyone’s had a ride! "Prince Zuko!" Iroh yelled shocked at his nephew. BF: (Iroh) Have you been reading from her little black book? "What are you getting at? Are you saying I’m a–?" Rei began. BF: Ho? Skank? Slut? SCARLET WOMAN? "YES I AM! Who knows, maybe you sleep with all the other guys on this ship as well." BF: She’s the ship’s doorknob–everybody’s had a turn! "What do you mean? Unlike you, I still have my virginity!" BF: (Guy from the crow’s nest of Zuko’s ship in "The Hunter and the Prey") Good to know, lass! "Ch, who knows if you’re telling the truth." BF: I’ll call in some nuns, and we’ll check to see if she’s "pure". (turns to nuns) Remember, ladies: breathe on your hands before you do any probing–cold hands are very uncomfortable! "Well I am, unlike you, who lost his virginity to a BULL MACHINE!" BF: @_@;;; x10000 "WHAT?" BF: That’s what I’m saying! Even when you ignore the fact that there are no ‘bull machines’ in Avatarland, and the fact that Zuko would kill you on the spot for showing that level of disrespect, this is STILL one of the most "WTF??1!!one1" lines I’ve ever read in an Avatar fanfic! Just...just...yeah...let it go, BF, let it go. "NOW YOU TWO!" Iroh had had enough, BF: I second that! "Stop arguing or I’ll force you to sleep together." BF: T_T; Just when I thought the "bull machine" line couldn’t be topped for it’s "WTF??1!!one1" factor, Osane surprises me with THIS one. Jesus... Rei and Zuko had stopped arguing. BF: (Zuko) Uncle, are you on *crack*? "What’s this about virgeenitity?" asked Aang. BF: Heh, guess they didn’t have a "Family Life Education" program at the Southern Air Temple. "Aang, how old are you?" Rei was confused. BF: (Aang, hiding the booze behind his back) Why do you ask, hehe? "SEE! She needs to know so she can–" BF: Put the correct amount of candles on your birthday cake! started Zuko. "Zuko! You’re going to have to sleep with Rei." BF: A fate worse than death. Looks like Iroh shares his brother’s cruelty. Iroh was annoyed, BF: As am I , but really! Rei was about to protest but he held up his hand so she wouldn’t even begin. BF: (rolls eyes) Not like she was going to protest that loudly anyway. Rei sighed, she looked off into the distance, she couldn’t help but overhear Iroh dishonor Zuko. BF: (translating Fire Nation speak) Dishonor = brow beating. Rei found this island somewhat familiar. BF: Ahhh, these islands. Ya seen one, ya seen ‘em all. She calculated that the island was over 100 miles long and 7, 835 miles wide. BF: With her cybernetic brain implants. What the hell is WITH this Mary Sue? 5 hours BF: and several wacky adventures later The Avatar crew had gone to sleep, BF: Where? Rei forced Zuko to not try anything funny while she’s watching. BF: What? Why? Who? Rei sat near the ocean. BF: Yes, but WHERE? Zuko’s room? WTF is going ON? Rei felt very comfy here, she wrote a waka; BF : (Ozzy the bear) Waka waka waka! Though I am from the dark there is something misunderstood My eyes glowing from the radiance of the moon. BF: Though I read this fanfic It is something not very good My eyes burn from the narcissism Of this Mary-Sue. Prince Zuko watched her write this and sat down next to her, "Hey...Rei." BF: (Zuko) You like to talk about yourself, don’t you? "Prince Zuko..." BF: Well, at least she’s bothered to learn other character’s names. "Listen, I’m sor–" BF: "–sorta not keen on sleeping with you. So, you get the floor." Just then an ominous wolf demon came and took Rei, "See ya later loser!" He yelled. BF: @___@ x 1000000000000 (laughs) What...the...FOOK! WHERE THE HELL DID THAT COME FROM? Osane, m’dear, you are the master of surprise! (Laughs) It’s just too much....this really takes the cake....(groans) ow....my sides.... "REI!" Zuko woke his crew, "Don’t just stand there! After that thief!" BF: (still laughing) That "ominous wolf demon" thief! He had gone off with Rei. That bastard took off with Rei! Not just any girl. BF: Oh nuuuuuuuuu, not just any! Who did he think he was? BF: OMG, it’s Kouga! (fangirls) Scott McNeil, speak to me! ‘He won’t get away with her! No matter what! I will kill him!’ BF: (Inigo Montoya) You killed my father: Prepare to die. Rei had stopped, she was a bit dizzy, BF: Can’t say I blame her... she shook it off and looked at her surroundings. The boy who had stolen her looked about 17. He had brown hair and golden eyes. BF: Wow...scratch the color of the eyes and it IS Kouga! Think the author is an Inu Yasha fan? "Ah, so you’re awake. Allow me to introduce myself, my name is Jiro, from the Northern Wolf Clan." BF: Ahhhhhh, so he’s Kouga’s *cousin*. I get it now. "Wolf..Clan? A clan of wolf demons? BF: There’s only so many ways you can say it.... You mean..this is The Land of the Impure?" BF: That’s funny...I don’t remember hearing about any Wolf Demon Clans in Las Vegas... "Sure is, you’re the long lost Princess Rei. BF: "Long abandoned", you mean. Your brother and sisters have been searching for you a LONG time. BF: "Find and kill the infidel!" They’ll be back in a couple of weeks, BF: Huh? Back? Couple of weeks? (Shakes head) Nothing makes sense anymore....not that it ever did, but... but meanwhile..." he looked at Rei, "we need your help to battle those damn Weasel Demons. BF: (giggling) Along with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and the Biker Mice from Mars. You seem to have a lot of strength, but your demon powers haven’t activated yet, oh well." BF: You mean she’s going to become more powerful than she already is? WHY? She can already walk on water, does she *need* to be able to do more? "Demon powers? I’m a wolf demon?" BF: (Rei) That explains the fleas... "Yes." "That’s...awesome! BF: I bet it is, Spanky. But what will Prince Zuko think?" BF: (Rei) Am I going to have hairy legs once my wolf-powers activate? "Some prince, he’s human, you shouldn’t care." "You’re right..." BF: Yes, leave poor Zuko alone. For God’s–er–"Rei’s" sake! *** Rei’s been kidnaped, BF: Not really. >_>; Zuko’s worried as hell, BF: (Zuko, scared) She’s not going to come back, is she? I’m safe? and Jiro wants Rei to fight demons. BF: Will these demons also be Inu Yasha clones? Will they also fall in love with Rei? Next time will be a love confession, new powers, and exploding emotions. BF: *I* wanna see ‘new confession’, ‘exploding powers’, and NO emotions in any way akin to ‘love’. REVIEW, REVIEW, REVIEW! BF: Yes, I’ve seen your reviews. Your audience has you pegged, missy. You are the quintessential Mary-Sue!! *** And there you have it, folks. The most Mary-Sueish Sue to ever come into existence. I don’t think a more perfect Sue could be created without imploding the universe...let us hope it never happens. Redeeming Feature: King Bui. Because if you added an "M" in there, you would have King Bumi and he is the shiznat. Rap Sheet: ~ Has the most ultimate Sue in the known UNIVERSE. ~Contains pointless/tasteless interior design... ~ Claims Zuko lost his virginity to a "BULL MACHINE", of all god-awful things.... ~ Random wolf-demons. WTF. Credits "Rei: A New Kind of Princess!" by Osane MiSTed by Booter-Freak MiSTing concept by Best Brains Inc. Sporked at Avatar-Sues *** Just then an ominous wolf demon came and took Rei, "See ya later loser!" He yelled.