Chapter 10 "Closure; The Agony of Loneliness" ~ Entry 42: "I miss her" Suboshi I miss Yui-sama. She still isn't speaking to me, and her relationship with Soi is becoming more than mere glances and denial... But I still miss her. I...I keep thinking back to that night when I told her...and she rejected me. It should've been the end of it all...the night I just stopped thinking about her. It wasn't...but then a few nights later I kissed her...so... Maybe it never ended? ...I'm not making sense. I'm speaking in fragments. "Entry 43: Closure" Suboshi I spoke to Yui-sama earlier. She said she felt bad for what she did that night, and that she did care about me. But she will never love me as I love her. It's still hard to accept that. She was my first serious love...and I don't think I'll ever completely get over her. But at least we're on better terms... So that's why it was so hard to let go...the night I thought it was all over...it wasn't. Lack of closure was what was bothering me. I must be pretty dense if it took me so long to figure that one out. *sigh* Amiboshi is out star gazing...I'm going to join him... Entry 44: "Show me the meaning of melancholy" Amiboshi Suboshi isn't completely obsessed with Yui-san anymore. And I'm selfishly glad, because...I was jealous. Yes, the sweet, even-tempered Amiboshi was jealous because his brother was in love with the miko. What kind of freak gets upset over a thing like that? Normal boys would be glad their brother found someone to love. But I'm not normal. I'm a sad, lonely traitor and an incestuous freak. I love my brother in ways that brothers weren't meant to love. In all the time I was so in love with Miaka, I never once tried to kiss her, or spied on her in the bath. Suboshi did both to Yui-san. What does that say? He's normal, I'm a freak. A sexless freak! Nakago is calling me a traitor to my face now. He mocks me on a daily basis. My thoughts are not coherent... I'm lonely... Forgive me, otouto...I never intended to fall for you this way. Entry 45: "Stop it...you're hurting me." Suboshi Aniki, seeing you in pain and hearing you talk badly about yourself hurts me. Just hearing you call yourself worthless is like a stab in the heart... You've been so melancholy these last few days, aniki. I can't stand it... I'm sorry if I did anything to hurt you. I'm sorry my love for Yui-sama made you jealous...in fact... I'm glad it did. The truth is, I'm flattered you're so possessive of me...*slight blush* I'm here whenever you need me, Amiboshi. I love you. Entry 46: "Screw everything" Amiboshi Probably thought this was gonna be a Suboshi entry, huh? It's not like sweet, wussy Amiboshi to curse and get angry, right? Figures. Of course I'm the weak-willed idiot, like Nakago insists Miaka-san is. Meanwhile, my brother is strong, Yui-san is a strong woman. Coincidence? I'm tired of this. I'm tired of the violence, the blood, the death... being a traitor...the fact that I only know how to fall in love with those I can't have. Wow, who's next? Nuriko, a Suzaku Seishi who's been friggin DEAD for like, 3 weeks? Nakago was right, I'm a useless, weak-willed traitor and I should've never come back here. Suboshi SAYS he's flattered I was so upset over his love for Yui, but he doesn't mean it. He loves me, but only as the useless brother he has to look out for and care about...there's something wrong. I used to be the one looking out for and comforting him. Screw this. I feel like cutting myself right now. The only reason I'm not is because I don't want Suboshi freaking out like he did that time Tomo slashed me. Entry 47: "Hurt" Suboshi Damn it, aniki! I told you, stop hurting me! Just seeing your entry from last night made me break down and cry! I still want to cry, just thinking about it... Aniki...what's wrong? Please...I want to hold you, kiss away your pain, let you know I'm here and I'll never let anyone hurt you again... I love you, aniki.