Chapter 9 "Confusion, Nightmares, and Loneliness" ~ Entry 36: "Home?" Amiboshi Sorry neither of us have written for a few days. I've been ill...should've known a blanket thrown over a few sticks was inadequate shelter. *sigh* Luckily, I was able to keep it secret from Nakago...Suboshi kept me in our shelter and pretended I was still missing... It feels good to be home...to see my brother, hear his comforting voice, to be held in his arms... ...*ahem* I'd best not go off on a lovesick tangent. *sigh* But...home? Kutou was once our home...but is it anymore? The war has turned it into a battle ground, a death trap... Another Suzaku Seishi was lost yesterday. Chiriko. The one I posed as before everything spun out of control like this...it was Miboshi who caused his death...we haven't seen him since. Much like the still-missing Ashitare. Now there's a rumor he's still alive out there... I am a traitor. I should be smiling and glad Kutou is winning right now. But I'm not. I'm...actually praying Ashitare and Miboshi are dead...or that Nuriko is still alive after all, or that Chiriko survived his suicide. *eyes well with tears* I'm so tired of this... Entry 37: "IDIOT!" Suboshi Damn Tomo! Damn that face-painted freak to Hades and beyond! Damn him! I found out yesterday that he'd hurt my aniki... Amiboshi never gets angry or picks fights. But this time he did. Because Tomo was insulting me. Why, aniki?! Why did you get into a fight that resulted in your arm being sliced?! Yeah, you ended up clashing his face, but still...he could've done so much worse, damn it! *sighs* I thought the wound was...a self-inflicted one...aniki, I wish you'd never been hurt at all! Ever... I never want to see you hurt ever again! Aniki... Entry 38: "That takes care of him!" Suboshi At last. If I couldn't destroy the bastard, I could destroy his bitch. I killed him. Seiryuu Seishi Tomo is no more. He crossed me one too many times, he threatened aniki... He couldn't even get near him! I thrust the Ryuuseisui into his chest, killed him on impact. *evil laugh* See what happens when you mess with me one too many times, when you hurt my aniki?! See what happens?! ... Wow...I...I don't know what's come over me tonight...I feel like...rage is all I know... ...*shudders* I-I can't believe I'm saying this, but...I'm scared... Entry 39: "...I can't believe him..." Amiboshi My brother...killed one of our own right before my eyes... I'm not saying I'm sad Tomo is gone, I never liked him very much...it's just... He...risked his own life by killing one of our own, killing him in defense of me, a traitor! Otouto...I'm not saying I don't appreciate it...but what if you hadn't been prepared with your Ryuuseisui?! What if Tomo was in the midst of attacking me?! You could've been killed! I can't stand the thought of losing you, otouto... *eyes fill with tears* I love you. Always remember that. Entry 40: "Nightmares" Amiboshi *manages to stop crying long enough to write this* I had the worst dream ever last night...I dreamed 3 Suzaku Seishi confronted my brother...the ones names Hotohori and Tasuki kept ranting about Nuriko, while the one named Tamahome was standing in front of the miko and glaring at him...I don't remember very much, it was all a blur... Until... Tamahome...a-attacked Suboshi... And killed him. *breaks down in tears once again* I remember watching him fall to the ground, blood dripping from his chest where the sword had impaled him... the way he looked at them as he died... How he whispered..."itoshii aniki..."...just before he died... Itoshii aniki... ...Me... Not "Yui-sama"... I woke up drenched in tears and sweat, never before was I so relieved to see the sleeping form of my otouto beside me...luckily, he didn't object to my holding him the rest of the night. Another thing I remember from the dream is what Hotohori said. He said "Now the one you love will know the pain I felt when Nuriko died!"... ...The one he loved... Does he know...?! *turns white* A-A Suzaku Seishi...could that be... would...he tell the others...? He can't! He just can't, no Suzaku or Seiryuu Seishi or anyone else must know!! *sobs* Otouto... Entry 41: "Confused sadness" Suboshi Last night, before I found my aniki sobbing into his hands, I was walking through the halls thinking about my love for him and my love for Yui-sama. It's been weeks ever since she rejected me so coldly, and she still won't even look in my direction. I know this means I should just let her go, get over it, forget about her...but I just can't. Especially after what I saw last night. I walked by Yui-sama's room...and she wasn't alone. Soi was with her. Why? Soi's been an absolute bitch to her, no matter how hard Yui-sama cried over her, she continued to hate her and ignore her! Until now. For the last few days, she's been so kind to Yui-sama...and last night... I...I saw them kiss. It wasn't long and romantic and passionate like Suzaku no Miko and her love, but it was still a kiss. I was so numb I couldn't even run off sobbing. When it did hit me that there was something between them... I couldn't stop crying. I still love her. But I love my aniki as well! And thinking of Yui-sama makes me feel like I'm betraying him! Especially after how torn up he was last night over his dream...he couldn't stop crying. Aniki...I-I'm so sorry. Entry 41: "Lonely" Amiboshi It's late at night...Suboshi is right here with me, but his mind is elsewhere as he looks out at the stars... We found out that Miboshi and Ashitare are indeed dead now. But that doesn't matter...shockingly, Yui-san doesn't need all 7 Seishi to summon Seiryuu! Nakago stole the Byakko and Genbu Shinhazo to aid Yui-san... Suboshi was angry when he found out what Nakago had done, he said it was selfish and he only did it so he could win the war and get what HE wanted from Seiryuu. He's right. I don't care about summoning Seiryuu anymore. I just want the war to end, damn it, I want to live with my beloved brother in peace... ...I love him. And he'll never know the depths of my love for him... *looks sadly across the room at his twin and blinks away tears* Otouto... I just...want this to end...