Mystery Fanfiction Theater 3000 Episode Two: "The Plot, or Something Similar, Develops" PART ONE Disclaimer: I own Evil Jason, Cytan, Galbrade, Golrem, Gittlebaum, and Golremco (God, that's a lot of G's!) . Rufus Shinra and Talon are the property of Squaresoft, and the story being ridiculed is the property of Shadow ( not used with permission, but he won't sue). Here we go... P.S.: Shadow, this is not a personal attack on you or your stories. All opinions about Shadow and his work are the opinions of the characters, not the author of this MST. The author is a fan of Shadow, but even Shadow realizes that his stories are MST-worthy... The Prologue: The year: God-Knows-When. Golremco, Reality's largest business, was facing a long and protracted trade war with Starlight, Inc. Golrem, the creator and owner of Golremco, had an idea: by finding the worst fanfiction ever written, and projecting it into the minds of all the Starlight, Inc. employees, he could cripple the opposing corporation - and then he'd rule the business world. Using the unlimited money and power of Golremco, Golrem purchased a large, self-contained space station for his test subjects. He then had his assistant, Gittlebaum, choose three well-balanced people to serve as guinea pigs for the experiments. Unfortunately, Golrem did not bother to observe the selection of said test subjects, and Gittlebaum chose the three people he hated most in all of Reality. The three thus chosen were Evil Jason, a demon in human form; Cytan, a cyborg bounty hunter; and Rufus Shinra, the CEO of Shinra Industries. Later, a vampire by the name of Galbrade Ralemid was added to their number at Golrem's whim. The test subjects were teleported into the space station (which they dubbed the Satellite of Weird), and forced to view whatever horrible fanfiction Golremco could find. Their only means of escape would be to go insane. And the one person who didn't want them insane (the computer, Talon) also didn't give a damn about them. This is not exactly the best of predicaments, is it? Thus begins MFT3K... (Scene: In Evil Jason's bedroom, aboard the Satellite of Weird. There is only the slightest of differences between this room and the Countess of Bathory's torture chambers. The demon in question is currently seated on his bed, reading something. Although we cannot see what it is, we can tell that it's bad, as his face reflects disgust. Even with his shades, it's clear that he isn't enjoying it. Cytan enters, adjusting his hat.) CYTAN: I thought I heard a scream earlier... What are you doing? EVIL JASON: *He lowers the document he's reading.* Oh, hello. I'm reading an absolutely horrible fanfic that Talon pulled up for me. CYTAN: We get enough of that when Golrem sends us his little experiments. Why in the name of the machine gods would you read one now? EVIL JASON: Well, you see... *He blinks.* Machine gods? CYTAN: Yeah, there are a couple in the lower pantheon. Now answer my question. EVIL JASON: *He shakes his head and resumes.* I decided that by reading horrible fiction in my downtime, I could build up resistance to the stuff Golrem sends us. Besides, at least this way I can toss the story aside when I couldn't take anymore. CYTAN: Good plan. I'd do that, but I just defragged my logic processors. So, what are you reading? EVIL JASON: *His face contorts into a pained look.* Kuja/Zidane slash. CYTAN: Ouch... *Sweatdrop* And what about Rufus? He undergoing torture? EVIL JASON: Yeah, I gave him "Something Under the Bed is Drooling". CYTAN: *His non-scanner eye widens.* You gave the most commited yaoi hater on the Satellite a piece of Calvin and Hobbes slash?!? EVIL JASON: *Sweatdrop* Oops... (A scream comes from Rufus' room, down the hall. A yellow light flashes in the hallway.) TALON: *Over the loudspeakers* Emergency. Emergency. This is an emergency going on. It's still going on. And it's still an emergency. Rufus Shinra has collapsed in his bedroom. Not that I care, but he's your friend. Thought you'd like to know. (Cytan and Evil Jason jump up and run out of the room. A couple minutes later... Cut to: The bridge. Cytan and Evil Jason are carrying a passed-out Rufus Shinra. He still has a sheaf of papers in a deathgrip. They lay him out on Talon's console-table.) TALON: Guys, I don't appreciate having him on my console. EVIL JASON: Shut it, Talon. TALON: Oh, really... (A white light flashes, causing Evil Jason to scream in pain and Cytan to jerk spasmatically. The light fades, and the captives glare at the table.) TALON: See what I mean? CYTAN: We hate you. TALON: And the feeling is mutual. Hang on, the bosses are calling... (The viewscreen activates, and Golrem is seated on his throne. His sunglasses are off, causing him to stare through his gold eyes at the assembled captives. He has a cigar in one hand, but doesn't bother smoking it - he never smokes in front of his victims. Gittlebaum is not currently onscreen.) GOLREM: Ah, my little test subjects... *He stops and stares at Rufus.