Mystery Fanfiction Theater 3000 Episode Two: "The Plot, or Something Similar, Develops" PART TWO Author's Note: The disclaimer and prologue can be found in Part 1. LAST TIME: A vampire by the name of Galbrade Ralemid was sent to the Satellite of Weird by Golremco. The captives were then sent into the theater to view "The Laws of Lemons", by Shadow. During the intermission, Golrem learned that his old rival company, Starlight, Inc., was attacking Golremco Headquarters. We resume in the theater... >26. Vaginas are bottomless pits. CYTAN: This is true, as far as lemons go. RUFUS: Especially in the world of Neo Cactuar. >It doesn't matter if the female is 10 years old and the male has a horse penis, it will all fit inside. GALBRADE: Isn't this exactly the same as the last rule? EVIL JASON: *Looks closely* You're right, it is! Okay, Shadow, we know your tricks now! RUFUS: Hmm... 10 years old? Like Sasami? *Suddenly turns green and passes out* CYTAN: A victim of his own dirty mind... poor bastard. >27. Anal sex will often occur after vaginal sex, EVIL JASON: *Stares* Okay, when did we get into this? RUFUS: *Wakes up* It's the natural progression. CYTAN: Hey, this rule's wrong! Most hetero lemons don't involve anal sex! RUFUS: But those that do are covered. >and will never require anything more than a few strokes in the girl's vagina for lubricant. GALBRADE: Because all assholes are self-lubricating. CYTAN: Hmm... you're ri- OH, GOD! RUFUS: A pervert after my own heart... >28. Virgin girls will be in extreme pain when they first try anal sex, EVIL JASON: Especially when rule #15 is in play. >but will quickly orgasm from it. CYTAN: Sluts. RUFUS: Whores. GALBRADE: Daughters of Slaanesh. EVIL JASON: *Surprised* Where'd you hear about 40K? GALBRADE: Talon had me play a couple of games during my acclimazation process. TALON: Yeah, I play the Orkz, usually. >29. Anal sex will always result in the boy's penis coming out sparkling >clean, and often smelling of perfume. RUFUS: I've noted that myself. Apparently, enemas are popular in the lemon universe. CYTAN: Not to mention covered in friction burns. >30. Foreplay is a myth. Bad foreplay is the standard. EVIL JASON: I was right - he did make that a rule. GALBRADE: Foreplay is more of a modern invention, really... >32. CYTAN: Hold it! Where's rule #31?!? RUFUS: And while we're on the subject, the numbers skipped back to 22 a while back! >Girls will always climax. EVIL JASON: Well, it's only fair. You have to bend reality somewhat. >Never mind if their true love is bad in bed, they will orgasm simply because he is her true love. CYTAN: Let's just ignore the fact that nobody is bad in bed in the lemon universe. >33. Orgasms will always be the most intense in recorded history, GALBRADE: The hell? RUFUS: Okay, Shadow wrote that one after reading "Love in the Forest" - and nothing else. EVIL JASON: Outdated rule! Minus a point! >but only if the two having sex are true loves. CYTAN: Because true hate never gets you off. EVIL JASON: I'll have to debate that rule. GALBRADE: Suddenly, I'm getting quite annoyed with the author. >33a. If the orgasm is not the most intense in recorded history, RUFUS: It's a wasted effort. >the female will experience multiple orgasms. GALBRADE: Despite the fact that multiple orgasms are rarer than demonic romance novels. EVIL JASON: How do you know that? GALBRADE: All demons are male, aren't they? EVIL JASON: Yeah, you're right... CYTAN: *Stares* How do you guys reproduce? EVIL JASON: Long story. >34. If another girl walks in on two characters having sex, RUFUS: A pillow will get thrown at her. CYTAN: At the least. >they will have a threesome. GALBRADE: And again we diverge with reality. EVIL JASON: Reality is what we make of it. >35. All girls involved in a threesome will have no previous lesbian >experience, CYTAN: Of course, this will not stop them from trying, no matter how homophobic they are. >and will still be experts in performing oral sex on the other. RUFUS: Because lesbianism, like blowjobs, is a skill all girls have from birth. >36. All girls involved in a threesome will 69. EVIL JASON: I've always thought that was a strange thing. RUFUS: I'm getting some very good images right now. Shut up. >This isn't just a law, it's a rule. GALBRADE: Isn't a law more powerful than a rule? EVIL JASON: Not in Shadow's universe. >37. If there is a girl a boy likes and she is bitchy, he will rape her. CYTAN: *Sweatdrop* Okkkkaaayyyy... Let's back slowly away from the fic now. RUFUS: First the basics, then the virgins, then the lesbians, now the rapes... Well, he's systematic, at least... >38. All girls who are raped will eventually enjoy it and come to love >their rapist. EVIL JASON: Okay, that rule is so wrong. I have never read a rape fic where the girl fell for her rapist... GALBRADE: *He starts to mutter incoherently...