Chapter 4 "Confessions and Rejections" ~ Entry 14: "Rejected" Suboshi It's over. I just had my heart broken-no, torn from my chest and smashed into dust. I can't even cry. I can't even wish myself dead. I just know that the woman I love...not only will never love me, but hates my guts. It all started earlier when I heard her crying softly for her unrequited love. As usual, I wanted to comfort her and hurt this person who was making her miserable. But I just listened. I ran into her later with the intention of telling her my feelings once and for all. It started out decently enough. I told her I was sorry she was hurting so much, and that I hated to see her in pain. Then... Like an idiot, I told her this person she was in love with was unworthy of her, and anyone who made her cry didn't deserve her. She got upset and told me she didn't care, she still loves them. And things went downhill from there. I told her that every time I saw her in tears over this person, I wanted to take away those tears, to hold her in my arms...that I loved her, and have ever since that night Amiboshi was assumed...d-dead... I told her everything. She just stared. After a long silence, she said, "...You're kidding." She got so upset...said I had no right to tell her who deserved her, that I didn't know her...I tried to reason with her but she was too angry. Then...just when I couldn't feel worse... She told me the words that I will never, ever forget, the words that will tear at my shattered soul for the rest of my life... "You don't mean anything to me, Suboshi. Just leave me alone!" "But Yui-sama-" "Leave!" Then she slapped me across the face. Blood dripped from my cheek, but I didn't care... Now here I am, unable to cry, unable to feel anything but a raw emptiness where my heart was...the shards of what it once was are digging into me, searing my flesh... Yui-sama... Aniki...I need you more than ever now...I feel so foolish. I nearly abandoned the brother I love more than life itself...and for what? She doesn't love me...she never will... Aniki...gomen nasai. Please forgive me... *closes his eyes as the tears begin to spill over* Don't cry for me...I'm only the boy who nobody wanted... P.S.: I finally know who Yui's unrequited love is. Soi. Entry 15: "Your pain...is my pain" Amiboshi Otouto...I'm so sorry you were rejected. I hate that you're in pain, seeing you so sad and alone... I feel like...this is my fault. If I had never even been to Konan, or gotten to know the Suzaku Seishi and Miaka...if I had just stayed here with you... I'm so sorry. *wipes away stubborn tears* I'm here, whenever you want to talk, whenever you need me. I'm here. I love you, otouto. Entry 16: "Tears" Suboshi Last night, I didn't even know I was crying...tonight, I can't stop. It hurts to even look at her anymore. Knowing she doesn't love me, never did love me, will never even like me anymore. Why was I such a moron? Why did I tell her all that anyway? Thinking I could get her to love me with all that garbage... I never deserved to love her. I'm a psychotic yo-yo flinging bastard, and she surpasses all meanings of the word beautiful. I'm unworthy of her presence. And everyone knows it. I'm nothing but a psychotic, cold-blooded, immature, selfish, incestuous...freak! Yes. I said "incestuous". Yui-sama isn't the only one I cried over. Aniki...you've been the only one who's loved me and never given up on me...you've never raised an angry hand at me before. You're so gentle, so understanding, so...wonderful. Damn it, why did we have to be related by blood? ...Or does that add to why I love you so much, aniki? *slams his fist into the wall and crumples to the ground in tears again* Damn it! Entry 17: "Confessions..." Amiboshi I don't know why I did it, what possessed me to go through with it, especially after Suboshi was so cruelly rejected... I told Miaka my feelings for her. Of course, she was very kind when she rejected me. She told me as nice as I was, she only loved Tamahome. I know that. But I still love her, and would still give my life for her. She told me I was a nice person and she'd misjudged me. And that the right one for me was out there somewhere...it made me feel better for a short while. She tried, really, she did...but you can never let someone down easily. It still hurts. I asked if this was going to change things between us, if we could still meet each other. She said even though she felt pretty bad knowing I was in love with her, we could still be friends. It won't be the same, though. Now that she's told me in her own words she doesn't love me back, and now that she's going to feel bad about it... *sighs* Suboshi is going to resent me when he reads this. After he was bitterly spurned by Yui-sama... Otouto, I'm sorry it couldn't turn out like this for us both... Just know I'm always here... I love you, otouto. Entry 18: "Rage" Suboshi *collapses onto the bed, blood dripping from his cheek, mixing with tears* She told me I mean nothing to her. She made it clear she doesn't love me, even hates me. She told me to leave her alone. And she hasn't spoken to me since that night. So what do I do? I kiss her. I run into her, she's been crying over Soi. I run to comfort her, and of course, she turns me away. Next thing I know, my lips press tightly against hers. She's outraged, of course. She throws me off her, slaps me so hard I stumble backwards and fall against some rocks. My cheek is scraped, but I don't notice the blood, or the tears dripping down my face... The salt dripping into the wound... I'm an idiot. I'm a f*cking bastard. I'm heartless. I dragged someone I love into a war. I forced myself on a girl I loved. I killed an old man and several children in cold blood. I tried to rape Suzaku no Miko. I killed one of my fellow Seishi. What does this make me? A cold-blooded, heartless bastard. They say sooner or later everyone suffers the repercussions for what they did. Guess this is what it's like. I don't deserve to love anyone...Yui-sama... Aniki... *looks at a framed picture of himself and Amiboshi with their arms around each other* Itoshii aniki...