* What happened to Mr. Shinra? CYTAN: He ate something that didn't like the idea. GOLREM: Will he be okay? We can't afford to lose a experiment subject at this point. EVIL JASON: We think so. GOLREM: *He leans forward a bit.* What's that in his hand? CYTAN: The stock reports from Nibelheim. His shares are down 25% in the second quarter. GOLREM: *He laughs in amusement, and then looks straight at them.* Well, once he wakes up, tell him that I'll ship some antacids over. As for your next experiment... (Rufus shakes himself awake, and slips off the console table onto his feet.) RUFUS: God, I want to kill that guy... EVIL JASON: *He makes a silent "don't start" signal with his hands, which Rufus picks up.* GOLREM: Welcome back to the land of the conscious, Mr. Shinra. Now, as I was saying... RUFUS: Oh, damn, I woke up in time for the experiment? GOLREM: Indeed. Now stop interrupting me. As I was SAYING, we're sending up a new test subject. CAPTIVES: WHAT?!? GOLREM: Yes, I noticed that the balance of test subjects aboard your little satellite was not, shall we say, balanced. There's an immortal... *Evil Jason nods.* A mortal with enhancements... *Cytan nods.* And a mere mortal. *Rufus looks offended.* But we needed a limited immortal, an... undead, so to speak. CYTAN: Like a vampire? *He snickers.* GOLREM: Exactly. (The crew of the SOW stare at the viewscreen. Sweatdrops abound.) GOLREM: I see you're not too receptive to the idea. However, I'm in control here. Gittlebaum, bring in Mr. Ralemid. (Gittlebaum wheels in a large, mobile stretcher. Strapped to it, and gagged as well, is a man who appears to be in his mid-20s. He has white hair and is dressed in very neutral clothing. Currently, he is fighting at his straps.) GITTLEBAUM: Meet Galbrade Ralemid, an energy vampire from the dimension of Talmargor. EVIL JASON: A Talmargorian vampire? Are you mad? RUFUS: *To Cytan* What's Talmargor? CYTAN: *To Rufus* A dimension that contains a large number of vampires. No mortal has ever gone there and come back with their mortality intact. RUFUS: *To Cytan* So, we're screwed, then. CYTAN: *To Rufus* Pretty much. GOLREM: Don't worry, my lab rats. The energy fields aboard your satellite will cut off Mr. Ralemid's feeding cycle. He will not need to feed while the experiments are active. Now, then... Gittlebaum, send Mr. Ralemid to the satellite. GITTLEBAUM: Yes, sir. *He presses a switch on the stretcher.* (Galbrade vanishes from the stretcher and reappears on the SOW's bridge, instantly tearing off his gag. He instinctively attempts to take a deep breath, but then stops.) GALBRADE: Was all that strapping really necessary? GITTLEBAUM: Well, we didn't want to take risks. After all, a man who drains energy with his touch is a dangerous one indeed. GALBRADE: I know for a fact that the guards would've taken my head off if I tried it. GOLREM: Shut up. Gittlebaum, tell them what the experiment is for this session. GALBRADE: Experiment? *Cytan suddenly extends a needle from his arm and jabs Galbrade in the neck. After a few seconds, the vampire's expression changes to understanding.* Oh, I see. EVIL JASON: What'd you do? CYTAN: I instant-transmitted the basics of our situation into his mind. GITTLEBAUM: *He clears his throat loudly, capturing the captive's attention.* Your experiment this time is a bit off the beaten track. It's not a lemon... EVIL JASON/CYTAN/RUFUS: YES! GITTLEBAUM: But it's remarkably similar. It's called "The Laws of Lemons", and it was written by Shadow. GOLREM: (Surprised) Really? I like his work. GITTLEBAUM: (Nervous) Of course, this one is not quite up to the brilliantly high calibur of his other works... CAPTIVES: Suck-up. GITTLEBAUM: SHUT UP! GOLREM: Enjoy it while you can, my playthings. Gittlebaum, send them the fic. (Gittlebaum walks over to the download console. He sighs, opens the hatch, tosses in the documents, and slams the hatch shut.) TALON: Receiving document... 