* >39. All bitchy girls will be natural dominatrixes. RUFUS: So that means that Marina from Dragon Warrior VII wants to make Kiefer her slave? EVIL JASON: *He thinks for a couple of minutes, and then shudders...* You're a bastard, Rufus. RUFUS: And proud of it. >40. All bitchy girls will have a secret submissive side that will be >brought out by the boy when he rapes her. CYTAN: Odds of that being true: 0.00005 percent. GALBRADE: *His muttering grows louder...* EVIL JASON: What's wrong with him? >41. If there are multiple male characters (they don't have to have names) >they will gangrape a bitchy girl, and she will enjoy it. RUFUS: Of course, because a classic in hentai is the multiple-nameless-male/one-girl gangbang. However, those are consentual most of the time... CYTAN: I think one of my sensors is starting to corrupt. GALBRADE: *He begins to shake slightly...* >42. If multiple male characters gangrape a shy girl, EVIL JASON: She'll put the gun barrel to her head. RUFUS: No, that's real life. This is lemons. > she will enjoy it and become a sex toy. GALBRADE: *He snaps.* WHAT THE FUCK IS HE TALKING ABOUT?!? DOES HE EVEN READ LEMONS?!? THIS WHOLE GODDAMN DOCUMENT IS WRONG! NO GIRL HAS EVER ENJOYED HERSELF IN A RAPE FIC! I SHOULD KNOW! I STUDIED FIFTEEN GODDAMN RAPE FICS DURING MY ACCLIMATIZATION! FUCK YOU, SHADOW, AND THE GODDAMN HORSE YOU RODE IN ON! *He passes out...* RUFUS: Poor guy. The experience got to him. EVIL JASON: He just isn't as used to this sort of thing as we are. And having to read fifteen rape fics... Talon, were you trying to kill him? TALON: I just wanted to keep him from having to unlive through the process of reading the experiment. CYTAN: We'll let him rest for now. We'll have to make it up to him later. >43. If there is a catgirl in the series, she will have sex, and often. EVIL JASON: *Sweatdrop* Let's make sure my friend Jynx Kitty never sees the Law of Lemons, then. CYTAN: Jynx Kitty? You mean the half-cat? EVIL JASON: Yep. His girlfriend's a catgirl. RUFUS: That would be a bad thing. >44. If there are two characters that are related in any way, they will >have sex. CYTAN: It's a good thing that Galbrade's unconscious. RUFUS: So we now add incest to the list of perversions covered... This is starting to read like the Marquis de Sade's laundry list. EVIL JASON: Oh, god... I remember reading "Lonly Brothers"... CYTAN: (Concerned) Fight it back! Fight it back! >45. If a boy or girl has a good-looking parent (never mind what gender) RUFUS: They'll hate them severely. EVIL JASON: Technically, demons don't have parents. GALBRADE: *Wakes up* Agghh... >they will have sex. ALL: We know. We know. >46. If there is an underage character, she will be molested by her parent(s). GALBRADE: *Sweatdrop* I should've stayed unconscious. CYTAN: We are now entering the land of pedophila. Please check your sanity at the door. >47. If there is an underage character who is friends with a legal-age >character, EVIL JASON: Okay, all who don't see where this is going, raise your hands. *All hands remain down.* EVIL JASON: Thought so. >they will have sex. ALL: We know! We know! GALBRADE: This is like reading the Elenium! >48. STDs are a myth. They were wiped out with the plague. CYTAN: A confirmed lemon factoid, at least... EVIL JASON: I was in England during the plague. It was a fun time to be immortal. >49. Condoms are unnecessary, characters will only get pregnant when they >choose to. RUFUS: They choose to surprisingly often, though. At least as far as Cloud and Tifa are concerned. >And finally... GALBRADE: At last, it's almost over! EVIL JASON: So, what bon mot of wisdom does Shadow choose to exit with? >50. If there are ANY characters, at ANY time, in ANY series, THEY WILL HAVE SEX! ALL: (Deadpan) Yay. Whoopee. CYTAN: How cliche. RUFUS: Shadow, you suck. EVIL JASON: Well, besides the obvious errors, this was at least mildly entertaining. So, how are you holding up, Galbrade? GALBRADE: Please stake me. EVIL JASON: Maybe later. Let's go. (The captives get up and head for the doors...) (The sixth door has undergone a "metal to wood" spell. One shot from Cytan's flamethrower burns it to ashes.) (The fifth door's Al Bhed machina are being dismantled by