Chapter 5 "Hurt" ~ Entry 19: "Self hatred" Amiboshi I can't stand the sight of myself in the mirror. I'm a pathetic, spineless, emotional, useless, incestuous freak. Suboshi loves Yui-sama. He always will. He'll never get over her. His love for her has destroyed him, and if he finds out his own brother, his own flesh and blood, feels romantically for him...he'll never speak to me again. If he doesn't beat me to death. Now more than ever it's like nothing's the same between us anymore. He needs me, he says...but I'm afraid...if I get close to him...he'll...feel it...through our link. I'm so afraid of losing him. Why did I have to fall for the most forbidden one of all? My own twin brother... I should just confess to one of those religious circles and let them 'cure me of this disease', as they would call it. I should just go off and find a nice girl to have a nice, normal, straight, non-blood relationship with. Then it'll be like everything should be. Normal. ...Damn it, listen to yourself, Amiboshi! You realize how terrible you sound?! You're so much more open-minded than this! *sighs, eyes stinging with tears* Why must life be against me at every turn? As Amiboshi, I'm useless and nothing ever goes right for me. I was better off as Kaika, with the elderly couple...a nice, quiet life. Why did I leave? Because...I couldn't just keep pretending, living under false pretenses... but living a lie was better than living this reality...a reality of shattered dreams, unrequited love, forbidden, wrong feelings...war... death... *buries his face in his arms, sobbing bitterly* Entry 20: "Secrets" Amiboshi I found Suboshi crying earlier. He wouldn't tell me what was wrong, even after he collapsed into my arms. As I was holding him, I felt something... strange about his aura...our link... I've known for a while there's something he isn't telling me, but what? What is this feeling he's trying to keep secret...it's like...it isn't even about Yui-sama anymore. I'm so confused. I'm sorry, I'm not thinking coherently right now. *sighs* At least...he doesn't suspect anything...about my feelings. Entry 21: "Pathetic loser" Suboshi Well, I am officially the Seiryuu Seven Pariah. Why? According to The Bastard, I "not only forced myself on our miko, my weapons are useless, I'm stupid, I'm ordinary, and I have yet to kill a single Suzaku Seishi". This morning, all of them save for the Emperor set out for Hokkan, and Nakago chose to send one of us to attack them. He sent... ASHITARE. Wolf-man. So, he mocks this guy all the time, yet I'm even more worthless a warrior than he is. He actually said that out loud, at the 6am discussion. So, now everyone's decided I'm inept, stupid, ugly, worthless, a rapist, and a weak idiot who couldn't kill if his life depended on it, "not with THOSE weapons". I no longer exist for anything but slapping, ridicule, torment, and blame for when anything goes wrong. All day long. "You're such a moron, Suboshi! You think those pathetic yo-yos are gonna do anything?!" "Your brother may be a weakling, but at least he's intelligent." "What would YOU know about LOVE, you, the bastard who forced himself on our miko?" "You had no right whatsoever to love her. She's beautiful, perfect in every way, and all you are is an ordinary, psychotic freak." "If you ever fall in love with anyone again we'll be sure you're miserable. You're too worthless to deserve love." "You shouldn't have an ounce of will to live anymore." "How does that brother of yours stand you anyway?" "Yui-sama was wrong to ever give a damn about you." "We should've killed your brother ourselves, the traitor he is." *squeezes his eyes shut, forcing himself not to cry as he slams his fist repeatedly into the wall* I don't care about anything else they said, but if they slam my brother one more time, I'll f*cking KILL every single one of them! Last night, I heard the BASTARD calling him "traitor", "false Seishi", "weakling"... I've suspected he's been the real pariah of theirs for a while now...but only last night did I get the nerve to find out for sure. I was right. I don't care if they call me weak, useless, psychotic, stupid, a rapist, or anything else. But it's just sinking in that all this time they've been saying similar, worse things about my brother... It hurts. One hundred times more than Yui-sama slapping me, or everyone telling me I'm worthless. I wonder if he knows everyone is mocking him this way. If he knows...he sure doesn't seem like he does. Aniki...I wish it were just me being mocked. If you read this...and you didn't know what they say about you behind your back... I'm sorry. Forgive me. I love you, aniki. Entry 22: "I know" Amiboshi I never hear them or see them mocking me, but I know they are. In their eyes, I am a traitor. A weakling. Nothing. They only avoid saying anything because they think I'm naive enough to believe they can stand me, they tolerate me. I know better. Why wouldn't they think badly of me anyway? That doesn't bother me as much as seeing them harass Suboshi, then seeing him act as if he couldn't care less when it so obviously hurts him. Why does he always insist it's all right for him to be miserable as long as I'm all right? Why does he always have to act so damn tough?! I can't stand to see you torn up like this, otouto. I know you're in pain. Remember our link? I hurt when you hurt. Please...don't torture yourself this way, otouto... I love you.