45%, 67%, 89%... Document received. (The fanfic sign goes off.) GALBRADE: What the hell is that?!? RUFUS: Fanfic sign. Let's go. (Rufus and Cytan grab Galbrade by the arms and drag him toward the theater...) (The first door is blocked by a large stone. Galbrade shoves it aside with vampiric might and they pass through it.) (The second door is sideways in the wall. The captives walk up the wall next to it, go horizontal, and walk on.) (The third door is a spinning door like the one in most boutiques. Galbrade gets stuck in it, but they pull him out.) (The fourth door has a musical lock. Rufus taps out the code, "Sympathy for the Devil", and it swings open. (The fifth door is guarded by Al Bhed machina. Cytan has a nice chat with them until the others drag him away.) (The sixth door is made of steel and welded into the wall. Evil Jason hacks it to pieces with a Domina-Slash and they walk into the theater...) (The four captives take their seats. As usual: Evil Jason, Rufus, Cytan, and Galbrade. There is still an empty seat to Evil Jason's left.) EVIL JASON: Get comfortable, I think this'll be a long one. GALBRADE: What is up with those doors? CYTAN: Insanity measure. >Laws of Lemons GALBRADE: What's a "lemon"? The only lemons I know are good with tea. RUFUS: SHHHH! Do you want Shadow to sue us? >(Note: these laws apply to lemons based on anime series and not original lemons, EVIL JASON: Is there really such a thing as an "original lemon"? CYTAN: Fanfiction.net, Original, Short Story, NC-17. Enough said. > although much of the same laws still apply...) RUFUS: Bad grammar! Minus one point! GALBRADE: I get the feeling that lemons are a bad thing... CYTAN: Correct, vampire boy. >1. If there are two characters who dislike each other, they will have sex. EVIL JASON: Like most of the Street Fighter characters? GALBRADE: Hmm... why would they have sex if they don't like each other? CYTAN: Because it's a lemon. GALBRADE: I still don't get it. >2. If there are two characters who hate each other, they will have sex. GALBRADE: Like Lord Nimbus and Herneson? (He thinks about it, and then shudders...) I did not need those images. ((Author's note: Just a little BloodRaven humor...)) EVIL JASON: That would explain the Ash/Gary lemons, then. >3. If there are two characters who, in a million years, would NEVER have sex, >they will have sex. RUFUS: (Cologne) Son-in-law! I need a little "attention" here... CYTAN: AAAAAAAAHHH! Don't even suggest that! >4. If there are two characters who have repressed feelings for each other, they will suddenly realize >the other loves them and then have sex. GALBRADE: Much like real life, except more creatively bankrupt and pointless. RUFUS: Now you're getting the hang of it, Kid Alucard. >5. If two characters are simply friends, they will have sex. EVIL JASON: Hold it! That justifies the Sailor Senshi orgy fics! CYTAN: (Shifts into "Immature" mode) Now we can indulge ourselves with schoolgirl porn and not get arrested! YES! GALBRADE: Sailor... Senshi? *Arches an eyebrow* CYTAN: (Normal) Oh. They don't have Sailor Moon in Talmargor, do they? >6. If one character is involved with another character, they will secretly >want a third character, and will later have sex with that third character. RUFUS: Also known as the "Ranma" rule. GALBRADE: Ranma? What is that? EVIL JASON: An anime series about a boy who turns into a girl whenever he falls into cold water. GALBRADE: *He thinks.* You people are weird. RUFUS/EVIL JASON/CYTAN: Well, duh. >7. If there is a sexually repressed character anywhere in the series, >they will observe or take part in a sexual act and immediately become a >sex-starved individual. CYTAN: Thus creating a profile even the best psychiatrist would cry when faced with. GALBRADE: I assume that by "sexually repressed", they're talking spinster-type... >7a. If that character is a boy, he will have sex with the person he either >hates the most ~OR~ secretly harbors feelings for. RUFUS: Oh, this isn't meant to be taken seriously? I see... EVIL JASON: Let's call this one the "Ash Ketchum" rule. After all, 90% of lemons with him either have him banging Misty or Gary... 7b. If that character is a girl, she will become a sex-starved nymph and bang everyone in sight, GALBRADE: Sounds like Halidai... *Sobs a bit, and then recovers* RUFUS: (To the others) I suggest we not ask. (Aloud) I doubt that any girl would become Nurse Noriko from one round of