Rikku. The captives beat her ass and move on.) (The fourth door is playing "Forever Young". The captives pass it after a quick listen.) (The third door is still a spinning door. Again, Galbrade gets stuck, and Evil Jason has to pull him loose.) (The second door has turned upside-down. It opens, and the captives walk out on the ceiling. Walking down the wall, they reach the floor and move on.) (The large stone blocking the first door is blown away with one of Cytan's rockets. After the smoke clears, they walk out...) (Cut to: the bridge. Galbrade is leaning on the non-console part of the main table. The others are gathered around him.) RUFUS: So, newbie, how was the first fanfic? GALBRADE: I want to die. Again. CYTAN: Come on, it wasn't THAT bad! GALBRADE: Please destroy me. EVIL JASON: I kinda liked it! GALBRADE: I want death. TALON: Oh, come on... I made you read Temptations #3, remember? It wasn't worse than THAT... (Galbrade breaks into sobbing, as the other captives glare at Talon's console.) CYTAN: You WHAT? RUFUS: The "squicking" hentai?!? EVIL JASON: (Slugger O'Toole) Ye dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty... (The three head toward Talon's console, only to have the white light go off, causing everyone - Galbrade included - to go into fits of pain. The light goes off, and they recover...) RUFUS: Owww... GALBRADE: I feel better now, for some reason... TALON: *The console beeps.* Message from Golremco, hang on... (The viewscreen activates, and it's now clear that Golrem's office has become a warzone. Squads of soldiers from both Golremco and Starlight, Inc. are shooting it out, using the room's decor for cover. Golrem himself is crouching on his throne, protected by an invisible force field. Gittlebaum is nowhere to be seen.) GOLREM: Greetings, my little test subjects. How did you enjoy today's experiment? RUFUS: Ah, 'twas a sna- *He is muffled by Galbrade and Cytan.* EVIL JASON: You're getting worse. GOLREM: I see. I'll have to up the ante... *A grenade sails over the throne and explodes in midair.* CYTAN: What the hell is going on over there? GOLREM: Nothing, really, just the latest battle in the Golremco/Starlight trade wars. (A group of Golremco soldiers charge past the camera, only to be forced back by Starlight, Inc. solders. One of the Starlight Inc. soldiers turns to the viewscreen.) SOLDIER: Kill the cameras! (He opens fire. The viewscreen shorts out. The captives simply stare.) RUFUS: Is that a good thing? EVIL JASON: I think so. TALON: All contact with Golremco has been lost. GALBRADE: In that case... PARTY! ("One Step Beyond", by Madness, starts playing, and the captives take flashy poses.) (Cut to: Golrem's office. A large tank rolls up. The hatch opens, and Gittlebaum pokes his head out.) GITTLEBAUM: Sir, I suggest you hop in. GOLREM: About time, Gittlebaum! (Golrem shuts down his force field and jumps into the tank head-first. The hatch closes, and it rumbles off. Another group of soldiers runs by.) OFFICER: What's the best poontang? SOLDIERS: Arturian poontang! (The soldiers are suddenly electrocuted, and a figure emerges from the wall, cloaked in darkness. It discards what looks like a giant tazer.) ??? (Dark Figure): Newbies. You want to drive someone mad... *It laughs.* You hit them HARD. *END TRANSMISSION* Okay, now. Here's a little teaser for the next eppy... - The dark figure reveals itself! - Golremco falls under siege! - Talon gets an upgrade! - Galbrade and Rufus find a secret about the SOW! All this on the next episode of: MYSTERY FANFICTION THEATER 3000! Acknowledgements: Thanks to... ... Fritz Fraundorf. His stories got me started writing fanfiction. ... Best Brains, the creators of MST3K, for obvious reasons. ... Megane 6.7 and Shadow, two of the best MST authors out there. ... Shadow (again), for giving me a place to put this thing. ... The writers of the First Amendment. ... Ink Blot Inc. (Shadow's company), for letting me open fire on the "Laws of Lemons". ... Jynx Kitty, fellow author and close personal friend, for giving me a couple of ideas. The path works both ways... ... Christopher Lee Fraley, the creator of the game Rattler Race, my primary refuge from writer's block. ... The bands I listen to when I'm writing these things (it varies from ICP to Paul McCartney and Wings). That's enough acknowledgements for now. If I forgot you, sorry and thanks. Until next time (and there will be a next time!), fare thee well. - True Darem (or Evil Jason, as I'm known on Fanfiction.net) >This isn't just a law, it's a rule.