sex. >unless she harbors feelings for another character, EVIL JASON: Ah, an exception clause? >in which case she will simply become that character's personal sex toy. CYTAN: And to the constant chagrin of lemon readers, this usually requires serious OOC-ness. RUFUS: I can't recall any lemon that followed this rule... >8. If there is a boy who is masturbating and he is caught by a girl, GALBRADE: He will grow embarassed, pull up his pants and run. CYTAN: No, Galbrade, that only applies to real life. >they will have sex. RUFUS: Of course. EVIL JASON: This is starting to read like "California Dreaming"... >9. If there is a girl who is masturbating, the boy will watch her and >masturbate as well. RUFUS: Well, this one's true to life, at least... GALBRADE: Afterwards, the girl will question the stain on the boy's pants... > The girl will later catch him and he will admit to CYTAN: A triple murder. >watching her, and they will have sex. EVIL JASON: Or she'll beat the crap out of him, whichever comes first. >10. If the boy walks in on the girl masturbating, GALBRADE: He will put his life in his hands. RUFUS: As well as other things... GALBRADE: *Moans* I walked into that one... > she will be very angry and throw him out, EVIL JASON: Much like in real life... >and later they will have sex EVIL JASON: ...Not like in real life. GALBRADE: I'm noticing a pattern so far... >~OR~ the girl will be angry at first, CYTAN: And that anger will be nurtured, and used to destroy the poor lad... EVIL JASON: A la "Shadow Hearts". >then very turned-on and they will have sex. RUFUS: You can almost taste the implausability. EVIL JASON: I get it - these are all fanfiction cliches, and he simply wrote them down! What a cheap move! CYTAN: We're talking about the guy who wrote P:tNP... We can grant him a pass on this one. >11. If there are two girls who are just friends, they will have sex. GALBRADE: That doesn't really make sense... RUFUS: Needle in a haystack, buddy. Needle in a haystack. >12. If there are two girls who are enemies, they will realize they >love each other and have sex. EVIL JASON: (Ryoko) Ayeka, you stupid bitch, why don't you please kiss me? CYTAN: (Ayeka) Well, demon, you can - WHAT?!? > This includes sudden realizations of love, RUFUS: A.K.A. "Love as lightbulb". GALBRADE: I have to go acclimate myself to this culture. See you at intermission. *He walks out.* >one girl saving the other's life, CYTAN: (Jesse of Team Rocket) Wow, Misty, you saved me from that hole-digging device gone berserk! Now please sleep with me! > or one girl consoling the other after >the second girl realizes the male love of her life is cheating on her, EVIL JASON: I refer you now to any number of Tenchi Muyo lemons. >marrying another, RUFUS: (Shampoo) Shampoo not understand why Ranma choose Akane... CYTAN: (Kodachi) I'm sorry. Wanna get tied up with ribbons? >or tells her he doesn't like her. CYTAN: The Dragon Warrior VII cast comes to mind. >13. Boy/boy sex will occur under similar instances as girl/girl sex, RUFUS: If he gets into detail, I will find him and shoot him. EVIL JASON: The grammar in this fic is rapidly approaching lemon level... >except boys don't need consoling if the girl they like is cheating on >him, CYTAN: So, a boy doesn't need consoling if the girl more than one boy likes is cheating on one of them? EVIL JASON: The American education system at work. > marrying another, RUFUS: (Ranma, crying) Why, Akane, why? CYTAN: (Happosai) I'm sorry. Wanna try on some panties? RUFUS: EEEEEAAAAGGGGHHHH! Don't DO that! > or tells him she doesn't like him. EVIL JASON: Ash Ketchum rule number two. > Boys would rather hit something or get drunk when this happens RUFUS: Ah, a concession to real life... or maybe Reno... >(being drunk often leads to sex in all aspects of life, lemony or otherwise). EVIL JASON: This reminds me of the time I got smashed in a bar in Harriendos and wound up on top of a fish truck with some strange robot chick... CYTAN: *Stares at him* EVIL JASON: She said something about needing 10,000 friends or something... I jumped off the truck and went home. CYTAN: You do know you're blowing out my oddness sensors, right? >14. If there is a quiet, shy character in the series, she will follow a >similar path as the sexually repressed character. RUFUS: What was that again? EVIL JASON: Nymphomaniac. RUFUS: Ah, more OOC goodness. > However, if a boy is shy and quiet, he will have a large penis. ALL: *They stare, and then laugh their asses off* >15. All boys will have a large penis. RUFUS: That would explain why T.K. was so well-hung in "Truth or Dare"... oh, God, I just said "well-hung"... EVIL JASON: Relax, confirmed yaoi hater. >16. All girls will have breasts that are larger than they first appear to be. CYTAN: This would be the "Misty" rule. RUFUS: Agreed. For god's sakes, she's flat! GALBRADE: *He walks in, the doors not having restrained him.* You have a weird culture. So, where are we? CYTAN: Rule #17. EVIL JASON: We appear to be getting into details. >17. All girls will be virgins. ALL: *They stare at the screen, mute.* RUFUS: Even Tifa? CYTAN: I'd assume so. EVIL JASON: Sadly, that one's FAR too common... >17a. All girls who aren't virgins will have more experience than a >Times Square hooker. RUFUS: Ever since the Disneyfication, this one's been outdated... GALBRADE: Most of my acclimatization was in pop culture. What's Times Square? >18. All girls who are virgins will think their male counterpart's penis >is "the biggest they've ever seen!" EVIL JASON: Ah, like in "Truth or Dare"! GALBRADE: Common sense dictates that this is true... >Since they're virgins, this is >probably true. GALBRADE: Like I said. CYTAN: Come ON... even most virgin girls have seen porn nowadays. They've probably seen guys who require forklifts... >This, of course, still doesn't detract from how stupid it sounds. RUFUS: He makes a good point. Then again, flattery is everything. EVIL JASON: What sort of girl would say that, anyway? >19. All girls who are virgins will be experts at blowjobs, CYTAN: Because girls are born with expertise at blowjobs. EVIL JASON: Well, succubi are, but they don't quite count as "girls"... > and will have >no trouble putting a boy's penis in their mouth and swallowing their sperm. RUFUS: *He turns slightly green...* Ugggghhh... GALBRADE: What's wrong with him? EVIL JASON: He's the resident yaoi hater. The constant reference to male genitals is affecting him. >19a. Girls who are virgin blowjob experts who DON'T swallow will have >the sperm shot onto their face, breasts, and/or hair, and they will enjoy it. CYTAN: Cumshots are surprisingly rare in the fanfiction world... RUFUS: Which just goes to show that there is a difference between porn and lemons. >20. Girls who are virgin blowjob experts will always be able to deepthroat, EVIL JASON: Because in lemons, there's no such thing as the gag reflex. CYTAN: Or choking, for that matter. >regardless if their first partner is a human, dog, horse, or any other >being with a large phallus. RUFUS: Please... don't put a bestiality reference in this... please... GALBRADE: This document bears little resemblance to reality. EVIL JASON: Whoop-de-shit, vampire boy. >21. Virgin girls will always give the boy a blowjob before intercourse >as a way of lubricant, CYTAN: Couldn't they just use WD-40? EVIL JASON/RUFUS/GALBRADE: *They stare at him* CYTAN: What? I'm a cyborg! > and will not give any mind to their natural vaginal liquids EVIL JASON: Nor will they give them any matter. RUFUS: Although they do give them a nice ham on Christmas. GALBRADE: You people are creeping me out... > that should have been generated by foreplay. CYTAN: Foreplay? It doesn't exist in the fanfiction universe. EVIL JASON: Bet we see that rule later. >22. The word "pussy" will be used frequently. ALL: Pussy! Pussy! Pussy! Pussy! GALBRADE: I have a feeling it doesn't mean "cat" the way you use it... >23. The breaking of the hymen will never deter the female from completing >intercourse, RUFUS: Though it will sting like a mother. >even though it will hurt like a bitch. RUFUS: Exactly. CYTAN: Hold it! In real life, most women break their hymens by accident, or during times of high activity, and some women are born without hymens in the first place! GALBRADE: Tell it to the lemon authors. They deal in myth, friends. >24. Virgin boys will never prematurely ejaculate. EVIL JASON: Because if they did, their first time would be their last... RUFUS: (Ash Ketchum) Sorry, Misty! I got a bit exi- Wait, what's with the butcher knife? AAAAGGHHH! >22. Virgin boys will always ejaculate more sperm than is humanly possible. CYTAN: Like that scene in "Scary Movie"? GALBRADE: (spooky voice) When the man ejaculates like the donkey, the end is near... >23. The word "load" will be used frequently. ALL: Load! Load! Load! Load! RUFUS: Hey, Evil Jason, we sound like you yelling at the PS2! EVIL JASON: Well, if Maximo could just load faster... >24. Virgin boys will always regain an erection within the space of a >few minutes. CYTAN: Of course they do! How could we have both oral sex and full intercourse in one lemon otherwise? >Less time is necessary if they're having sex with their true love. EVIL JASON: Presumably since there's some sort of pheromone in the air. GALBRADE: Reminds me of some times with Halidai... *Weeps* TALON: *Lowers a mechanical arm with a Kleenex, which Galbrade takes and dabs his eyes with* >25. No matter how big a penis is, it will always fit. EVIL JASON: Because girls are the Abyss. TALON: Intermission. Please exit the theater. RUFUS: An intermission? Really? TALON: Golrem's idea. He got it from medieval torturers who let a bit of time pass between whippings. GALBRADE: Let's go, then. (The captives get up, brush off, and head for the doors. The doors haven't had time to reset, so nothing gets in the way.) (Scene: Galbrade's room. There's a definite preference towards bronzework in here. The vampire in question is busy hanging a poster over his bed. While balancing on the end of the bed, he doesn't notice Cytan walking in.) CYTAN: So, newbie, how are you adjusting to life aboard the SOW? GALBRADE: *He manages to keep his balance.* Pretty well, I think. I still don't get the idea behind this whole "lemon torture" plan, though... CYTAN: I personally believe Golrem was bored. He has a lot of money and far too much free time on his hands. GALBRADE: Yeah, I thought as much. Changing the subject, you have a definitely weird culture... CYTAN: It comes with the territory. So... I have to ask this... GALBRADE: *He finishes adjusting the poster.* Ask away. CYTAN: Are you... well... normal? (The poster unrolls, revealing that it depicts a naked Mina Harker. Cytan sweatdrops.) GALBRADE: What exactly do you mean by that? CYTAN: o_o;; Never mind, my question is answered. (Cut to: Golremco Headquarters, Golrem's office. Reality's richest man is currently on the phone; Gittlebaum attempts to listen in.) GOLREM: Yes, Mr. Hutch? ...You must be joking, Mr. Hutch. *He sweatdrops.* Are you serious? GITTLEBAUM: Sir, what's wrong? GOLREM: *He jumps up and is now standing on his chair.* WHAT?!?... What?... What?!?... what? *He sighs.* Very well, Mr. Hutch. *He hangs up.* GITTLEBAUM: Sir, what was that? GOLREM: *He drops back into his chair.* That was the security director, Mr. Hutch. Gittlebaum, order a lockdown, Starlight Incorporated is attacking us again. GITTLEBAUM: 0_0;;; GOLREM: My thoughts exactly. (Cut to: the bridge of the SOW. Evil Jason, Rufus, and Talon are playing Chu Chu Rocket!; the link cable passes into Talon's console, thus allowing him to play via his CPU. Judging by Evil Jason and Rufus' expressions, Talon is good at this.) EVIL JASON: Damn it! RUFUS: For Christ's sake...! TALON: I warned you I was good at this. *The console beeps.* Damn, Golremco's calling. (The viewscreen activates, and Golrem is shown seated in his throne. The wall behind him is now covered in a number of TV screens, and Golremco soldiers/employees are running around. Golrem manages to look calm anyway.) GOLREM: Enjoy the intermission, lab rats? RUFUS: About as much as I enjoy projectile vomiting. GOLREM: How... graphic. *A large cannon rolls behind him.* EVIL JASON: What's going on over there? GOLREM: Just another hostile takeover attempt. Nothing to worry about, it should be settled soon. Either way, intermission is over... (A large group of Golremco soldiers jog past the viewscreen's camera.) OFFICER: Hup-two-three-four! Hup-two-three-four! Come on, men, we're gonna shoot us some Starlight ass! (The soldiers pass the camera, revealing that Golrem has developed a massive sweatdrop.) GOLREM: Well... back to the theater, then. (The fanfic sign goes off again, and the captives head into the theater...) (The doors are showing signs of regeneration, but they're not ready yet...) EVIL JASON: I wonder if the doors stay the same after intermissions. GALBRADE: I'd rather not know. (The captives reach the theater and settle into their chairs.) CYTAN: All right, let's kick it! *INTERRUPT TRANSMISSION* TRUE DAREM: What just happened?!? ENGINEER: Bah, we ran outta space! TRUE DAREM: Damn it. Okay, put up the placeholder... (TO BE CONTINUED) Author's Note: Due to my hardware limitations (effin' Notepad limit), I was forced to break this MST into two parts. Please refer to Part 2 for the rest of our story.